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Co-regulating with your little one
Sarah Mundy • Jun 21, 2020
We're in this together
If I’m being completely honest, I have always struggled to explain what “co-regulation” is. It’s a term banded about frequently, but often without a clear explanation of what it actually means and, most importantly, how we actually do it!
Looking up the definition of co-regulation on Wikipedia (a "continuous unfolding of individual action that is susceptible to being continuously modified by the continuously changing actions of the partner") didn’t clarify things. So, I thought it might be helpful to write a blog about it, with as little psychobabble as possible. I have focused upon what it is, why it’s so important in early childhood. I have also provided some ideas to help parents support their children through co-regulation. Here goes…
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to an experience without feeling overwhelmed by it (and becoming “dysregulated” – where you lose control of your internal world). It’s about managing our levels of arousal, i.e. how calm or excited we are.
Although no one has it down to a tee (there will always be times that we will struggle to regulate how we are feeling), as we get older we learn to regulate our emotions ourselves. This is known as “self-regulation”. We do this by becoming aware of our feelings, understanding them and learning to express them in a healthy way. We develop a conscious control of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
Managing our emotions ourselves requires higher-level thinking. We need to be able to recognise when something triggers us and find a way to bring down our level of arousal before responding. It requires a level of awareness and ability to reflect.
The ability to self-regulate is an important one. The better we are at managing our feelings, the more able we are to manage our behaviours (so important for social relationships). We can focus on what is happening in the moment without becoming overwhelmed, we will feel more balanced emotionally and are less likely to turn to unhealthy coping strategies.
What is Co-Regulation?
“The ability to quickly use the resources of a close other may represent a so-called fast route to emotional regulation” (Sbarra & Hazan, 2008)
As a social species we are pretty much always regulating each other’s emotions and nervous systems, be it our children, partners or colleagues. It’s a natural process. Simply speaking, co-regulation is about how people impact upon each other’s emotional states.
If you have a look at the still face experiment video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0 you will see how a mother’s response to a baby impacts upon them emotionally (warning, even this is only for 2 minutes it is quite distressing to see).
Co-regulation is not a one-way process, but more of an interactive dance in which two people provide moment-to-moment feedback to each other. “Being with” another person can bring our level of arousal down more quickly than trying to manage our feelings ourselves.
This is thought to be because the connection can help calm the lower brain without having to switch on the higher “thinking” part of the brain to find ways to calm.
Why is co-regulation particularly important for children?
When we are very young we rely on others to regulate our feelings - we have limited capacity to cope with them on our own. One of the key tasks of early development is learning to shift from external regulation (relying on others) to internal regulation, i.e. developing the capacity to self-regulate. Little ones need to be taught how to” do this. Not in a sitting down explaining sort of way, but through experiencing others helping them calm - through co-regulation.
When a baby feels an unfamiliar or uncomfortable sensation, they signal to their parent that something is the matter. The parent then steps in to help them regulate how they are feeling – supporting them to calm through non-verbal communication (eye contact, tone of voice, cuddling).
Babies just aren’t born with the ability to self-regulate and it takes some time to learn this skill. Have a think about a perfectly “normal” toddler’s reaction to not getting what they want immediately. It’s hardly a controlled expression of frustration! My three-year old is currently showing me on a daily basis how hard it is to regulate his feelings when you so little. Today he “lost it” when I moved a chair slightly out of place and turned the TV on for him (he needed to do it himself, clearly!).
Young children’s brains aren’t developed enough to self-regulate. They need adults to help strengthen those connections between the lower part of the brain (the more reactive survival system) and the higher parts of the brain (the more thinking parts). When children are stressed these two parts of the brain (being simplistic here so excuse me if you are a neurologist!) are less connected with each other, and adults need to help children, through co-regulation, to help develop and strengthen these connections. Siegal and Payne-Bryson talk about “flipping the lid” in the Whole Brain Child. Co-regulating helps put the lid back on!
The more we are able to co-regulate a child’s feelings, the quicker they will learn to self-regulate. I think, historically, we have often assumed that children have more control over their feelings (and resulting behaviours) than they actually do and have expected them to learn to manage their emotions earlier than they can.
When children are struggling we need to be with them, help them calm and help them learn to understand what they are feeling. Only then will they be able to learn to do this themselves in the future.
How do we do it?
It can be helpful to stop and think how we, as parents, are co-regulating our children’s feelings when they are overwhelmed (“dysregulated”) and unable to manage on their own.
If you have read my previous blogs, you will know that I love the PACE model. Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy are all qualities which help us co-regulate our children’s feelings. Approaching your children with this attitude will help you (and them) no end.
We co-regulate by offering a warm, calm response. When children feel overwhelmed your approach helps them learn to understand and express their feelings in a positive way. Try to do the following:
- Notice and label what they are feeling (tune into the emotions driving their behaviours). Siegal and Payne-Bryson talk about naming the feelings to tame them. When they know what they are feeling they will find it easier to understand and manage them.
- Mirror what they are feeling. People often suggest you support a child through a gentle and quiet voice, but I would always try to meet them where they are emotionally. Try to match their mood non-verbally – not through getting angry when they are but by increasing your rate of speech. By meeting them at their level you can bring the emotional temperature down. Just think how annoying it is when someone tells you to “calm down” in a slow and quiet voice when you are stressed!
