Smooth settling in - a guide for professionals - how to support little ones with separation anxiety

Sarah Mundy • 24 February 2021
If you work in an early years setting, you’ll be quite familiar with the scene. You’re welcoming the children and getting them settled at the start of the day, checking in with them and showing them what activities you have planned. Suddenly, you hear shouting and crying as a stressed-looking mum tries to detach her small child from her leg. You feel for her, you really do; this child regularly clings to her on arrival - the anxiety is palpable.

It’s distressing for everyone involved. For Mum, for the child, for the other children who are already in the room, and not least for you. You know from experience that they will settle down and be OK, but that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. And you know, too, that poor Mum has headed off to work feeling guilty and upset, so it’s unsurprising when she phones 15 minutes later seeking reassurance from you.

These experience are likely to be more pronounced at the moment, with children having fewer, if any, opportunities to practice separating from their parents, with collective anxiety at a huge level and with normal settling in sessions, with parents in the room, being unavailable.

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a normal part of growing up, commonly starting around the age of 6 months and often still present at 3 years. It usually shows that a child feels safe with their parents and would prefer to be with them. This is normally the sign that a healthy relationship has formed but can feel very difficult to manage, particularly when you are the one responsible for prising the child off their parent - which may make you feel like you are contributing to their stress.

 

As a toddler’s brain develops, they start to learn that they are dependent on their parent or caregiver. They rely on them to act as a safety net while they begin to develop independence and explore the world. But unfortunately, children take a while to learn that each time their parent goes away, they will come back. Until this is understood, or they have learned that they can trust you to take up the ‘safety’ mantle, they will unsurprisingly feel unsettled.

 

While this may be a regular stage of development, it can still make things a little tricky when it comes time to attend nursery, pre-school and the like. So how can you, as an early years practitioner, make the transition easier for all involved?

 


How can we manage separation anxiety in a childcare setting?

Working with children in their early years, you have an important role to play in helping to manage the distress felt by both the child and the parent facing this situation. And a great place to start is simply by reassuring them that separation anxiety is entirely normal, and by helping the child to understand what they’re feeling.

 

Remember you are the professional, you have the qualifications and the experience, and you know your stuff. Parents will value your judgement about how best to deal with this. Particularly if it’s not something they’ve come up against before.

 

First, it’s important to be aware of the factors that can increase separation anxiety, so you can begin to understand and even preempt when a child may begin to feel upset. Gently ask questions of parents about any changes that might be going on at home. 

 

Also take note of variations in your own childcare setting. Have things been moved around? Are there new staff or visitors in the room? Anything that feels unfamiliar may cause an anxious child to feel less safe and reach out for reassurance.

 

Changes of routine, too, can impact a child’s emotions and increase their need for parental support. This could be something as simple as transitioning back to childcare after a holiday, a period where bedtimes have not been consistent, or even the arrival of a sibling. 

 

It’s not just about the child…


Of course, when we train to work with young children, we may not realise that it can be just as - if not more - important to work with and support the parents too. They also need helping to manage their anxieties (alongside those of the child). It’s an important part of helping each child to settle in and thrive. In fact, it is often the relationship you build with the parent that goes a long way to helping a child to settle well. If they observe you getting along and ‘connecting’, a little one is much more likely to begin to trust you (as their ‘safe base’) to help them manage their feelings too. 

 

It’s hard to manage separation anxiety being shown by one child when you have other children to focus on. Don’t be afraid to talk about what’s going on and explain why one of the children is feeling a bit sad. It’s fine to say to everyone that Johnny is finding it hard to leave his Mum, but that you are going to help him learn that he will be OK without her. This will not only help the child to feel validated and begin voicing their feelings, but will help others understand and build empathy in the wider group. My 3 year old certainly takes great pleasure in helping other children come into pre-school when they are struggling. He shows them things they can play with together and tells them they will be OK. Sometimes your little army of children can be a great support. 

 

Try to stay close to the distressed child but check in with the others. Don’t expect that the child will be able to calm down alone - they need you to help soothe them (known as co-regulation - you can find out more about this in a previous blog. 

