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A Reflective “Bagoon"
Sarah Mundy • Apr 15, 2020
My “new” life involves a lot of change, as I’m sure does yours. When we first went into lockdown, the predictability, which is so helpful for young children, fell by the wayside as my partner and I tried to negotiate who was the more important keyworker and who should stay-at-home with the children (I seem to have ended up with both roles!).
We have now fallen into a new routine with just the five of us (plus a cat, some aqua dragons, and a huge amount of clutter) within our four walls. Despite still working, my load has much reduced and I’m actually getting into the slowness of life and finding time to breathe. My normal rush home from work without having prepared dinner has turned to cooking three proper meals three times this week. A creativity I didn’t know existed has risen and my children and I have come up with our own graffiti tags for the back wall (the end product isn’t quite what I’d imagined), created a clay fish treasure hunt and had great fun with quizzes and board games. I hadn’t found time for enough of these things before now.
Before I go on, and you start thinking this is one of those manufactured blogs where I am painting the perfect family life even at such a difficult time, it’s important to let you know that it’s not harmonious in my house much of the time. Sibling rivalry can be extreme with someone always feeling left out and, no matter what new and exciting things I introduce, I can’t quite live up to hanging out with peers which my oldest two are desperately in need of. The reluctance to help around the house is mind-boggling and my toddler has hit his terrible twos with a vengeance (I think this is also lockdown induced). The days can feel very very long.
Although I love and miss city life (where I have lived most of my life) right now there is nowhere I would rather be than home in Cornwall where we are lucky enough to be able to cycle to the beach for our daily exercise. We came across the most beautiful lagoon (quickly renamed a “bagoon” by my now three-year old) when we last visited the beach. It was tropical and warm and we let ourselves relax into the water – pretty idyllic especially within the context of the world being in crisis.
Then I looked around and saw a barren beach, one normally sprawling with tourists on a sunny Easter weekend.
I stepped out of my bubble and wondered how other families must be managing, those in over-run tower blocks, living with abusive partners, or watching their loved ones going to work and worrying about their health. A feeling of guilt arose. How could I be enjoying this enforced freedom with so much suffering in the world? Was it OK to be able to slow down, enjoy the children and actually notice things around me? I wasn’t sure.
But I had to acknowledge that there are some good things happening for me and my family, none of which I introduced on purpose but a by-product of this terrible situation. I am noticing birdsong, starfish and snakes and even gave a dying bee some water and watched him use his proboscis (I think that’s the word – I’m harking back to GCSE biology now!) to drink some. I remember taking great pleasure in saving insects as a child and this took me right back. I am even getting fitter (although am not sure that the evening wine consumption complements the bike riding). Most importantly, I am properly connecting with my children and getting to know them better. These are all things that I had forgotten to do in a meaningful way, being so pressured by the other tasks of daily life.
I reflected, by that bagoon that yes, it is OK to enjoy and learn from the positives despite what is going on around us. I want my children to learn the importance of being in the moment, noticing what is around and not having to always do. I’d like them to recognise how wonderful it is to connect with others (even when social distancing is ruling our society). These seem like especially important skills in times of adversity. Grounding ourselves and noticing the little things that make us feel positive are so helpful when all else is so out of our control.
These are the key things I have been reminded of, something to think about to get us all through this difficult time.
· We all need to be in nature, however we can. It helps our bodies feel calmer
· We all need connection, to help us feel understood and part of a group (however limited that may be at this time)
· We all need physical activity to keep our minds and bodies fit
· We need to reflect upon what our priorities are for when this is over
I don’t think it’s an indulgence to embrace the positives that this time brings, but I do feel privileged to be in my position. Many are not in the same boat and I recognise that they are experiencing the crisis in a very different way to me, with much less time to reflect, connect and feel safe.
I have a group of old school friends on WhatsApp, one of whom is a Consultant Virologist. I often wonder whether I should be sharing my current situation with her – foraging for wild garlic when she is saving lives feels rather frivolous. But she likes the reminder that there is beauty outside the pain. And that there is hope for the future. We have already organised a post corona bagoon party for when this is all over.
Where are the children in all this?
Enough about me and my naval gazing! I am well aware that this is a blog about parenting and all I have been doing is writing about what I have been learning! I do strongly believe that the key to feeling more confident and competent as parents is to look after ourselves and reflect upon our own lives. I’d say now is a pretty important time for this. Focusing upon self-care isn’t just to model to your children being kind to yourself is important but to make you more available to them. I’ve already written a brief resource on how to support your children through this time, highlighting the need for self-care, attachment, explore what they are feeling and help them develop a coherent story. Whilst this is not a linear process, self-care really does need to come first.
