Parenting Through Stories

YOUR HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD BY DR AOIFE DURCAN BOOK REVIEW

Sun, 15 Feb 2026 18:42:06 GMT

“My biggest piece of parenting advice is to try your best to let your child feel really seen by you. Even when their behaviour is confusing and you don’t understand, let them know you are trying to and that they mean the world to you”

The goal of the book is to help parents understand their highly sensitive child as well as provide us with some tools to help them flourish. She talks about wanting children to “feel understood, validated and loved for who they are deep down…and empowered in whatever way their wonderful selves are wired”. This fits so beautifully with my main approach in therapy but oh so relevant to parenting and relationships in general – the PACE model (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy).

A clear and compassionate read

“It is perfectly normal for some children to seek more connection and soothing. They may want more hugs, more closeness and more holding, and that is not something we need to fear or pathologise”.

I could tell straight away what a good clinician Aoife must be from the way she writes – with such connection, empathy and understanding of both parents and children’s experiences. As a parent who has (what I’d now call a highly sensitive child) it really connected with me on a personal level. Her explanation of psychological theories is amazingly clear – something which is sometimes lacking in books written by professionals. This is particularly impressive as she beautifully validates emotive topics (such as sleep and our own history).

Summary

This book so beautifully focuses on children and adults and, I suspect, many of us with highly sensitive children would fit the profile ourselves. It will be a great help to many – providing ways to support both our children but to help us flourish as well.

I knew a lot of the theory and ideas in the book (as a psychologist of 20 years I was relieved about that!) but for parents there is a wealth of new knowledge and for me it was a useful reminder.

Here is a breakdown chapter by chapter:

Chapter 1: Understanding your sensitive child

Aoife talks about what sensitive means (something I would love to explore further with her in terms of temperament, neurodivergence and early experiences – all of which she describes but something I want to know more about). Aoife describes “the difference between high sensitivity and these other forms of neurodivergence is that they encompass features of a distinct brain style beyond sensitivity alone”, acknowledging that there can be concern that identifying a trait of high sensitivity may lead to a missed diagnosis of other forms of neurodivergence and that it has been somewhat controversial a term in the neurodivergent community.

She talks about the importance of co-regulation (something I bang on about a lot!) and describes goodness of fit (how well our child’s environment fits their unique needs) which was a good reminder to me that my children need different things to thrive.

Throughout the book Aoife weaves in case studies, and I love the way she shares a deep understanding with other parents who have often experienced “huge amounts of self-blame and shame” when looking after their highly sensitive child.

I love her deeper dive into sensitivity, where she outlines Dr Elaine Aron’s main characteristics of sensitivity with the acronym DOES (depth of processing, overstimulation, emotional reactivity and sensing the subtleties). Sometimes I thought I was reading specifically about my son (and sometimes myself!).

Chapter 2: Your child’s window of tolerance

“If we keep coming back to the premise that our children are acting mainly from their emotional brain and an underdeveloped ability for impulse control, it helps us understand a little more. The more we pause ourselves and imagine how it feels to be in their shoes, their behaviour often makes sense”.

She describes highly sensitive children as orchids, with very big hearts and highlights that there is an increased activation in areas of the brain which are associated with awareness, integration of sensory information, empathy and action planning (I’m going to ask more about this research when we have our live). It made so much sense that children with more finely tuned nervous systems, who detect danger more easily than others are more likely to be on edge. A much better way of understanding children who are struggling than thinking their behaviour is bad – they are just responding to what signals their body is sending to them.

After helping us understand what may be going on for highly sensitive children, Aoife talks about the window of tolerance, sleep, transitions and the three R’s (regulate, relate and reason). I scribbled a lot on this chapter as it resonated so much with me and served some lovely reminders to me as a parent and psychologist, particularly when Aoife highlighted how children can become ashamed of their actions (that they have little control of) and how anger can turn to tears when we respond with empathy and kindness.

Chapter 3: Our own life history

I love this chapter! Many parenting books forget that we are key to our child’s emotional wellbeing and leave us out! Aoife talks about our own critical voice, comparing ourselves with others, vulnerability and our emotional and physical health. She outlined the RAIN of self-compassion model (Recognise, Allow, Investigate and Nurture) which was new (and helpful) to me and, I suspect, draws on her experience of working with adults I suspect). It is written warmly and compassionately and is much more comprehensive than you normally see. There was not one inch of parent shaming which can sometimes slip into books (inadvertently).

