The Build up to Christmas: 5 Ways to Help You and Your Child Enjoy the Festive Season

Sarah Mundy • 20 December 2020
In case you hadn’t noticed, Christmas is coming, and fast! It’s different this year, without nativity plays, big get togethers and light turn-ons. But it’s still happening, as both we, and our children well know!

My three-year-old is already telling me that it is “Christmas tomorrow” on a daily basis (to be fair he also thinks it’s still Halloween so he’s not particularly accurate in his understanding of seasonal activities!). He is, however, starting to get excited.

He’s remembering the elves escapades from last year, asking when they are coming back (I still haven’t found them in my cluttered house!). Why I added the nightly task of creating funny Elf scenes throughout December to the already huge list of Christmas jobs is beyond me, but at least he likes it! I was also quite proud of last year’s zip wire adventure.

It’s great he’s excited, but this can spill over into exhaustion and unhelpful behaviour. Here are some tips for helping your child manage their excitement about Christmas, as well as you getting ready for the big day with less pressure.

I hope it will help your child, and you, to find Christmas more enjoyable and less overwhelming.


1. Be Prepared


I am often amazed how some parents manage to be ready for Christmas months in advance. I fall into a different category, rushing around at the last minute in a rather unhelpful way. Being prepared in advance can save so much stress for you. It may be that you have to let your child have a bit more screen time whilst you write lists and coordinate plans but you will feel so much happier if you feel ready in advance.


2. Manage Your Own Stress (and Expectations)


Some parents thrive off Christmas, others just about survive. Try to remember that it is impossible to be perfect (have a look at my most recent blog on why being good enough is good enough – https://bit.ly/2IHutU4). Children pick up on stress and Christmas certainly can add to ours. Try to remember to look after yourself and schedule time for self-care, including enough sleep (this can be the first thing to go out of the window).


Think about what your children would prefer – everything perfect with a stressed parent or a calm and relaxing time with the family (with a few things forgotten!). Do have a think – have you ever not been ready in the past? If you have missed something, has it really been that bad? Christmas is going to happen and you are going to do your best – stressing about what else you could have done is not going to help you along the way…and there’s always next year, and the next!


3. Stick to Routines


We know that children feel much happier when things are predictable and containing. Structure is so important for them. However, it may feel that routines go out of the window in our preparing for Christmas. Try to ensure that you stick, as best as you can, to bedtimes and family meals and make sure you get outside as part of your daily routine. Sweets can become a daily part of the build up to Christmas but remember that sugar is not always our children’s (or our) friend. Try to limit sweet treats at home over the Christmas period if you can.


4. Meet Their Excitement with Calm


When excitement builds children can struggle to manage their feelings and behaviours. This may be particularly true this year when children have had much less interaction and stimulation than normal – Christmas may be the first truly exciting prospect for them (and you) in what has been a particularly hard time.


Whilst it’s lovely seeing a little one full of seasonal joy, there are times that it gets too much, affects their sleep and makes parenting that bit more difficult. I’m not suggesting you suppress their fun, just try to integrate calm times along the way. This might include you scheduling in down time or staggering the more exciting activities over the month. 


A dad that I work with gave the lovely analogy of a coke bottle which will fizz everywhere when shaken up, describing to his daughter that they have a little glass of coke every now and then, and that’s much more enjoyable than an explosion (referring back to my restricting sugar comment you could also choose fizzy water as an analogy!).


As with all things in parenting your modelling is key - children will feel much calmer if you do. Helping children understand and regulate their feelings will be really important – and this is not just relevant to excitement but also sadness around what they may be missing this year. Have a look at my blog (https://bit.ly/3n5ZDU5) for more about co-regulation.


5. Ask Others for Help


You may have less pressure on you with a smaller family Christmas this year, or more things to do with fewer helpers. This doesn’t mean that you have to do it all alone. Even if it’s virtual your support network is still out there. Do ask for help when you need it – Christmas is a time of giving and I’m sure people will be more than happy to be there for you, you just need to let them know you need it. For example, I have asked my mum to come and take away bags for the charity shop and help declutter the house, something which massively eases the pressure for me and allows me to focus on getting ready for Christmas. 



Even young children can be involved in helping with food preparation and older siblings can be a great distraction for little ones when you have things to do. Children generally like to be involved so get them on board as soon as you can.

 

It’s going to be a different Christmas this year. There will be lots of the normal traditions missing, and this is going to be sad (I am upset that my son is not going to be in a nativity play before he starts big school next year). Do try to focus on some of the positives this may bring – such as more time as a family, less pressure to make costumes and bake for the school fair. I hope you manage to get there with minimal stress and find the time to connect, relax and enjoy.

