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Coping with Separations
Sarah Mundy • May 17, 2020
“As a child, I was very careful not to erase my mother's writing on the chalkboard because I would miss her.” Joyce Rachelle
The first thing my three-year old says to me when he wakes up every morning is “is the lockdown over”. I’m not quite sure how to respond. Yes, but no. You can’t see your friends yet but you can go to pre-school in a few weeks. No the Coronavirus hasn’t gone. Confusing.
I have been thinking a lot about how we, as parents, cope with the separation anxiety that both our little ones, and us, are likely to feel when we are no longer with each other 24-7. There will have been times (many in my case!) that we have wished for a moment’s peace over the last few months, but now we could get it do we feel comfortable with the change? And is it right for our children? It’s not as though we can slowly reintroduce their other most trusted adults, such as grannies and granddads, unless it’s in a public place and they don’t go close. This would feel like the most healthy step for our children before going back to childcare settings.
Instead, we might be sending them back to pre-school, nursery, childminders or big school. Whilst this is a necessity for many of us (I’m still debating whether I can manage working around the children or whether I will need at least some childcare) it is going to be tricky. If my little one goes back I’m really going to miss him.
Already we have children who are confused and more anxious than normal. You can see that everywhere. Even within our family this is coming out, with my children being more vigilant, not wanting to touch things, being worried about being in (or around) shops, needing the light on, looking concerned when we cough. I see their faces and it makes me so sad that they have to cope with this. But when they go back to childcare what is going to happen? Do they have to learn not to play with others or be close to adults when they need support? I just can’t imagine how bad that might be for their emotional well-being and long-term idea of relationships and closeness.
Will they be with adults who are worried about looking after them, and the risk that this entails? Will we be able to manage our anxiety about how they are being looked after, whether they are being exposed to the virus and what the impact might be upon them? What if we don’t send them back? Are we compromising their development of friendships and learning how to play together?
We just don’t know the answers, and these are very real fears.
I think what we all need to do is work out what will be best for us and our children, and how we minimise anxiety for everyone.
Please Stay Here – I Want You Near
“Try to prise a limpet away from its rock and it will cling all the harder.”
Jeremy Holmes, John Bowlby and Attachment Theory
We know that separation anxiety is a normal developmental process that children go through. It is common from the age of around 6 months, and lasts until children are three (and sometimes later). Whilst distressing to witness, it’s normally a sign that your child has started to know that you are available and responsive, and that they feel safer with you by their side. When children feel securely attached they go off and explore, knowing that they have you, their safe base, to return to. This reduces anxiety and gets them ready to set off on their curious little ambles again. Children need their secure bases now more than ever, providing them with their increased need to check in with trusted adults - such relationships are known to buffer against the effects of adversity
The difficulty with the current situation is that separation anxiety increases with transitions, all things ahead of us with the potential return to childcare and school. In my Parenting Handbook I provide some “Top Tips” for managing separations, all of which are particularly relevant now. When you have decided what is going to work best for your family you might want to think about some of the following in helping reduce anxiety around separations:
- Let them know that you understand they are worried, and that this is a very valid feeling. Don’t dismiss it by telling them not to be “silly”. We try to make things easier for our little ones by doing this, but actually what they need is to be understood and to learn that you can help them manage this big feeling.
- Try to keep yourself in check. Remind yourself that you are doing your best and your decision is based on what you need to do for your family right now. Emotions are contagious so showing your child how anxious you are about the change is likely to make things worse.
- Try to start with short separations – even if they were in full-time childcare before this will be a big change. Build it up slowly.
- Try to have more special time with your child outside of the childcare setting.
- Don’t sneak out or pretend you are only leaving briefly, however tempting this may be.
- Don’t make the goodbye too prolonged – it’s fine to distract them if you are honest about where you are going and when you will be back. And make sure you come back when you said you would!
- Let them know that you still want to be with them and will miss them, but that you have things to do that they can’t do with you.
- Remind your child what happens at the setting.
- I always recommend trying to transfer your child to a trusted adult. Their calming touch can be really helpful and makes your leaving much easier. Who knows how social distancing measures may impact upon this but let them see that you are working with whoever is looking after them.