I was reminded this morning when I overheard Bartley and Nudge having this conversation how I need to continue to help my children make sense of what is going on. I did notice that their rhyming talk wasn’t quite a flowing as normal (!).
It was nice to swim
But no one’s around
Not in the caves
They couldn’t be found
Oh Bartley poor thing
How tricky for you
Did it feel like
there was nothing to do?
You’re probably confused
Maybe feeling quite sad
It is a hard time
Are you feeling bad?
Yeah Nudge you’re right.
This virus is mean
It still doesn’t let me
Play with my team
I miss them so much
I want all my friends
Please let me know
When will it end?
There may be a new norm, but it’s still a time of confusion and uncertainty for children.
My youngest child is still using superhero powers to rid the world of the Coronavirus, speaking about it a few times a day, showing me how present it is in his mind. He was so excited when he thought our local shop was open again only to be upset that it was just serving out of the front door as it has been since the lockdown. It was his birthday yesterday and he was clearly disappointed he couldn’t see his friends. So hard for him to understand at such a young age.
My middle child, who is an emotional soul, is very up and down. He is struggling to sleep and is clearly very anxious about the situation and this is coming out in heightened anxiety about lots of other things.
My oldest has become rather withdrawn and unusually rude to me.
I’m trying to remain open and engaged with them and to help them label how they are feeling and make sense of the situation in a way they can understand. I’m reminding myself that my children are still struggling, are showing this to me in different ways, and that it’s my job to keep it together and help them with this. Keeping up a PACE attitude (towards myself and them) makes this much easier.
Despite waxing lyrical about how well I’m coping, and how lucky we are, frayed tempers are becoming more frequent. A couple of times I have had to take myself off to my bedroom for a little sob when the enormity of others’ suffering hits and the family atmosphere is fractious. I miss my friends and family, their warmth and fun. I’d like a break from the children and to see my clients in person. Like my three-year old I would rid the world of this virus if I had a superpower.
We have achieved 85% of our crowdfunding campaign
target and we really appreciate all the support you have given us, especially at this tricky time. There is still time to pledge to pre-order our children's book, "Please Stay Here - I Want You Near", to support little ones through separation anxiety - a resource that we believe will be very helpful come September when children start school and pre-school. You can also pledge for our Parenting Handbook which we are making available straight away because it has lots of advice which is applicable to support parents through lockdown.
Stay safe and healthy,
Sarah
Little children can be so confusing (and confused!). Sometimes it’s hard to know what they need from you - a three-year-old demands that she wants her cheese in a big piece one day and then cries because it’s not cut up the next. She wants you to hold her hand to go to the toilet in the morning, but later gets cross when you try to do the same. We’ve all been there, faced with the - sometimes baffling - behaviours of the small humans that surround us, wondering how to respond to their inconsistent requests. Perhaps it’s reassuring to realise that these seemingly random behaviours are actually quite natural - stages through which each child progresses. In a bid to help you support your growing pre-schoolers more effectively, this blog talks about some of the things (there are many!) happening inside their heads and how you can support them with what’s going on. What’s Happening Inside a Three-Year-Old’s Brain?
What was your favourite story when you were growing up? Was it a traditional fairy tale like Cinderella? Was it a popular picture book like The Very Hungry Caterpillar or The Gruffalo? Or was it a great adventure story like CS Lewis’ Narnia series or JK Rowling’s Harry Potter? Mine was Dogger by Shirley Hughes. Funny that the first book I wrote was about separation anxiety! For many of us, sharing and reading books was an important part of childhood, even more so before the advent of distracting screens and 24/7 streaming. I have fond memories of curling up in bed, half asleep, as my mum or dad read to me complete with silly voices and giggles aplenty. It's not just books though - you can make your own stories up too. I tell my little one a story about “Grizzly Bear with the Curly Hair” every night. It’s evolved to be a lovely family tradition, with my older children sometimes coming to join in. This is a wonderful way to stimulate both mine and my children’s imagination and what I most love about it is how the narrative is co-constructed – I am no longer allowed to be the sole story-teller, my son has to be part of it too! A 2018 research study found that nowadays only 30% of parents read to their children daily and I can’t help feeling that’s a bit sad. Especially given the many benefits of sharing story time go far beyond pure entertainment.