Chapter 4: How we learn to protect ourselves

We often focus on what we as adults are getting wrong but Aoife clearly outlines how we as well as our children learn to cope to protect ourselves (which fits really nicely with attachment theory which I draw on heavily in my work). She describes “protectors” such as perfectionism, people-pleasing, self-soothing (I’d always thought of this as a good thing) and control. Helpfully, this chapter includes practical grounding and soothing techniques.

Chapter 5: Temperament, being ‘shy’ and understanding anxiety

“ separating from \us will often cause our more sensitive souls stress. The stress makes so much sense (we are their safe place)l…In an ideal world, we really want the childcare setting to be another nurturing, warm and attuned relationship our child has in their life”

Aoife focuses on some of the things that highly sensitive children may find harder in this chapter – whilst often reframing them with a positive spin e.g. the ‘pause to check’ system). She talks about separation anxiety, temperament, childcare, big emotions after school and helping children move into their “optimal zone of tolerance” to help them learn new skills without feeling overwhelmed.

I like the way worries are framed as a powerful coping protector that manifests when we feel scared, sad or like we are not good enough…it helps to go straight to the underlying need our child may be communicating rather than get caught up in the cognitive content of the worries – to feel safe, loved, validated, understood and accepted,

True confidence comes from knowing deep down at your core that \you are a worthy person, and you are lovable as you are. We can be confident and quiet, and being ‘shy’ is not a negative thing

According to Aoife, 70% of \highly sensitive people identify with the trait of introversion (not mine). I love the term “introverted extravert” (a new one to me) whereby the extrovert in someone gets a lot from the external world but their nervous system is easily overstimulated (remember DOES from chapter 1?). there are some \helpful tips on supporting children who are described as “shy” – both for them and for others trying to get them out of their shell (more about the others’ needs than the child’s?) Certainly something I've been guilty of).

Chapter 6: The empath

“Learning to be with painful feelings, without trying to fix them, is so connecting for our relationships -especially for empaths. We need to understand that we can't talk them out of their feelings. The only way their emotions move is by giving them the space to be felt. It is only then we can begin thinking of ideas that may help ”

This chapter helps (worn out) parents understand their child's big feelings. Aoife talks about anger, getting suck in emotions and how important it is not to dismiss them, which can lead to a deep sense of confusion. She describes how her own deep-feeling nervous system has experienced an emotion so strongly that it takes time to lift and, when it hasn’t been seen and understood, it takes longer to process.

This was so helpful for understanding my son, who picks up on emotions so easily (he even knows when I'm getting my period before I do!).

Chapter 7: Criticism and being ‘good’

Criticism can feel so painful for highly sensitive children – even when it's meant as constructive feedback. Aoife talks about how important it is to validate their experiences, even if their reaction seems a bit extreme to us! She describes ways to help them find their voice and move forward when feeling criticised.

This chapter also talks about how highly sensitive children can get really upset about doing the right thing or feeling like they have disappointed you. I love her point that we may expect more from them as they are so emotionally in tune and articulate – but this can miss the point that they are driven mainly from their emotional brain with limited impulse control. She talks about boundaries and children who apologise too much (or too little!) as well as how to support them when they feel misunderstood.

Chapter 8: Navigating painful emotions

“Sadness can be a familiar emotion for a sensitive soul. Feeling the world deeply and noticing how painful life can be sometimes, and experiencing grief, loss, feeling excluded, rejection and being misunderstood can evoke feelings of sadness and loneliness.”

Its so hard when our children are experiencing deeply painful emotions and we feel a bit stuck as to what to do., this chapter talks about trust, grief, sibling relationships and feeling different, outlining ways you can support your child to make sense of their experiences and emotions – through their connected relationship with you.

Chapter 9: Understanding our strong-willed children

Aoife goes back to basics in this chapter, delightfully explaining why some of the traditional behavioural methods of parenting are a particularly bad fit with our more strong-willed children (as I have learnt through experience over the years!). she talks about the need to give children a sense of agency, control and flexibility and provides a lovely reactivity guide (screening list) to help us understand what our children may be communicating with us. Again, Aoife highlights the importance of co-regulation as well as understanding and managing our response. She also describes how repair is key – something I talk about a lot. Time in is outlined (as an alternative to time out…something that I’ve talked about before in previous posts).

Chapter 10: Sensory sensitivities

As psychologists (particularly those of us that trained 20 years ago!) we weren’t well versed in the importance of sensory profiles – but it is now so clear that our mind and body work together and that we need to be aware of both if we are going to support children’s emotional and behavioural development. This chapter outlines the different senses and how our bodies read our environment, which is hugely different for each and every one of us. She talks about both parents' and children’s sensory needs and how we can empower sensory-sensitive children.