Happy Christmas to you all!

 

P.S. If you’re looking for Christmas present ideas then our children’s book, Please Stay Here – I Want You Near, makes a perfect gift for a child starting school or childcare next year. Our Parenting Handbook is a great gift for parents who want to learn more about how they can support their child through common everyday challenges. Both can be bought on Amazon https://amzn.to/3acAofh or on our Facebook Shop.

What is happening inside a young child's head? What every early years teacher should know.

by Sarah Mundy • 15 May 2021
Little children can be so confusing (and confused!). Sometimes it’s hard to know what they need from you - a three-year-old demands that she wants her cheese in a big piece one day and then cries because it’s not cut up the next. She wants you to hold her hand to go to the toilet in the morning, but later gets cross when you try to do the same. We’ve all been there, faced with the - sometimes baffling - behaviours of the small humans that surround us, wondering how to respond to their inconsistent requests. Perhaps it’s reassuring to realise that these seemingly random behaviours are actually quite natural - stages through which each child progresses. In a bid to help you support your growing pre-schoolers more effectively, this blog talks about some of the things (there are many!) happening inside their heads and how you can support them with what’s going on. What’s Happening Inside a Three-Year-Old’s Brain?

The Importance of Storytelling

by Sarah Mundy • 1 May 2021
What was your favourite story when you were growing up? Was it a traditional fairy tale like Cinderella? Was it a popular picture book like The Very Hungry Caterpillar or The Gruffalo? Or was it a great adventure story like CS Lewis’ Narnia series or JK Rowling’s Harry Potter? Mine was Dogger by Shirley Hughes. Funny that the first book I wrote was about separation anxiety! For many of us, sharing and reading books was an important part of childhood, even more so before the advent of distracting screens and 24/7 streaming. I have fond memories of curling up in bed, half asleep, as my mum or dad read to me complete with silly voices and giggles aplenty. It's not just books though - you can make your own stories up too. I tell my little one a story about “Grizzly Bear with the Curly Hair” every night. It’s evolved to be a lovely family tradition, with my older children sometimes coming to join in. This is a wonderful way to stimulate both mine and my children’s imagination and what I most love about it is how the narrative is co-constructed – I am no longer allowed to be the sole story-teller, my son has to be part of it too! A 2018 research study found that nowadays only 30% of parents read to their children daily and I can’t help feeling that’s a bit sad. Especially given the many benefits of sharing story time go far beyond pure entertainment.

Guilt and shame (why they aren't the same)

by Sarah Mundy • 11 April 2021
I thought I’d do a post on guilt and shame, feelings which are often used interchangeably but, from my understanding are pretty different. A quick whizz through some child development When we are little, particularly when we start testing the boundaries during toddlerhood, parents need to intervene to keep children safe. For those of you with little ones the word “NO” probably comes out more than you would like it to! This is a normal part of development – children exploring without an understanding of risks, and needing adult involvement to know when to stop. When a child is asked to stop doing something, which was most probably led by curiosity (can I touch that hot thing in the fire place?!), they are likely to experience shame. It’s not a nice feeling but is quickly regulated when a parent explains their motive and repairs the rupture in the relationship. “I’m sorry that I raised my voice, I know you were just exploring but it’s dangerous to touch fires” and so on. This gives the message that the parent is still there for the child and that they are accepted for who they are. The parent is showing them that their behaviour not OK, but that they are. This sort of parenting, when reasonably consistent, leads to a child feeling guilt rather than shame. “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that, how can I make amends?” (obviously not so clearly thought out for little ones but you get the gist). .

Are Early Years staff attachment figures for preschool children?

by Sarah Mundy • 24 March 2021
As a newborn, we look to our parents for everything. To feed us, to comfort us and to protect us. If they give us this safety and security, a healthy emotional bond develops. Research shows that this attachment relationship is a crucial building block of a child’s development, helping them to grow socially, emotionally, behaviourally and intellectually. But what happens when children begin to spend time with other caregivers, outside of the home and away from their parents? Do they develop similar relationships with the nursery staff, childminders or pre-school teachers that look after them? And what does this mean for you if you’re working in Early Years?