I thought I’d do a post on guilt and shame, feelings which are often used interchangeably but, from my understanding are pretty different. A quick whizz through some child development When we are little, particularly when we start testing the boundaries during toddlerhood, parents need to intervene to keep children safe. For those of you with little ones the word “NO” probably comes out more than you would like it to! This is a normal part of development – children exploring without an understanding of risks, and needing adult involvement to know when to stop. When a child is asked to stop doing something, which was most probably led by curiosity (can I touch that hot thing in the fire place?!), they are likely to experience shame. It’s not a nice feeling but is quickly regulated when a parent explains their motive and repairs the rupture in the relationship. “I’m sorry that I raised my voice, I know you were just exploring but it’s dangerous to touch fires” and so on. This gives the message that the parent is still there for the child and that they are accepted for who they are. The parent is showing them that their behaviour not OK, but that they are. This sort of parenting, when reasonably consistent, leads to a child feeling guilt rather than shame. “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that, how can I make amends?” (obviously not so clearly thought out for little ones but you get the gist). .
As a newborn, we look to our parents for everything. To feed us, to comfort us and to protect us. If they give us this safety and security, a healthy emotional bond develops. Research shows that this attachment relationship is a crucial building block of a child’s development, helping them to grow socially, emotionally, behaviourally and intellectually. But what happens when children begin to spend time with other caregivers, outside of the home and away from their parents? Do they develop similar relationships with the nursery staff, childminders or pre-school teachers that look after them? And what does this mean for you if you’re working in Early Years?
If you work in an early years setting, you’ll be quite familiar with the scene. You’re welcoming the children and getting them settled at the start of the day, checking in with them and showing them what activities you have planned. Suddenly, you hear shouting and crying as a stressed-looking mum tries to detach her small child from her leg. You feel for her, you really do; this child regularly clings to her on arrival - the anxiety is palpable. It’s distressing for everyone involved. For Mum, for the child, for the other children who are already in the room, and not least for you. You know from experience that they will settle down and be OK, but that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. And you know, too, that poor Mum has headed off to work feeling guilty and upset, so it’s unsurprising when she phones 15 minutes later seeking reassurance from you. These experience are likely to be more pronounced at the moment, with children having fewer, if any, opportunities to practice separating from their parents, with collective anxiety at a huge level and with normal settling in sessions, with parents in the room, being unavailable. What is separation anxiety?
Where do I start? Attachment is a HUGE topic, with decades of research highlighting how important it is to a child’s development. But do you know what an attachment relationship actually is? And why it’s so important? Do you know what helps children develop more secure attachment relationships? With different approaches and a number of terms banded around it can feel so confusing. This blog addresses these questions and focuses upon ways that parents and educational settings can put attachment theory into practice. It is based upon my experience as a Clinical Psychologist. For over 15 years I have been drawing upon attachment theory to inform my work with parents and children. I’ve tried to ensure that my suggestions are user-friendly. As a mum of three I have learnt that theory does not always feel that easy to translate into practice. We can feel pressured to get it right all of the time (apologies to the clients I worked with before having my own children!). The beauty of attachment theory is that we don’t have to be perfect. Just good enough. As with anything scientific there can be a lot of jargon – I have put the key words in italics and tried to write with minimal psychobabble. I do hope you enjoy it! What is attachment (in a nutshell)?
In case you hadn’t noticed, Christmas is coming, and fast! It’s different this year, without nativity plays, big get togethers and light turn-ons. But it’s still happening, as both we, and our children well know! My three-year-old is already telling me that it is “Christmas tomorrow” on a daily basis (to be fair he also thinks it’s still Halloween so he’s not particularly accurate in his understanding of seasonal activities!). He is, however, starting to get excited. He’s remembering the elves escapades from last year, asking when they are coming back (I still haven’t found them in my cluttered house!). Why I added the nightly task of creating funny Elf scenes throughout December to the already huge list of Christmas jobs is beyond me, but at least he likes it! I was also quite proud of last year’s zip wire adventure.