- I would also recommend letting them take their favourite toy or object with them which reminds them of home and helps them to feel more at ease (this is known as a “transitional object”). I’m not sure how possible this will be (my teacher friend told me children weren’t allowed to bring things in from home). An alternative is to do something like drawing a little heart on their hand for them to look at during the day.
I think children will need time to process the changes where they are – I saw a very sad picture of children in France playing alone in their playground chalk boxes, not being allowed to mix with other children.
It is so important that we continue to help children understand what these changes are about and how they won’t last forever. It is OK for them to find things difficult and they will need additional support from you to make sense of them and have connected moments, which include physical contact, outside of childcare. Our skin is an organ designed to be touched and we need to attend to this within our family if it can’t happen outside.
My first interactive children’s book, Please Stay Here - I Want You Near, and a Parenting Handbook is available to pre-order now (arriving in August). I couldn’t think of a more important time to support children with separation anxiety, both for children going back to the same childcare setting and for those starting school. Please have a look at www.crowdfunder.co.uk/parenting-through-stories.
Remember that you are doing your best during these tricky times, that anxiety is normal for all of us, and to look after yourself as best you can. Try to keep up those moments of connection with your little one as much as you can.
Good luck!
Sarah
Little children can be so confusing (and confused!). Sometimes it’s hard to know what they need from you - a three-year-old demands that she wants her cheese in a big piece one day and then cries because it’s not cut up the next. She wants you to hold her hand to go to the toilet in the morning, but later gets cross when you try to do the same. We’ve all been there, faced with the - sometimes baffling - behaviours of the small humans that surround us, wondering how to respond to their inconsistent requests. Perhaps it’s reassuring to realise that these seemingly random behaviours are actually quite natural - stages through which each child progresses. In a bid to help you support your growing pre-schoolers more effectively, this blog talks about some of the things (there are many!) happening inside their heads and how you can support them with what’s going on. What’s Happening Inside a Three-Year-Old’s Brain?
What was your favourite story when you were growing up? Was it a traditional fairy tale like Cinderella? Was it a popular picture book like The Very Hungry Caterpillar or The Gruffalo? Or was it a great adventure story like CS Lewis’ Narnia series or JK Rowling’s Harry Potter? Mine was Dogger by Shirley Hughes. Funny that the first book I wrote was about separation anxiety! For many of us, sharing and reading books was an important part of childhood, even more so before the advent of distracting screens and 24/7 streaming. I have fond memories of curling up in bed, half asleep, as my mum or dad read to me complete with silly voices and giggles aplenty. It's not just books though - you can make your own stories up too. I tell my little one a story about “Grizzly Bear with the Curly Hair” every night. It’s evolved to be a lovely family tradition, with my older children sometimes coming to join in. This is a wonderful way to stimulate both mine and my children’s imagination and what I most love about it is how the narrative is co-constructed – I am no longer allowed to be the sole story-teller, my son has to be part of it too! A 2018 research study found that nowadays only 30% of parents read to their children daily and I can’t help feeling that’s a bit sad. Especially given the many benefits of sharing story time go far beyond pure entertainment.
I thought I’d do a post on guilt and shame, feelings which are often used interchangeably but, from my understanding are pretty different. A quick whizz through some child development When we are little, particularly when we start testing the boundaries during toddlerhood, parents need to intervene to keep children safe. For those of you with little ones the word “NO” probably comes out more than you would like it to! This is a normal part of development – children exploring without an understanding of risks, and needing adult involvement to know when to stop. When a child is asked to stop doing something, which was most probably led by curiosity (can I touch that hot thing in the fire place?!), they are likely to experience shame. It’s not a nice feeling but is quickly regulated when a parent explains their motive and repairs the rupture in the relationship. “I’m sorry that I raised my voice, I know you were just exploring but it’s dangerous to touch fires” and so on. This gives the message that the parent is still there for the child and that they are accepted for who they are. The parent is showing them that their behaviour not OK, but that they are. This sort of parenting, when reasonably consistent, leads to a child feeling guilt rather than shame. “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that, how can I make amends?” (obviously not so clearly thought out for little ones but you get the gist). .