- Show them you can cope with it – remain in control of your own feelings, help them feel contained.
- Find ways to help them feel soothed through non-verbal communication. Big feelings respond much better to non-verbal than verbal communication. This might include physical touch, eye-contact and a sing-song tone of voice.
- Let them know that you understand what they are feeling and that it is OK and that you are helping them find other ways, more helpful ways, to show this.
- You can reflect with them later what their body felt like when they were out of control to help them notice their own feelings.
- Give the message “we’re in this together” and that you are available to help them when they are struggling.
What about us?
The more able we are to regulate our own feelings and connect with our children’s, the better we can help them understand and manage how they are feeling and the calmer we will both be
(sometimes easier said than done in the midst of a meltdown!). How able we are to co-regulate depends on our own emotional state, and how regulated we are. This can affect how we read a child’s need for help, how we make sense of it, and what we do. We don’t always get it right and that’s OK!
I’m always going on about self-care and how, as parents, if we don’t actively focus on this we are not only modelling to our children that we don’t need to look after ourselves but also running on empty. It’s so much harder to help children when we are in a dysregulated state ourselves. Even though adults are much more able to regulate their own feelings, we mustn’t forget that having others around to help us can bring help us no end – co-regulation is relevant across the life span.
I remembered this recently when, having been with just my children and partner for months, without seeing friends, siblings or parents, I was losing my way. I was getting irritated easily, finding the children pushing my buttons all too often, becoming fed up and feeling unappreciated. They obviously picked up on this (I’m not very good a hiding my mood) and an unhealthy cycle of negative emotions started – not surprising as emotions are contagious.
It got to the point that my middle son asked if he could have more “daddy days” as “mummy days” weren’t fun (because I was being so grumpy: unfortunately he was spot on). This made me realise that I really was struggling to manage my emotional world on my own, that my children and partner were inadvertently feeding into this and I needed to seek help elsewhere.
I called my mum who came around as soon as she could. Whilst she couldn’t give me a hug, and looked a bit weird in a mask, her support, empathy and acceptance, verbal and non-verbal was just what I needed. I might be in my forties, but sometimes I still need my own mum to help me regulate my feelings (thanks mum!).
If you have any questions about Parenting Through Stories and our approach to supporting parents and children, then please don't hesitate to get in touch.
Take care of yourselves and each other,
Sarah
Our Parenting Handbook is full of practical tips and insights into a child's development which can help navigating parenting that little bit easier. Our lift-the-flap children's book, Please Stay Here - I Want You Near, supports little ones through separation anxiety - a very common challenge, especially at the moment. Both are available to buy here https://bit.ly/314RpU6
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We can't always live in harmony with our little ones, sometimes our agendas feel miles apart. For me most of the ruptures come early in the morning, when my little one is pulling my nightie up saying "milk" and I am saying "sleep". My parenting powers aren't at their best at 5:30 and I often become cross (yup, I tell him to stop being annoying and to let me sleep). So, when this happens it really is my responsibility to repair the rupture. The behaviour really is annoying, but it's not helpful for him to hear that he's annoying when all he wants is a drink! In a previous post I talked about the importance of repairing your relationship with your little one after a rupture - here are some of the ways to do it. Establish safety in your relationship . When children feel safe and supported they will still do things that challenge you! However, the more secure they feel with you the less likely they are to feel that you are angry at them, or think they are bad, and instead may be able to learn that you will love them no matter what. This bodes well for those times that you are not on the same page and are needing to put in the boundaries. Remain accountable in your words, feelings and choices. When I am finding my partner frustrating it is not always his fault (but don't tell him that!). It's often when I am tired and busy and he is not getting what I need. We both need to take responsibility for finding a way forward, communicating well, acknowledging our feelings and being clear about what we need. Little ones don't quite have the skills for this yet and it is our job to model them how we manage ruptures. So do try to think about whether you would have responded differently were you not so knackered, consider what their behaviour was communicating (there's always a reason!) and try to be clear in how you discuss what happened. We do need to help little ones learn but it's also very helpful if they can see what part we played. For example, after I have calmed down from being woken at 5:30 I apologise to my little one for being cross. I tell him that sleep is important and that it makes me grumpy if he wakes me up early. I also try to think more broadly about what would have helped - for example, making sure he was well fed and watered before bed and getting myself into a better routine. What is important is that he hears I am not blaming him for being hungry and waking up at the time his body clock is set to wake! Know what to say (or not to say) and when to talk (or not talk) If you are anything like me you might want to have the last word, or show that you are right. Particularly in the moment! Whilst it would be more helpful if I did not feel the need to do this, especially with my pre-schooler, I do know it's a trait of mine. It's important to learn to read what is going on - is it really the time to engage in a battle with them when everyone is exhausted? Think about what purpose it will serve (probably make you feel more distant). It's OK to revisit at a later time. When you are talking to your child about tricky times, try to be curious, talk about unhelpful behaviours, explain how you understood what happened (what feelings were driving their behaviour), talk about your part in the rupture, apologise and say what you could have done differently. What a great model for children to see parents showing they understand, are interested in what's going on and make mistakes themselves. So much more healthy than punishing - remember discipline is about teaching, not making children feel bad or naughty.