 

And remember, in any difficult situation your first step should always be to manage your own emotions. Only then can you support both the child and the parent in the best way.

 


Practical tips for supporting families who are struggling with separation anxiety

If you are working with a child who finds it particularly difficult to separate from their primary caregiver, there are lots of things you can do to help ease the drop-off experience. Try some of these for starters:


  • Make it clear that what is happening is normal. Validate the feelings of the child and encourage the parent to keep repeating the fact that they will come back. Once the parent has gone, continue to reiterate this to the child and then use the same words again when the parent reappears later. This will help to reinforce the idea that while Mum or Dad may be gone, they will come back as they always have before.


  • Encourage parents to talk to children about what to expect. If a child can picture the place they’re going to, if they know what their routine will look like and the rules they’ll be expected to follow, things will seem a lot less scary. 
  • Recommend that parents introduce a transitional object. Something that reminds the child of them. Perhaps mum and daughter could wear matching hair clips, or a little heart could be drawn on the parent and child’s hand. 
  • Offer a call-in service to help you build trust with parents. Suggest they ring half an hour after they’ve left. And in the meantime, reassure them that you will call if there is a problem. This will help to contain anxieties by giving parents a timeline and putting their mind at rest. 
  • Take the lead. When it comes to separation anxiety, prolonging goodbyes benefits no one. So take the lead and be firm but fair. Try confidently stating, “Mummy is going to go to work, you are going to come with me now. I know it is hard and you are going to miss mummy. Mummy will miss you too, but she will be back later.” This will help Mum to feel you have things under control and importantly offers empathy to the child.
  • Recommend talking about bodily feelings. Suggest that the parent introduce physical ways to help their child feel calmer. Walking or skipping to school instead of driving, for example, or taking 5 minutes in the morning to do some stretches together. Even a few breathing exercises or a sing-along to a favourite song in the car might help reset the emotional thermostat.
  • Support children to increase their independence gradually. Encourage parents to introduce little pockets of time where they are out of sight, to help little ones learn that they will always come back. Depending on COVID-19 restrictions, this could be at Grandma’s or on a playdate or even as part of nursery or childminder settling in sessions.

 

  • Suggest parents use stories to talk to their children about their feelings. Sitting down to share a beautiful picture book can be a great way to explore emotions and the language around them. My Bartley Bear book, Please Stay Here – I Want You Near, is designed to help parents and children understand separation anxiety, the feelings they are experiencing and to facilitate a conversation around the topic. And it works perfectly for circle time in a nursery / early years setting too.


  • Remember, emotions are contagious. While separation anxiety can be hard to watch and manage, if you can stay calm, you have a far greater chance of helping the children in your care - and their parents - stay calm too. 



For further reading have a look at my parenting handbook. This draws on my experience as a child psychologist, with loads of straightforward information about dealing with a range of tricky topics, as well as top tips for managing separation anxiety in particular.

You, as a childcare expert, may find this useful for building your knowledge of attachment theory and emotional and behavioural development in the early years and give you practical tips to manage everyday challenges. It’s short and sweet meaning both you, and parents, should be able to get through it without it adding to that pile of reading you mean to do!

 

I remember my little one having lots of separation anxiety when he first started pre-school. The way I coped was by trusting the pre-school to handle it sensitively. He now thrives there (I think he thinks he is one of the teachers!) So thank you to all of you for helping children understand and cope with their feelings and for supporting parents to do the same.

 

For the perfect way to support and facilitate a conversation about separation anxiety with a child and their parents, you’ll find the first in the series of Bartley’s Books, Please Stay Here – I Want You Near available on Amazon or in our shop. You can also download a free guide to helping school starters manage the transition to big school here.

What is happening inside a young child's head? What every early years teacher should know.

by Sarah Mundy • 15 May 2021
Little children can be so confusing (and confused!). Sometimes it’s hard to know what they need from you - a three-year-old demands that she wants her cheese in a big piece one day and then cries because it’s not cut up the next. She wants you to hold her hand to go to the toilet in the morning, but later gets cross when you try to do the same. We’ve all been there, faced with the - sometimes baffling - behaviours of the small humans that surround us, wondering how to respond to their inconsistent requests. Perhaps it’s reassuring to realise that these seemingly random behaviours are actually quite natural - stages through which each child progresses. In a bid to help you support your growing pre-schoolers more effectively, this blog talks about some of the things (there are many!) happening inside their heads and how you can support them with what’s going on. What’s Happening Inside a Three-Year-Old’s Brain?