As a newborn, we look to our parents for everything. To feed us, to comfort us and to protect us. If they give us this safety and security, a healthy emotional bond develops. Research shows that this attachment relationship is a crucial building block of a child’s development, helping them to grow socially, emotionally, behaviourally and intellectually. But what happens when children begin to spend time with other caregivers, outside of the home and away from their parents? Do they develop similar relationships with the nursery staff, childminders or pre-school teachers that look after them? And what does this mean for you if you’re working in Early Years?
If you work in an early years setting, you’ll be quite familiar with the scene. You’re welcoming the children and getting them settled at the start of the day, checking in with them and showing them what activities you have planned. Suddenly, you hear shouting and crying as a stressed-looking mum tries to detach her small child from her leg. You feel for her, you really do; this child regularly clings to her on arrival - the anxiety is palpable. It’s distressing for everyone involved. For Mum, for the child, for the other children who are already in the room, and not least for you. You know from experience that they will settle down and be OK, but that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. And you know, too, that poor Mum has headed off to work feeling guilty and upset, so it’s unsurprising when she phones 15 minutes later seeking reassurance from you. These experience are likely to be more pronounced at the moment, with children having fewer, if any, opportunities to practice separating from their parents, with collective anxiety at a huge level and with normal settling in sessions, with parents in the room, being unavailable. What is separation anxiety?
Where do I start? Attachment is a HUGE topic, with decades of research highlighting how important it is to a child’s development. But do you know what an attachment relationship actually is? And why it’s so important? Do you know what helps children develop more secure attachment relationships? With different approaches and a number of terms banded around it can feel so confusing. This blog addresses these questions and focuses upon ways that parents and educational settings can put attachment theory into practice. It is based upon my experience as a Clinical Psychologist. For over 15 years I have been drawing upon attachment theory to inform my work with parents and children. I’ve tried to ensure that my suggestions are user-friendly. As a mum of three I have learnt that theory does not always feel that easy to translate into practice. We can feel pressured to get it right all of the time (apologies to the clients I worked with before having my own children!). The beauty of attachment theory is that we don’t have to be perfect. Just good enough. As with anything scientific there can be a lot of jargon – I have put the key words in italics and tried to write with minimal psychobabble. I do hope you enjoy it! What is attachment (in a nutshell)?
In case you hadn’t noticed, Christmas is coming, and fast! It’s different this year, without nativity plays, big get togethers and light turn-ons. But it’s still happening, as both we, and our children well know! My three-year-old is already telling me that it is “Christmas tomorrow” on a daily basis (to be fair he also thinks it’s still Halloween so he’s not particularly accurate in his understanding of seasonal activities!). He is, however, starting to get excited. He’s remembering the elves escapades from last year, asking when they are coming back (I still haven’t found them in my cluttered house!). Why I added the nightly task of creating funny Elf scenes throughout December to the already huge list of Christmas jobs is beyond me, but at least he likes it! I was also quite proud of last year’s zip wire adventure.
