Attachment explained – what it is, why is it important and how you help your child to become more secure

Sarah Mundy • 10 February 2021

“Attachment is as central to the developing child as eating and breathing”. (Robert Shaw)

Where do I start? Attachment is a HUGE topic, with decades of research highlighting how important it is to a child’s development. But do you know what an attachment relationship actually is? And why it’s so important? Do you know what helps children develop more secure attachment relationships? With different approaches and a number of terms banded around it can feel so confusing.

This blog addresses these questions and focuses upon ways that parents and educational settings can put attachment theory into practice.  It is based upon my experience as a Clinical Psychologist. For over 15 years I have been drawing upon attachment theory to inform my work with parents and children.

I’ve tried to ensure that my suggestions are user-friendly. As a mum of three I have learnt that theory does not always feel that easy to translate into practice. We can feel pressured to get it right all of the time (apologies to the clients I worked with before having my own children!).  The beauty of attachment theory is that we don’t have to be perfect. Just good enough.

As with anything scientific there can be a lot of jargon – I have put the key words in italics and tried to write with minimal psychobabble. I do hope you enjoy it!

What is attachment (in a nutshell)?

Attachment theory was developed by Psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1930s. 

 

Depending on the experiences a child has with their parents, and other important adults in their life, they develop certain ways to respond to others and view themselves and the world. Shaped by their experiences of being parented, children develop an internal working model, a template of how they see themselves and the world which is. It’s quite clever really – humans learn to behave in the way that will help maximise their chances of getting their needs met.




How do different types of parenting relate to different attachment patterns?

 

Research has shown that there are four different patterns of emotional expression and behaviour that children develop according to the parenting they receive. These come out when they are under stress, being shown through how they use their parent to help them cope with this.


Secure attachment

Around 60% of us develop a secure attachment. This is when children experience their parents as predictable, nurturing and available. Children learn that they are loved, noticed and understood.

 

Children develop secure attachment relationships when their parent is in tune with them. When they notice how they are feeling and behaving and help them make sense of this (known in the trade as attunement).

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Insecure-ambivalent attachment

We also talk about insecure attachment relationships. These develop when a parent is less in tune with their child’s needs. If a parent is inconsistent – sometimes available and sometimes not – they are more likely to develop ambivalent attachment relationships. Children learn that they are more likely to get their needs met if they stay close to their parent and can become clingy and find it hard to be independent. They are often led by their feelings and have a fear of separation.

 

Insecure-avoidant attachment

Children who have parents who are rarely available, or are punishing and neglectful, can learn to suppress their feelings and not ask for help when they need it. They develop avoidant attachment relationships. They are often too independent, scared of being rejected and led more by their thoughts rather than feelings.

 

Disorganised attachment

When children are exposed to very frightening care-giving they can develop disorganised attachment relationships. This is what I often see in my clinical work, with children who have suffered early trauma. Sadly, this leaves a child consistently unsure of how their parent will respond – they don’t know what to do as their supposed source of comfort is actually a source of fear. 



Don’t panic!

 

At this stage you may be panicking – asking yourself if your child is secure enough, berating yourself for not being available as much as you could have. Try to remember that secure attachment relationships may be what we aspire to, but they are not actually that normal! Please try not to worry - nearly half of us lean towards insecure attachment relationships - they are adaptive ways to fit with the parenting that we have experienced. 

 

We all have strengths and struggles.

Of my three children one has a tendency towards avoidance, the other ambivalence and the other security…and that’s OK! When I think about it it’s pretty obvious how my parenting has led to them coping in different ways. We need to notice our foibles (as well as those of our children) and think about what changes we might need to focus on.

 

Focus on being good enough, not perfect.

The other thing to remember is that no one is available and nurturing all the time – it’s not humanly possible. A recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order to develop secure attachment relationships (Woodhouse et al., 2019). Try not to worry too much if you feel like you are getting it wrong more than you would like to.

 

Remember some behaviour is developmentally normal (and not a sign of insecure attachment).

For those of you with little ones you may also be thinking about your toddler’s behaviour – they may have become very clingy or overly independent (or oscillate between the two). This is normal! They are starting to explore the big wide world, wanting to do things on their own, but not always being able to do so. Meltdowns, separation anxiety and having to put on their own shoes are all par for the course, however frustrating!



Why is attachment important?


