Well, we are two weeks into lockdown, and our whole lives have been turned upside down. There’s no obvious end in sight, the news is desperately sad to listen to, and some of us will have had the experience of knowing someone with COVID-19 or may have even lost someone to the virus. A devastating and worrying time for all.
An admission of an omission
However, I missed a key part of advice in the resource. One of the main points of Parenting Through Stories is to ensure we pay close attention to children’s experiences. I sort of forgot about that. Yes, I highlighted the importance of helping children create a narrative about what is happening and being curious about what they may be feeling, but I didn’t actively suggest asking them how they were finding the lockdown and their thoughts about COVID-19. I wrote a very parent-led piece of advice and would like to add to this here by including the child’s voice. I had, inadvertently, moved away from the “we” to the “me” and “you”. Particularly at times like these we need to focus upon “we”.
I’m rectifying this mistake within the ethos of Parenting Through Stories by drawing upon the PACE model.
I’m not berating myself for missing something so important, but accepting
that it’s been an unusual couple of weeks in which I have been trying to work out how to juggle work and home schooling alongside a deep sense of sadness about the predicament we find ourselves in. I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders!
Instead of being annoyed at myself (I of all people should surely have checked in with how my children are feeling) I’m curious
about why this is. For me it's curiosity that’s the first thing to go when I’m feeling stressed, something which is likely to relate to my own experiences of being parented. I’m trying to put this back in now!
I’m letting myself sit with my own feelings
about what is happening, not dismissing them or minimising them, just allowing them. I think this is helping me get through this time. I know I can’t be as on top of my life as I normally would be.
The beauty of taking an attachment focused approach is that you can (and will) make mistakes, and that, if you can be “PACEy” on yourselves you can notice these, learn from them, and repair some of those experiences of disconnection you will have had with your children.
How is it for children?
As well as canvassing some friends on how their children (aged 2-15) are managing, I have now properly asked my boys how they are feeling about COVID-19 and the changes in their lives that it has led to. Obviously, this is a very small sample of relatively privileged children - our situations will be massively different from others’ - but meaningful nonetheless.
What we have all noticed is how accepting our children are of the restrictions imposed on them, yes, there have been complaints:
“No friends….no fun”.
”It makes me feel annoyed as it’s stopping me from playing with my friends”.
“I’m really lonely” to which her mum said, “but I’m here”, the response was “but you’re always working”.
"It makes me feel sad…the Coronavirus is big”.
But all the older children have accepted the changes without making a fuss. They realise that we need to stay in and that it’s for a greater good, despite being a bit more glum. They have been able to notice some positives:
“Not having to do much work…being off school has been good”
“There have been some good things like cycling to the beach”
"Reconnecting with old friends"
It seems as though the older children are able to say what they feel, and are enjoying some of the changes, particularly the slower pace of life (note to self, when things get back to some sort of normality don’t over commit to every after school activity).
However, the little ones in the group seemed to struggle more. My two year old has been much more clingy than normal (which surprised me as I am around much more) and is clearly struggling with the change to his normal routine. My friend’s three year old was described as “playing up and pushing the boundaries more” and as “behaving a bit weirdly”. She has become obsessed with TV which had turned into a “real battle”. She was also asking for play dates and becoming upset when she couldn’t have them. As toddlerhood is a time of independence, wanting control and needing to explore, these changes must be really hard for them.
As well as being more clingy (I literally can’t leave his side) my two year old is trying to magic the Coronavirus away – he told me that he became a dinosaur and scared it away. He also told me that he had put it all in the bin. It is obviously a very hard concept for small children to get their heads around – something invisible that makes you poorly must be very scary, and it’s not surprising that they bring out their imaginary superpowers to fend it off.
So, remember to ask what your children are actually thinking and feeling, instead of just telling them what you think is going on for them. I’m certainly going to do more of this.
Explore together…
My advice earlier this week suggested three main areas to focus on to help you and your child cope with the current situation:
1. Self-Care – look after yourselves
2. Your relationship with your child (attachment relationship) – stay connected and provide safety, nurture and containment
3. Help your child develop a coherent story – make things less confusing and more predictable
I would add a fourth:
4. Actively explore what your child is thinking and feeling – ask directly about how they understand what is going on, what they are feeling about the changes, if they have any worries. This will help no end with helping them develop a coherent story which really makes sense to them.
Our
crowdfunding campaign
is going well and we really appreciate all the support you have given us, especially at this tricky time. There is still time to pledge to pre-order our children's book, "Please Stay Here - I Want You Near", to support little ones through separation anxiety - a resource that we believe will be very helpful come September when children start school and pre-school. You can also pledge for our Parenting Handbook which we are making available straight away because it has lots of advice which is applicable to support parents through lockdown.
Apologies that this is later than our normal blogs – the days seem to be merging together and all sense of time has gone out of the window! Keep following our social media for more advice about how to support your families and see updates about our crowdfunding campaign.
Stay safe and healthy.
Sarah