Chapter 11: My wish for every parent

The last chapter of Aoife’s book is beautifully written, outlining what she wishes for parents. She talks about comparison traps, trusting yourself, asking for help, avoiding self-blame and bringing more fun and play into your (and your children’s) lives. I am always a bit biased to chapters about parents as we are so important if we are going to be the best parents we can be…and Aoife highlights this wonderfully here.

THE WAY OF PLAY – SOME SNIPPETS THAT I LIKE FROM TINA PAYNE-BRYSON AND GEORGIE WISEN-VINCENT’S BOOK

Sun, 08 Feb 2026 18:09:27 GMT

“Playing with our kids and really getting to know them is a little like scuba diving. From above the surface of the water, it’s hard to know what’s really happening down there under the waves. But when you take the plunge, you discover this whole other world: dynamic, real, fascinating, beautiful and full of life” (page 5)

Why is play important?

· Play is in children’s nature – it’s their first language and helps them learn with creativity, joy and connection

· It builds crucial skills and reduces unwanted behaviours. Children build confidence, resilience and self-understanding through play. And with this comes a reduction in fighting, rudeness and tantrums (a reduction not an extinction – these are all part and parcel of childhood!)

· It gives children appropriate ways to express and process their emotions and can be a powerful way to process what has happened and heal after difficult experiences.

· It can help us connect with our children and enjoy being with them. It helps us understand their inner world and delight in them, building their self-esteem

What if we don’t know how to play? (something I hear from lots of parents)

· If we struggle to play it’s not our fault – our brains grow and change since we were children.

· We have to relearn what it means to think and play like a child

· For those of us who haven’t had playful parents when we were growing up it may be harder – but it’s never too late to learn

What are the strategies that the authors talk about?

This is a very brief summary – it’s well worth reading the book for a full exploration with lovely illustrations, example and science behind the strategies.

· Think Out Loud

o Why? This helps children understand their thoughts, feelings, wishes, intentions and desires more. When we do this it helps them learn that others can understand them and help them understand themselves. We help children to pay attention to what is happening inside themselves so they can develop positive, conscious, international responses rather than the default reaction with no awareness!

o How? We do this by observing and narrating what we see in our children’s play, commenting on mental and emotional stages. We do this by observing and attuning, coming up with a hypothesis, saying it out loud (don’t worry if your guess is wrong – your child normally lets you know!)

· Make Yourself a Mirror

o Why: help children understand their emotional life and enhance their connection with and empathy for others.

o How do we help children exercise the empathy muscle? (love this term!). Observe and attune into what your child is feeling with your body, face and voice, activate your child’s mirror system and remember empathy is mainly conveyed non-verbally (as well as verbally)

· Bring Emotions to Life

o Why: help children recognise, manage and express feelings.

o How: observe and attune (as you may have noticed, we always start with this!) watching for emotional cues, act out your part adding emotions to your character (if your child invites you into their play) – alternatively, touch on emotions as the narrator of their play.

· Dial Intensity Up or Down (this feels more about general parenting that play)

o Why: this helps children regulate their emotions and actions when they are struggling and helps them learn that someone will be there for the when out of control.

o How:

Observe and attune – looking out for your child becoming dysregulated.

Chase the why (I love this phrase) – see if you can work out what their dysregulation may be about? Look beyond the behaviour (if you want to learn more about this read Mona Delahooke’s work – it’s brilliant!).

Dial the intensity up (through cooling things off ) or down (through starting low and going slow)

Regulate and repair

o Scaffold and Stretch:

Why? Help children learn resilience in the face of difficult situations and show them others can show up when things get hard.

How? This is about helping your child face something difficult in a low stakes way – through play. Firstly, observe and attune – to see if they may benefit from some support. Then offer scaffolding and stretching – it’s getting the balance right between not taking over when there’s a little struggle (my tendency!) and not letting them struggle so much they get stressed and don’t learn…

Narrate to Integrate

· Why? using stories (obviously my favourite thing!) to help children understand and deal with difficult situations.

· How? Observe and attune (did you guess that?!), oscillate (between different halves of the brain – use logic and emotions), integrate and elevate.

Set Playtime Parameters

Why: boundaries teach children how to make positive decisions and help them feel safer. Children need limits, connection, structure and nurture

How? Set some rules for play by taking care of yourself and of the space (try not to make it too chaotic!). Remember you are the pit crew not the race engineer (!). If you’ve had to set a limit then acknowledge the desire but keep the limit and offer alternatives. The authors set some good ideas for transition tips (as transition out of play can be HARD!).