The Importance of Storytelling

by Sarah Mundy • 1 May 2021
What was your favourite story when you were growing up? Was it a traditional fairy tale like Cinderella? Was it a popular picture book like The Very Hungry Caterpillar or The Gruffalo? Or was it a great adventure story like CS Lewis’ Narnia series or JK Rowling’s Harry Potter? Mine was Dogger by Shirley Hughes. Funny that the first book I wrote was about separation anxiety! For many of us, sharing and reading books was an important part of childhood, even more so before the advent of distracting screens and 24/7 streaming. I have fond memories of curling up in bed, half asleep, as my mum or dad read to me complete with silly voices and giggles aplenty. It's not just books though - you can make your own stories up too. I tell my little one a story about “Grizzly Bear with the Curly Hair” every night. It’s evolved to be a lovely family tradition, with my older children sometimes coming to join in. This is a wonderful way to stimulate both mine and my children’s imagination and what I most love about it is how the narrative is co-constructed – I am no longer allowed to be the sole story-teller, my son has to be part of it too! A 2018 research study found that nowadays only 30% of parents read to their children daily and I can’t help feeling that’s a bit sad. Especially given the many benefits of sharing story time go far beyond pure entertainment.

Guilt and shame (why they aren't the same)

by Sarah Mundy • 11 April 2021
I thought I’d do a post on guilt and shame, feelings which are often used interchangeably but, from my understanding are pretty different. A quick whizz through some child development When we are little, particularly when we start testing the boundaries during toddlerhood, parents need to intervene to keep children safe. For those of you with little ones the word “NO” probably comes out more than you would like it to! This is a normal part of development – children exploring without an understanding of risks, and needing adult involvement to know when to stop. When a child is asked to stop doing something, which was most probably led by curiosity (can I touch that hot thing in the fire place?!), they are likely to experience shame. It’s not a nice feeling but is quickly regulated when a parent explains their motive and repairs the rupture in the relationship. “I’m sorry that I raised my voice, I know you were just exploring but it’s dangerous to touch fires” and so on. This gives the message that the parent is still there for the child and that they are accepted for who they are. The parent is showing them that their behaviour not OK, but that they are. This sort of parenting, when reasonably consistent, leads to a child feeling guilt rather than shame. “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that, how can I make amends?” (obviously not so clearly thought out for little ones but you get the gist). .

Are Early Years staff attachment figures for preschool children?

by Sarah Mundy • 24 March 2021
As a newborn, we look to our parents for everything. To feed us, to comfort us and to protect us. If they give us this safety and security, a healthy emotional bond develops. Research shows that this attachment relationship is a crucial building block of a child’s development, helping them to grow socially, emotionally, behaviourally and intellectually. But what happens when children begin to spend time with other caregivers, outside of the home and away from their parents? Do they develop similar relationships with the nursery staff, childminders or pre-school teachers that look after them? And what does this mean for you if you’re working in Early Years?

Attachment explained – what it is, why is it important and how you help your child to become more secure

by Sarah Mundy • 10 February 2021
Where do I start? Attachment is a HUGE topic, with decades of research highlighting how important it is to a child’s development. But do you know what an attachment relationship actually is? And why it’s so important? Do you know what helps children develop more secure attachment relationships? With different approaches and a number of terms banded around it can feel so confusing. This blog addresses these questions and focuses upon ways that parents and educational settings can put attachment theory into practice. It is based upon my experience as a Clinical Psychologist. For over 15 years I have been drawing upon attachment theory to inform my work with parents and children. I’ve tried to ensure that my suggestions are user-friendly. As a mum of three I have learnt that theory does not always feel that easy to translate into practice. We can feel pressured to get it right all of the time (apologies to the clients I worked with before having my own children!). The beauty of attachment theory is that we don’t have to be perfect. Just good enough. As with anything scientific there can be a lot of jargon – I have put the key words in italics and tried to write with minimal psychobabble. I do hope you enjoy it! What is attachment (in a nutshell)?