I know the gold standard for writing blogs is to deliver them on a fortnightly basis. I’ve been a bit remiss as this is my first one in months! What a better topic to start with then than why it is OK not to get things right all the time. Perfection is unobtainable, but it does seem to be something that we are pushed to do. The number of posts out there on mum guilt is astonishing. Over the last year we have been expected to juggle life in a way that does not seem possible. Many of us have been coping with (or trying to) being teachers, parents and professionals, three full time jobs all at the same time! This has left me wondering whether it’s actually possible to do anything well enough! And then along comes Christmas (gulp!). I’m hoping that reading this will leave you feeling happier with how you are doing as a parent, that you will realise that buying into the pressure to get it “right” is not helpful, and that you will learn that the attachment research highlights how we don’t need to be perfect to raise happy and healthy children. Children don’t need us all of the time. They need is a parent who knows they are good enough for them, accepts their foibles, makes and owns mistakes, and can manage their own emotional world. Forget Perfection - Strive for Good Enough Parents can feel a great deal of guilt around their work/life balance. Guilt can actually be a helpful emotion, allowing you to reflect on what is, and isn’t working. However, when you have little control over the things you want to change, it can feel overwhelming. The first thing you need to remember is that you are doing your best, and that is good enough. Interestingly, an article in the Economist reported that we spend twice as much time with our children as parents did 50 years ago (The Economist, November 27th 2017), suggesting that we are already much more active in our parenting than we used to be. “Good enough” is key to parenting. Research into attachment, which is important to children’s development, highlights how we should strive to be good enough, not perfect. A recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order to develop secure attachment relationships (Woodhouse et al., 2019). So, if you’re getting it right about half the time, you’re onto something! Quality of Time is Far More Important than Quantity
Well what a year it has been. Not one that any of us could have imagined or would have hoped for. All over the world we are having to adapt to the threat of Covid-19 and uncertainty about the future. Children have had prolonged periods away from education and, although some of them are back, this can be on and off as and when Covid-19 dictates. Helping children cope with these changes is key for the education sector if we are to support them to re-engage in learning. As a Clinical Psychologist I have been working with schools as well as children and families over this difficult period. I wrote this blog to summarise some of the ways educational professionals can support children through the increased anxiety they are likely to be feeling. Anxiety and Covid-19 A global pandemic is not good for anyone’s emotional wellbeing and is having an impact upon us all. Whilst we are all in very different situations, it is far from what any of us are used to and children will be noticing these changes. They are likely to be seeing more worried adults, hearing more stressful news and having little, if any, time with friends. Children have had to contend with new rules, a change in routine, a lack of control and a loss of relationships. Like us, they feel safe when things are predictable – something which has been absent for many months now.
We can't always live in harmony with our little ones, sometimes our agendas feel miles apart. For me most of the ruptures come early in the morning, when my little one is pulling my nightie up saying "milk" and I am saying "sleep". My parenting powers aren't at their best at 5:30 and I often become cross (yup, I tell him to stop being annoying and to let me sleep). So, when this happens it really is my responsibility to repair the rupture. The behaviour really is annoying, but it's not helpful for him to hear that he's annoying when all he wants is a drink! In a previous post I talked about the importance of repairing your relationship with your little one after a rupture - here are some of the ways to do it. Establish safety in your relationship . When children feel safe and supported they will still do things that challenge you! However, the more secure they feel with you the less likely they are to feel that you are angry at them, or think they are bad, and instead may be able to learn that you will love them no matter what. This bodes well for those times that you are not on the same page and are needing to put in the boundaries. Remain accountable in your words, feelings and choices. When I am finding my partner frustrating it is not always his fault (but don't tell him that!). It's often when I am tired and busy and he is not getting what I need. We both need to take responsibility for finding a way forward, communicating well, acknowledging our feelings and being clear about what we need. Little ones don't quite have the skills for this yet and it is our job to model them how we manage ruptures. So do try to think about whether you would have responded differently were you not so knackered, consider what their behaviour was communicating (there's always a reason!) and try to be clear in how you discuss what happened. We do need to help little ones learn but it's also very helpful if they can see what part we played. For example, after I have calmed down from being woken at 5:30 I apologise to my little one for being cross. I tell him that sleep is important and that it makes me grumpy if he wakes me up early. I also try to think more broadly about what would have helped - for example, making sure he was well fed and watered before bed and getting myself into a better routine. What is important is that he hears I am not blaming him for being hungry and waking up at the time his body clock is set to wake! Know what to say (or not to say) and when to talk (or not talk) If you are anything like me you might want to have the last word, or show that you are right. Particularly in the moment! Whilst it would be more helpful if I did not feel the need to do this, especially with my pre-schooler, I do know it's a trait of mine. It's important to learn to read what is going on - is it really the time to engage in a battle with them when everyone is exhausted? Think about what purpose it will serve (probably make you feel more distant). It's OK to revisit at a later time. When you are talking to your child about tricky times, try to be curious, talk about unhelpful behaviours, explain how you understood what happened (what feelings were driving their behaviour), talk about your part in the rupture, apologise and say what you could have done differently. What a great model for children to see parents showing they understand, are interested in what's going on and make mistakes themselves. So much more healthy than punishing - remember discipline is about teaching, not making children feel bad or naughty.