The benefits of developing a secure attachment are multitude - when we are safe in our relationships the world feels more exciting and less frightening. We can be vulnerable and know that others can help us, we can be curious and find joy more easily. 

 

Our internal working models are shaped into believing we are worthy and loveable and that we can influence others. We approach the world accordingly. When things get too much, we know that we have a “safe base” to return to for help (have a look into the circle of security if you want to know more - https://vimeo.com/circleofsecurity).

 

Just through picturing your child’s last tantrum you will well know that, when we are little, we struggle to control our feelings and behaviour on our own (known as self-regulation). However, through co-regulation (where an adult helps a child learn what they are feeling and manage their feelings before they can do it for themselves) this happens more quickly. Not surprisingly, it is through secure attachment relationships that co-regulation works best. See our previous blog on co-regulation.

 

And if that wasn’t enough, there is evidence that secure attachment results in optimal brain development, the development of self-awareness and empathy, better friendships, more engagement and success in learning and better problem solving…the list goes on!



How can you help your child become more securely attached?

 

There are lots of ways that you can help your child become more securely attached to you - it’s never too late!


Reflect on your own parenting

Just like our children, we also have internal working models that are established early on and have developed from our experiences of being parented. These come out to play (often unconsciously) in our own parenting behaviour. Interestingly the most significant predictor of a child developing a secure attachment is their parents’ ability to mentalise (the ability to understand our own, and others, minds).

 

The first thing to do is think about yourself, ask yourself the following:

·        Where do your strengths and vulnerabilities lie as a parent?

·        Do you tend to dismiss emotions?

·        Are you somewhat inconsistent in your parenting? 

·        What did you learn from your parents? How did they support you to feel safe and learn to manage your feelings and behaviours?

·        Are you more driven by feelings or thoughts?

·        How does this translate into understanding and meeting your child’s needs? 

 

If you were part of a “just get on with it” family you may be more likely to dismiss your child’s feelings and expect them to cope on their own (leading to more avoidant ways of coping). If your parents were more available, but inconsistently so, your child may start to become more ambivalent.

 

Before you start worrying about your ability to change these patterns it’s important to remember that, even if you had a very difficult childhood you can still develop secure attachment relationships with your children. It just may take more support and reflection.

 

Focus on attunement and connection

Next, make sure you spend time noticing your child and trying to work out what are they showing. Sometimes what they express they need is different to what they actually need! Helping your child understand what is going on for them and storying this is also really important.

 

Try to ensure you have some time together that is about being with each other, not just doing (easier said than done with such busy schedules). Connected moments where you are influencing each other are known as intersubjective experiences. My son’s nanny always reminds me of how important this is – spending a day a week with my son without an agenda and with lots of moments of connection. It is so good for him (and her). It may sound simple – just try to enjoy each other as much as you can.

 

Be PACEful

Developed by Clinical Psychologist, Dr Dan Hughes, the PACE approach has been developed to help children develop more secure attachment relationships. It involves taking an attitude of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy in your parenting. Have a look at our blogs to read more on each of these elements. More about PACE can be found in my Parenting Handbook and the approach is also embedded into my interactive picture books - Bartley’s Books. (As you may be able to tell, I love this model!).

 

Manage tricky behaviour without damaging your relationship

When things get tricky it’s important that you try to manage the behaviour whilst also showing that you love your child unconditionally. You may disapprove of them drawing all over the walls, but that doesn’t mean that you have stopped loving them (even though you may not feel the love at that time!).

 

Young children need to learn that what they have done is unhelpful, and find other ways to behave, rather than that they are bad. Discipline is about teaching, not punishment, and the more secure they feel in your relationship the more they will let you influence them. Connect with them before you correct the behaviour – this helps both your attachment relationship but also their behavioural development.

 

Clinical Psychologist Kim Golding talks about the need to connect before you correct, as do Dan Siegel and Tina Payne-Bryson. You can also find a step-by-step guide to managing tricky behaviour without getting in the way of your relationship in my Parenting Handbook.

 

Repair after a rupture

We need to make mistakes and have ruptures in our relationships to reconnect and deepen that attachment security (we call this rupture and repair). So, when you do get it wrong give yourself a pat on the back and think of it as a chance to get closer to your child and show them that we all mistakes. (If you feel you are really struggling though then do ask for help).