The Build up to Christmas: 5 Ways to Help You and Your Child Enjoy the Festive Season

by Sarah Mundy • 20 December 2020
In case you hadn’t noticed, Christmas is coming, and fast! It’s different this year, without nativity plays, big get togethers and light turn-ons. But it’s still happening, as both we, and our children well know! My three-year-old is already telling me that it is “Christmas tomorrow” on a daily basis (to be fair he also thinks it’s still Halloween so he’s not particularly accurate in his understanding of seasonal activities!). He is, however, starting to get excited. He’s remembering the elves escapades from last year, asking when they are coming back (I still haven’t found them in my cluttered house!). Why I added the nightly task of creating funny Elf scenes throughout December to the already huge list of Christmas jobs is beyond me, but at least he likes it! I was also quite proud of last year’s zip wire adventure.

Parenting: Why Being "Good Enough" is Good Enough

by Sarah Mundy • 3 December 2020
I know the gold standard for writing blogs is to deliver them on a fortnightly basis. I’ve been a bit remiss as this is my first one in months! What a better topic to start with then than why it is OK not to get things right all the time. Perfection is unobtainable, but it does seem to be something that we are pushed to do. The number of posts out there on mum guilt is astonishing. Over the last year we have been expected to juggle life in a way that does not seem possible. Many of us have been coping with (or trying to) being teachers, parents and professionals, three full time jobs all at the same time! This has left me wondering whether it’s actually possible to do anything well enough! And then along comes Christmas (gulp!). I’m hoping that reading this will leave you feeling happier with how you are doing as a parent, that you will realise that buying into the pressure to get it “right” is not helpful, and that you will learn that the attachment research highlights how we don’t need to be perfect to raise happy and healthy children. Children don’t need us all of the time. They need is a parent who knows they are good enough for them, accepts their foibles, makes and owns mistakes, and can manage their own emotional world. Forget Perfection - Strive for Good Enough Parents can feel a great deal of guilt around their work/life balance. Guilt can actually be a helpful emotion, allowing you to reflect on what is, and isn’t working. However, when you have little control over the things you want to change, it can feel overwhelming. The first thing you need to remember is that you are doing your best, and that is good enough. Interestingly, an article in the Economist reported that we spend twice as much time with our children as parents did 50 years ago (The Economist, November 27th 2017), suggesting that we are already much more active in our parenting than we used to be. “Good enough” is key to parenting. Research into attachment, which is important to children’s development, highlights how we should strive to be good enough, not perfect. A recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order to develop secure attachment relationships (Woodhouse et al., 2019). So, if you’re getting it right about half the time, you’re onto something! Quality of Time is Far More Important than Quantity

Teaching in The Times of Covid: How You Can Help Children Manage Their Anxiety

by Sarah Mundy • 29 November 2020
Well what a year it has been. Not one that any of us could have imagined or would have hoped for. All over the world we are having to adapt to the threat of Covid-19 and uncertainty about the future. Children have had prolonged periods away from education and, although some of them are back, this can be on and off as and when Covid-19 dictates. Helping children cope with these changes is key for the education sector if we are to support them to re-engage in learning. As a Clinical Psychologist I have been working with schools as well as children and families over this difficult period. I wrote this blog to summarise some of the ways educational professionals can support children through the increased anxiety they are likely to be feeling. Anxiety and Covid-19 A global pandemic is not good for anyone’s emotional wellbeing and is having an impact upon us all. Whilst we are all in very different situations, it is far from what any of us are used to and children will be noticing these changes. They are likely to be seeing more worried adults, hearing more stressful news and having little, if any, time with friends. Children have had to contend with new rules, a change in routine, a lack of control and a loss of relationships. Like us, they feel safe when things are predictable – something which has been absent for many months now.