I know the gold standard for writing blogs is to deliver them on a fortnightly basis. I’ve been a bit remiss as this is my first one in months! What a better topic to start with then than why it is OK not to get things right all the time. Perfection is unobtainable, but it does seem to be something that we are pushed to do. The number of posts out there on mum guilt is astonishing. Over the last year we have been expected to juggle life in a way that does not seem possible. Many of us have been coping with (or trying to) being teachers, parents and professionals, three full time jobs all at the same time! This has left me wondering whether it’s actually possible to do anything well enough! And then along comes Christmas (gulp!). I’m hoping that reading this will leave you feeling happier with how you are doing as a parent, that you will realise that buying into the pressure to get it “right” is not helpful, and that you will learn that the attachment research highlights how we don’t need to be perfect to raise happy and healthy children. Children don’t need us all of the time. They need is a parent who knows they are good enough for them, accepts their foibles, makes and owns mistakes, and can manage their own emotional world. Forget Perfection - Strive for Good Enough Parents can feel a great deal of guilt around their work/life balance. Guilt can actually be a helpful emotion, allowing you to reflect on what is, and isn’t working. However, when you have little control over the things you want to change, it can feel overwhelming. The first thing you need to remember is that you are doing your best, and that is good enough. Interestingly, an article in the Economist reported that we spend twice as much time with our children as parents did 50 years ago (The Economist, November 27th 2017), suggesting that we are already much more active in our parenting than we used to be. “Good enough” is key to parenting. Research into attachment, which is important to children’s development, highlights how we should strive to be good enough, not perfect. A recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order to develop secure attachment relationships (Woodhouse et al., 2019). So, if you’re getting it right about half the time, you’re onto something! Quality of Time is Far More Important than Quantity
Well what a year it has been. Not one that any of us could have imagined or would have hoped for. All over the world we are having to adapt to the threat of Covid-19 and uncertainty about the future. Children have had prolonged periods away from education and, although some of them are back, this can be on and off as and when Covid-19 dictates. Helping children cope with these changes is key for the education sector if we are to support them to re-engage in learning. As a Clinical Psychologist I have been working with schools as well as children and families over this difficult period. I wrote this blog to summarise some of the ways educational professionals can support children through the increased anxiety they are likely to be feeling. Anxiety and Covid-19 A global pandemic is not good for anyone’s emotional wellbeing and is having an impact upon us all. Whilst we are all in very different situations, it is far from what any of us are used to and children will be noticing these changes. They are likely to be seeing more worried adults, hearing more stressful news and having little, if any, time with friends. Children have had to contend with new rules, a change in routine, a lack of control and a loss of relationships. Like us, they feel safe when things are predictable – something which has been absent for many months now.
We can't always live in harmony with our little ones, sometimes our agendas feel miles apart. For me most of the ruptures come early in the morning, when my little one is pulling my nightie up saying "milk" and I am saying "sleep". My parenting powers aren't at their best at 5:30 and I often become cross (yup, I tell him to stop being annoying and to let me sleep). So, when this happens it really is my responsibility to repair the rupture. The behaviour really is annoying, but it's not helpful for him to hear that he's annoying when all he wants is a drink! In a previous post I talked about the importance of repairing your relationship with your little one after a rupture - here are some of the ways to do it. Establish safety in your relationship . When children feel safe and supported they will still do things that challenge you! However, the more secure they feel with you the less likely they are to feel that you are angry at them, or think they are bad, and instead may be able to learn that you will love them no matter what. This bodes well for those times that you are not on the same page and are needing to put in the boundaries. Remain accountable in your words, feelings and choices. When I am finding my partner frustrating it is not always his fault (but don't tell him that!). It's often when I am tired and busy and he is not getting what I need. We both need to take responsibility for finding a way forward, communicating well, acknowledging our feelings and being clear about what we need. Little ones don't quite have the skills for this yet and it is our job to model them how we manage ruptures. So do try to think about whether you would have responded differently were you not so knackered, consider what their behaviour was communicating (there's always a reason!) and try to be clear in how you discuss what happened. We do need to help little ones learn but it's also very helpful if they can see what part we played. For example, after I have calmed down from being woken at 5:30 I apologise to my little one for being cross. I tell him that sleep is important and that it makes me grumpy if he wakes me up early. I also try to think more broadly about what would have helped - for example, making sure he was well fed and watered before bed and getting myself into a better routine. What is important is that he hears I am not blaming him for being hungry and waking up at the time his body clock is set to wake! Know what to say (or not to say) and when to talk (or not talk) If you are anything like me you might want to have the last word, or show that you are right. Particularly in the moment! Whilst it would be more helpful if I did not feel the need to do this, especially with my pre-schooler, I do know it's a trait of mine. It's important to learn to read what is going on - is it really the time to engage in a battle with them when everyone is exhausted? Think about what purpose it will serve (probably make you feel more distant). It's OK to revisit at a later time. When you are talking to your child about tricky times, try to be curious, talk about unhelpful behaviours, explain how you understood what happened (what feelings were driving their behaviour), talk about your part in the rupture, apologise and say what you could have done differently. What a great model for children to see parents showing they understand, are interested in what's going on and make mistakes themselves. So much more healthy than punishing - remember discipline is about teaching, not making children feel bad or naughty.