Smooth settling in - a guide for professionals - how to support little ones with separation anxiety

by Sarah Mundy • 24 February 2021
If you work in an early years setting, you’ll be quite familiar with the scene. You’re welcoming the children and getting them settled at the start of the day, checking in with them and showing them what activities you have planned. Suddenly, you hear shouting and crying as a stressed-looking mum tries to detach her small child from her leg. You feel for her, you really do; this child regularly clings to her on arrival - the anxiety is palpable. It’s distressing for everyone involved. For Mum, for the child, for the other children who are already in the room, and not least for you. You know from experience that they will settle down and be OK, but that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. And you know, too, that poor Mum has headed off to work feeling guilty and upset, so it’s unsurprising when she phones 15 minutes later seeking reassurance from you. These experience are likely to be more pronounced at the moment, with children having fewer, if any, opportunities to practice separating from their parents, with collective anxiety at a huge level and with normal settling in sessions, with parents in the room, being unavailable. What is separation anxiety?

Attachment explained – what it is, why is it important and how you help your child to become more secure

by Sarah Mundy • 10 February 2021
Where do I start? Attachment is a HUGE topic, with decades of research highlighting how important it is to a child’s development. But do you know what an attachment relationship actually is? And why it’s so important? Do you know what helps children develop more secure attachment relationships? With different approaches and a number of terms banded around it can feel so confusing. This blog addresses these questions and focuses upon ways that parents and educational settings can put attachment theory into practice. It is based upon my experience as a Clinical Psychologist. For over 15 years I have been drawing upon attachment theory to inform my work with parents and children. I’ve tried to ensure that my suggestions are user-friendly. As a mum of three I have learnt that theory does not always feel that easy to translate into practice. We can feel pressured to get it right all of the time (apologies to the clients I worked with before having my own children!). The beauty of attachment theory is that we don’t have to be perfect. Just good enough. As with anything scientific there can be a lot of jargon – I have put the key words in italics and tried to write with minimal psychobabble. I do hope you enjoy it! What is attachment (in a nutshell)?

Parenting: Why Being "Good Enough" is Good Enough

by Sarah Mundy • 3 December 2020
I know the gold standard for writing blogs is to deliver them on a fortnightly basis. I’ve been a bit remiss as this is my first one in months! What a better topic to start with then than why it is OK not to get things right all the time. Perfection is unobtainable, but it does seem to be something that we are pushed to do. The number of posts out there on mum guilt is astonishing. Over the last year we have been expected to juggle life in a way that does not seem possible. Many of us have been coping with (or trying to) being teachers, parents and professionals, three full time jobs all at the same time! This has left me wondering whether it’s actually possible to do anything well enough! And then along comes Christmas (gulp!). I’m hoping that reading this will leave you feeling happier with how you are doing as a parent, that you will realise that buying into the pressure to get it “right” is not helpful, and that you will learn that the attachment research highlights how we don’t need to be perfect to raise happy and healthy children. Children don’t need us all of the time. They need is a parent who knows they are good enough for them, accepts their foibles, makes and owns mistakes, and can manage their own emotional world. Forget Perfection - Strive for Good Enough Parents can feel a great deal of guilt around their work/life balance. Guilt can actually be a helpful emotion, allowing you to reflect on what is, and isn’t working. However, when you have little control over the things you want to change, it can feel overwhelming. The first thing you need to remember is that you are doing your best, and that is good enough. Interestingly, an article in the Economist reported that we spend twice as much time with our children as parents did 50 years ago (The Economist, November 27th 2017), suggesting that we are already much more active in our parenting than we used to be. “Good enough” is key to parenting. Research into attachment, which is important to children’s development, highlights how we should strive to be good enough, not perfect. A recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order to develop secure attachment relationships (Woodhouse et al., 2019). So, if you’re getting it right about half the time, you’re onto something! Quality of Time is Far More Important than Quantity

Teaching in The Times of Covid: How You Can Help Children Manage Their Anxiety

by Sarah Mundy • 29 November 2020
Well what a year it has been. Not one that any of us could have imagined or would have hoped for. All over the world we are having to adapt to the threat of Covid-19 and uncertainty about the future. Children have had prolonged periods away from education and, although some of them are back, this can be on and off as and when Covid-19 dictates. Helping children cope with these changes is key for the education sector if we are to support them to re-engage in learning. As a Clinical Psychologist I have been working with schools as well as children and families over this difficult period. I wrote this blog to summarise some of the ways educational professionals can support children through the increased anxiety they are likely to be feeling. Anxiety and Covid-19 A global pandemic is not good for anyone’s emotional wellbeing and is having an impact upon us all. Whilst we are all in very different situations, it is far from what any of us are used to and children will be noticing these changes. They are likely to be seeing more worried adults, hearing more stressful news and having little, if any, time with friends. Children have had to contend with new rules, a change in routine, a lack of control and a loss of relationships. Like us, they feel safe when things are predictable – something which has been absent for many months now.