As you may have gathered, I could talk about attachment until the cows come home! I’ve introduced lots of ideas today and left a huge amount out. You can hear more about many of these ideas in my Parenting Handbook and I’ll happily write more blog articles on areas you would like me to explore further – just let me know what these are.

 

I would also recommend having a look at The Power of Showing Up by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne-Bryson which looks at attachment and brain research and provides lots of really simple ideas to help your child feel more secure.

What is happening inside a young child's head? What every early years teacher should know.

by Sarah Mundy • 15 May 2021
Little children can be so confusing (and confused!). Sometimes it’s hard to know what they need from you - a three-year-old demands that she wants her cheese in a big piece one day and then cries because it’s not cut up the next. She wants you to hold her hand to go to the toilet in the morning, but later gets cross when you try to do the same. We’ve all been there, faced with the - sometimes baffling - behaviours of the small humans that surround us, wondering how to respond to their inconsistent requests. Perhaps it’s reassuring to realise that these seemingly random behaviours are actually quite natural - stages through which each child progresses. In a bid to help you support your growing pre-schoolers more effectively, this blog talks about some of the things (there are many!) happening inside their heads and how you can support them with what’s going on. What’s Happening Inside a Three-Year-Old’s Brain?

The Importance of Storytelling

by Sarah Mundy • 1 May 2021
What was your favourite story when you were growing up? Was it a traditional fairy tale like Cinderella? Was it a popular picture book like The Very Hungry Caterpillar or The Gruffalo? Or was it a great adventure story like CS Lewis’ Narnia series or JK Rowling’s Harry Potter? Mine was Dogger by Shirley Hughes. Funny that the first book I wrote was about separation anxiety! For many of us, sharing and reading books was an important part of childhood, even more so before the advent of distracting screens and 24/7 streaming. I have fond memories of curling up in bed, half asleep, as my mum or dad read to me complete with silly voices and giggles aplenty. It's not just books though - you can make your own stories up too. I tell my little one a story about “Grizzly Bear with the Curly Hair” every night. It’s evolved to be a lovely family tradition, with my older children sometimes coming to join in. This is a wonderful way to stimulate both mine and my children’s imagination and what I most love about it is how the narrative is co-constructed – I am no longer allowed to be the sole story-teller, my son has to be part of it too! A 2018 research study found that nowadays only 30% of parents read to their children daily and I can’t help feeling that’s a bit sad. Especially given the many benefits of sharing story time go far beyond pure entertainment.

Guilt and shame (why they aren't the same)

by Sarah Mundy • 11 April 2021
I thought I’d do a post on guilt and shame, feelings which are often used interchangeably but, from my understanding are pretty different. A quick whizz through some child development When we are little, particularly when we start testing the boundaries during toddlerhood, parents need to intervene to keep children safe. For those of you with little ones the word “NO” probably comes out more than you would like it to! This is a normal part of development – children exploring without an understanding of risks, and needing adult involvement to know when to stop. When a child is asked to stop doing something, which was most probably led by curiosity (can I touch that hot thing in the fire place?!), they are likely to experience shame. It’s not a nice feeling but is quickly regulated when a parent explains their motive and repairs the rupture in the relationship. “I’m sorry that I raised my voice, I know you were just exploring but it’s dangerous to touch fires” and so on. This gives the message that the parent is still there for the child and that they are accepted for who they are. The parent is showing them that their behaviour not OK, but that they are. This sort of parenting, when reasonably consistent, leads to a child feeling guilt rather than shame. “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that, how can I make amends?” (obviously not so clearly thought out for little ones but you get the gist). .

Are Early Years staff attachment figures for preschool children?

by Sarah Mundy • 24 March 2021
As a newborn, we look to our parents for everything. To feed us, to comfort us and to protect us. If they give us this safety and security, a healthy emotional bond develops. Research shows that this attachment relationship is a crucial building block of a child’s development, helping them to grow socially, emotionally, behaviourally and intellectually. But what happens when children begin to spend time with other caregivers, outside of the home and away from their parents? Do they develop similar relationships with the nursery staff, childminders or pre-school teachers that look after them? And what does this mean for you if you’re working in Early Years?