Rupture and Repair

by Sarah Mundy • 8 November 2020
We can't always live in harmony with our little ones, sometimes our agendas feel miles apart. For me most of the ruptures come early in the morning, when my little one is pulling my nightie up saying "milk" and I am saying "sleep". My parenting powers aren't at their best at 5:30 and I often become cross (yup, I tell him to stop being annoying and to let me sleep). So, when this happens it really is my responsibility to repair the rupture. The behaviour really is annoying, but it's not helpful for him to hear that he's annoying when all he wants is a drink! In a previous post I talked about the importance of repairing your relationship with your little one after a rupture - here are some of the ways to do it. Establish safety in your relationship . When children feel safe and supported they will still do things that challenge you! However, the more secure they feel with you the less likely they are to feel that you are angry at them, or think they are bad, and instead may be able to learn that you will love them no matter what. This bodes well for those times that you are not on the same page and are needing to put in the boundaries. Remain accountable in your words, feelings and choices. When I am finding my partner frustrating it is not always his fault (but don't tell him that!). It's often when I am tired and busy and he is not getting what I need. We both need to take responsibility for finding a way forward, communicating well, acknowledging our feelings and being clear about what we need. Little ones don't quite have the skills for this yet and it is our job to model them how we manage ruptures. So do try to think about whether you would have responded differently were you not so knackered, consider what their behaviour was communicating (there's always a reason!) and try to be clear in how you discuss what happened. We do need to help little ones learn but it's also very helpful if they can see what part we played. For example, after I have calmed down from being woken at 5:30 I apologise to my little one for being cross. I tell him that sleep is important and that it makes me grumpy if he wakes me up early. I also try to think more broadly about what would have helped - for example, making sure he was well fed and watered before bed and getting myself into a better routine. What is important is that he hears I am not blaming him for being hungry and waking up at the time his body clock is set to wake! Know what to say (or not to say) and when to talk (or not talk) If you are anything like me you might want to have the last word, or show that you are right. Particularly in the moment! Whilst it would be more helpful if I did not feel the need to do this, especially with my pre-schooler, I do know it's a trait of mine. It's important to learn to read what is going on - is it really the time to engage in a battle with them when everyone is exhausted? Think about what purpose it will serve (probably make you feel more distant). It's OK to revisit at a later time. When you are talking to your child about tricky times, try to be curious, talk about unhelpful behaviours, explain how you understood what happened (what feelings were driving their behaviour), talk about your part in the rupture, apologise and say what you could have done differently. What a great model for children to see parents showing they understand, are interested in what's going on and make mistakes themselves. So much more healthy than punishing - remember discipline is about teaching, not making children feel bad or naughty.

Co-regulating with your little one

by Sarah Mundy • 21 June 2020
If I’m being completely honest, I have always struggled to explain what “co-regulation” is. It’s a term banded about frequently, but often without a clear explanation of what it actually means and, most importantly, how we actually do it! Looking up the definition of co-regulation on Wikipedia (a " continuous unfolding of individual action that is susceptible to being continuously modified by the continuously changing actions of the partner" ) didn’t clarify things. So, I thought it might be helpful to write a blog about it, with as little psychobabble as possible. I have focused upon what it is, why it’s so important in early childhood. I have also provided some ideas to help parents support their children through co-regulation. Here goes… What is Emotional Regulation? Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to an experience without feeling overwhelmed by it (and becoming “dysregulated” – where you lose control of your internal world). It’s about managing our levels of arousal, i.e. how calm or excited we are. Although no one has it down to a tee (there will always be times that we will struggle to regulate how we are feeling), as we get older we learn to regulate our emotions ourselves. This is known as “self-regulation”. We do this by becoming aware of our feelings, understanding them and learning to express them in a healthy way. We develop a conscious control of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Managing our emotions ourselves requires higher-level thinking. We need to be able to recognise when something triggers us and find a way to bring down our level of arousal before responding. It requires a level of awareness and ability to reflect. The ability to self-regulate is an important one. The better we are at managing our feelings, the more able we are to manage our behaviours (so important for social relationships). We can focus on what is happening in the moment without becoming overwhelmed, we will feel more balanced emotionally and are less likely to turn to unhealthy coping strategies. What is Co-Regulation?
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