Rupture and Repair

by Sarah Mundy • 8 November 2020
We can't always live in harmony with our little ones, sometimes our agendas feel miles apart. For me most of the ruptures come early in the morning, when my little one is pulling my nightie up saying "milk" and I am saying "sleep". My parenting powers aren't at their best at 5:30 and I often become cross (yup, I tell him to stop being annoying and to let me sleep). So, when this happens it really is my responsibility to repair the rupture. The behaviour really is annoying, but it's not helpful for him to hear that he's annoying when all he wants is a drink! In a previous post I talked about the importance of repairing your relationship with your little one after a rupture - here are some of the ways to do it. Establish safety in your relationship . When children feel safe and supported they will still do things that challenge you! However, the more secure they feel with you the less likely they are to feel that you are angry at them, or think they are bad, and instead may be able to learn that you will love them no matter what. This bodes well for those times that you are not on the same page and are needing to put in the boundaries. Remain accountable in your words, feelings and choices. When I am finding my partner frustrating it is not always his fault (but don't tell him that!). It's often when I am tired and busy and he is not getting what I need. We both need to take responsibility for finding a way forward, communicating well, acknowledging our feelings and being clear about what we need. Little ones don't quite have the skills for this yet and it is our job to model them how we manage ruptures. So do try to think about whether you would have responded differently were you not so knackered, consider what their behaviour was communicating (there's always a reason!) and try to be clear in how you discuss what happened. We do need to help little ones learn but it's also very helpful if they can see what part we played. For example, after I have calmed down from being woken at 5:30 I apologise to my little one for being cross. I tell him that sleep is important and that it makes me grumpy if he wakes me up early. I also try to think more broadly about what would have helped - for example, making sure he was well fed and watered before bed and getting myself into a better routine. What is important is that he hears I am not blaming him for being hungry and waking up at the time his body clock is set to wake! Know what to say (or not to say) and when to talk (or not talk) If you are anything like me you might want to have the last word, or show that you are right. Particularly in the moment! Whilst it would be more helpful if I did not feel the need to do this, especially with my pre-schooler, I do know it's a trait of mine. It's important to learn to read what is going on - is it really the time to engage in a battle with them when everyone is exhausted? Think about what purpose it will serve (probably make you feel more distant). It's OK to revisit at a later time. When you are talking to your child about tricky times, try to be curious, talk about unhelpful behaviours, explain how you understood what happened (what feelings were driving their behaviour), talk about your part in the rupture, apologise and say what you could have done differently. What a great model for children to see parents showing they understand, are interested in what's going on and make mistakes themselves. So much more healthy than punishing - remember discipline is about teaching, not making children feel bad or naughty.

Co-regulating with your little one

by Sarah Mundy • 21 June 2020
If I’m being completely honest, I have always struggled to explain what “co-regulation” is. It’s a term banded about frequently, but often without a clear explanation of what it actually means and, most importantly, how we actually do it! Looking up the definition of co-regulation on Wikipedia (a " continuous unfolding of individual action that is susceptible to being continuously modified by the continuously changing actions of the partner" ) didn’t clarify things. So, I thought it might be helpful to write a blog about it, with as little psychobabble as possible. I have focused upon what it is, why it’s so important in early childhood. I have also provided some ideas to help parents support their children through co-regulation. Here goes… What is Emotional Regulation? Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to an experience without feeling overwhelmed by it (and becoming “dysregulated” – where you lose control of your internal world). It’s about managing our levels of arousal, i.e. how calm or excited we are. Although no one has it down to a tee (there will always be times that we will struggle to regulate how we are feeling), as we get older we learn to regulate our emotions ourselves. This is known as “self-regulation”. We do this by becoming aware of our feelings, understanding them and learning to express them in a healthy way. We develop a conscious control of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Managing our emotions ourselves requires higher-level thinking. We need to be able to recognise when something triggers us and find a way to bring down our level of arousal before responding. It requires a level of awareness and ability to reflect. The ability to self-regulate is an important one. The better we are at managing our feelings, the more able we are to manage our behaviours (so important for social relationships). We can focus on what is happening in the moment without becoming overwhelmed, we will feel more balanced emotionally and are less likely to turn to unhealthy coping strategies. What is Co-Regulation?
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