Smooth settling in - a guide for professionals - how to support little ones with separation anxiety

by Sarah Mundy • 24 February 2021
If you work in an early years setting, you’ll be quite familiar with the scene. You’re welcoming the children and getting them settled at the start of the day, checking in with them and showing them what activities you have planned. Suddenly, you hear shouting and crying as a stressed-looking mum tries to detach her small child from her leg. You feel for her, you really do; this child regularly clings to her on arrival - the anxiety is palpable. It’s distressing for everyone involved. For Mum, for the child, for the other children who are already in the room, and not least for you. You know from experience that they will settle down and be OK, but that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. And you know, too, that poor Mum has headed off to work feeling guilty and upset, so it’s unsurprising when she phones 15 minutes later seeking reassurance from you. These experience are likely to be more pronounced at the moment, with children having fewer, if any, opportunities to practice separating from their parents, with collective anxiety at a huge level and with normal settling in sessions, with parents in the room, being unavailable. What is separation anxiety?

The Build up to Christmas: 5 Ways to Help You and Your Child Enjoy the Festive Season

by Sarah Mundy • 20 December 2020
In case you hadn’t noticed, Christmas is coming, and fast! It’s different this year, without nativity plays, big get togethers and light turn-ons. But it’s still happening, as both we, and our children well know! My three-year-old is already telling me that it is “Christmas tomorrow” on a daily basis (to be fair he also thinks it’s still Halloween so he’s not particularly accurate in his understanding of seasonal activities!). He is, however, starting to get excited. He’s remembering the elves escapades from last year, asking when they are coming back (I still haven’t found them in my cluttered house!). Why I added the nightly task of creating funny Elf scenes throughout December to the already huge list of Christmas jobs is beyond me, but at least he likes it! I was also quite proud of last year’s zip wire adventure.

Parenting: Why Being "Good Enough" is Good Enough

by Sarah Mundy • 3 December 2020
I know the gold standard for writing blogs is to deliver them on a fortnightly basis. I’ve been a bit remiss as this is my first one in months! What a better topic to start with then than why it is OK not to get things right all the time. Perfection is unobtainable, but it does seem to be something that we are pushed to do. The number of posts out there on mum guilt is astonishing. Over the last year we have been expected to juggle life in a way that does not seem possible. Many of us have been coping with (or trying to) being teachers, parents and professionals, three full time jobs all at the same time! This has left me wondering whether it’s actually possible to do anything well enough! And then along comes Christmas (gulp!). I’m hoping that reading this will leave you feeling happier with how you are doing as a parent, that you will realise that buying into the pressure to get it “right” is not helpful, and that you will learn that the attachment research highlights how we don’t need to be perfect to raise happy and healthy children. Children don’t need us all of the time. They need is a parent who knows they are good enough for them, accepts their foibles, makes and owns mistakes, and can manage their own emotional world. Forget Perfection - Strive for Good Enough Parents can feel a great deal of guilt around their work/life balance. Guilt can actually be a helpful emotion, allowing you to reflect on what is, and isn’t working. However, when you have little control over the things you want to change, it can feel overwhelming. The first thing you need to remember is that you are doing your best, and that is good enough. Interestingly, an article in the Economist reported that we spend twice as much time with our children as parents did 50 years ago (The Economist, November 27th 2017), suggesting that we are already much more active in our parenting than we used to be. “Good enough” is key to parenting. Research into attachment, which is important to children’s development, highlights how we should strive to be good enough, not perfect. A recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order to develop secure attachment relationships (Woodhouse et al., 2019). So, if you’re getting it right about half the time, you’re onto something! Quality of Time is Far More Important than Quantity

Teaching in The Times of Covid: How You Can Help Children Manage Their Anxiety

by Sarah Mundy • 29 November 2020
Well what a year it has been. Not one that any of us could have imagined or would have hoped for. All over the world we are having to adapt to the threat of Covid-19 and uncertainty about the future. Children have had prolonged periods away from education and, although some of them are back, this can be on and off as and when Covid-19 dictates. Helping children cope with these changes is key for the education sector if we are to support them to re-engage in learning. As a Clinical Psychologist I have been working with schools as well as children and families over this difficult period. I wrote this blog to summarise some of the ways educational professionals can support children through the increased anxiety they are likely to be feeling. Anxiety and Covid-19 A global pandemic is not good for anyone’s emotional wellbeing and is having an impact upon us all. Whilst we are all in very different situations, it is far from what any of us are used to and children will be noticing these changes. They are likely to be seeing more worried adults, hearing more stressful news and having little, if any, time with friends. Children have had to contend with new rules, a change in routine, a lack of control and a loss of relationships. Like us, they feel safe when things are predictable – something which has been absent for many months now.

Rupture and Repair

by Sarah Mundy • 8 November 2020
We can't always live in harmony with our little ones, sometimes our agendas feel miles apart. For me most of the ruptures come early in the morning, when my little one is pulling my nightie up saying "milk" and I am saying "sleep". My parenting powers aren't at their best at 5:30 and I often become cross (yup, I tell him to stop being annoying and to let me sleep). So, when this happens it really is my responsibility to repair the rupture. The behaviour really is annoying, but it's not helpful for him to hear that he's annoying when all he wants is a drink! In a previous post I talked about the importance of repairing your relationship with your little one after a rupture - here are some of the ways to do it. Establish safety in your relationship . When children feel safe and supported they will still do things that challenge you! However, the more secure they feel with you the less likely they are to feel that you are angry at them, or think they are bad, and instead may be able to learn that you will love them no matter what. This bodes well for those times that you are not on the same page and are needing to put in the boundaries. Remain accountable in your words, feelings and choices. When I am finding my partner frustrating it is not always his fault (but don't tell him that!). It's often when I am tired and busy and he is not getting what I need. We both need to take responsibility for finding a way forward, communicating well, acknowledging our feelings and being clear about what we need. Little ones don't quite have the skills for this yet and it is our job to model them how we manage ruptures. So do try to think about whether you would have responded differently were you not so knackered, consider what their behaviour was communicating (there's always a reason!) and try to be clear in how you discuss what happened. We do need to help little ones learn but it's also very helpful if they can see what part we played. For example, after I have calmed down from being woken at 5:30 I apologise to my little one for being cross. I tell him that sleep is important and that it makes me grumpy if he wakes me up early. I also try to think more broadly about what would have helped - for example, making sure he was well fed and watered before bed and getting myself into a better routine. What is important is that he hears I am not blaming him for being hungry and waking up at the time his body clock is set to wake! Know what to say (or not to say) and when to talk (or not talk) If you are anything like me you might want to have the last word, or show that you are right. Particularly in the moment! Whilst it would be more helpful if I did not feel the need to do this, especially with my pre-schooler, I do know it's a trait of mine. It's important to learn to read what is going on - is it really the time to engage in a battle with them when everyone is exhausted? Think about what purpose it will serve (probably make you feel more distant). It's OK to revisit at a later time. When you are talking to your child about tricky times, try to be curious, talk about unhelpful behaviours, explain how you understood what happened (what feelings were driving their behaviour), talk about your part in the rupture, apologise and say what you could have done differently. What a great model for children to see parents showing they understand, are interested in what's going on and make mistakes themselves. So much more healthy than punishing - remember discipline is about teaching, not making children feel bad or naughty.

Co-regulating with your little one

by Sarah Mundy • 21 June 2020
If I’m being completely honest, I have always struggled to explain what “co-regulation” is. It’s a term banded about frequently, but often without a clear explanation of what it actually means and, most importantly, how we actually do it! Looking up the definition of co-regulation on Wikipedia (a " continuous unfolding of individual action that is susceptible to being continuously modified by the continuously changing actions of the partner" ) didn’t clarify things. So, I thought it might be helpful to write a blog about it, with as little psychobabble as possible. I have focused upon what it is, why it’s so important in early childhood. I have also provided some ideas to help parents support their children through co-regulation. Here goes… What is Emotional Regulation? Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to an experience without feeling overwhelmed by it (and becoming “dysregulated” – where you lose control of your internal world). It’s about managing our levels of arousal, i.e. how calm or excited we are. Although no one has it down to a tee (there will always be times that we will struggle to regulate how we are feeling), as we get older we learn to regulate our emotions ourselves. This is known as “self-regulation”. We do this by becoming aware of our feelings, understanding them and learning to express them in a healthy way. We develop a conscious control of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Managing our emotions ourselves requires higher-level thinking. We need to be able to recognise when something triggers us and find a way to bring down our level of arousal before responding. It requires a level of awareness and ability to reflect. The ability to self-regulate is an important one. The better we are at managing our feelings, the more able we are to manage our behaviours (so important for social relationships). We can focus on what is happening in the moment without becoming overwhelmed, we will feel more balanced emotionally and are less likely to turn to unhealthy coping strategies. What is Co-Regulation?
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