Finally, Tina and Georgie end with the importance of being playful outside of the playroom. For those of you that have read my parenting handbook and know about my love about the PACE model you’ll have guessed that I was pleased to see this in!

Overall, a great read…well worth a delve

What is happening inside a young child's head? What every early years teacher should know.

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Sat, 15 May 2021 20:48:34 GMT

Little children can be so confusing (and confused!). Sometimes it’s hard to know what they need from you - a three-year-old demands that she wants her cheese in a big piece one day and then cries because it’s not cut up the next. She wants you to hold her hand to go to the toilet in the morning, but later gets cross when you try to do the same.

We’ve all been there, faced with the - sometimes baffling - behaviours of the small humans that surround us, wondering how to respond to their inconsistent requests.

Perhaps it’s reassuring to realise that these seemingly random behaviours are actually quite natural - stages through which each child progresses. In a bid to help you support your growing pre-schoolers more effectively, this blog talks about some of the things (there are many!) happening inside their heads and how you can support them with what’s going on.

What’s Happening Inside a Three-Year-Old’s Brain?

The first few years of life are a time of rapid development. And in fact, the first five years are considered to be the most critical in terms of brain development, shaping a child’s future health and happiness.

As I explain in my Parenting Handbook , “Babies are born relying upon the lower part of their brain, which houses their survival system. This means that they don’t have the tools to make sense of their environment and can only show basic responses like crying to express discomfort and thereby get their needs met. Children then start to develop the higher parts of their brain, which are responsible for making sense of their world, and developing some control over how they manage it.”

This can, of course, take time and does not happen in isolation. A child needs input and support from those around them to begin to make healthy connections within the brain.

In their renowned book, The Whole Brain Child, Dr Dan Siegal and Dr Tina Bryson talk about new science that explores how children’s brains are wired and how they mature. In it they discuss the idea of the downstairs brain and the upstairs brain, where the downstairs is primitive and reactive whereas the upstairs is both sophisticated and analytical.

It’s only through time, repetition, and practice that little ones can learn how to rationalise and manage their behaviours and emotions and to take their thoughts and feelings ‘upstairs’. We know that the more we practice things, pathways in the brain are strengthened. But when we don’t they are “pruned”. The brain really does require support to forge healthy connections and grow - we need to “use it or lose it”..

They Have Quite a Lot Going On!

Think about the wealth of different skills your class is developing and you’ll begin to get an idea of the huge range of learning that is going on at this age. From working on relationships and navigating new friendships, to learning to be empathetic, developing a sense of right and wrong and understanding the importance of sharing and taking turns when playing games. They may start to be able to pay attention and concentrate on tasks for longer periods of time, will follow simple rules, and will begin to recognise at a basic level the relationship between action and consequence.

Alongside all of this, other cognitive skills will be developing too. They’ll be learning to count, to recognise and recall the names of things as well as growing their vocabulary at an exponential rate.

They’ll also be barraged with a range of thoughts and “big” feelings that they are barely equipped to deal with and which they probably don’t understand very well. They’re facing separation from parents and only just starting to understand that words can be used instead of actions in response to frustrations and upset. It makes me feel overwhelmed just thinking about what little ones are contending with (my brain certainly couldn’t keep up!).

At this age, while the necessary skills are being learned, it takes time and repetition to be able to put them into practice. And until then, something that appears to be mastered one day may be forgotten the next; big emotions, hunger, tiredness or difficult relationships may threaten to cause overwhelm and seemingly derail any progress made.

Some Ideas for Early Years Settings

Focus on Relationships

Development and speed of accomplishment of these important skills will depend very much on the experiences children have at home.

What I find fascinating is how key a parent’s response is in shaping a children’s brain development: with consistent and responsive parenting, children develop more healthy connections to the higher, thinking and reasoning parts of their brain. Using these parts of the brain allows children to start to understand and manage their feelings and behaviour.

We must offer a mix of support that allows for social development, cognitive development, communication and language as well as emotional and physical development. But how can we be sure to offer this support in the most effective way?

Perhaps the most fundamental point is that children learn better when they feel they are in a safe and trusting relationship. They need repetition, reminders and patience from the adults around them, despite any frustrations we may feel about the fact they seem to have picked up a new skill and then forgotten it again.

We must expect that there will be successes and failures as they practise new skills and we should offer praise as they begin to remember and master these healthy behaviours. Like any of us there will be good days and bad days.

Ultimately children depend on safe relationships, learning through those around them. If their interactions with caregivers are calm, predictable, clear and available, this puts them in a much better position to develop those valuable skills of emotional regulation. But they need you to co-regulate their feelings first (see previous blog for more information about this).

If you can take a PACE approach children are likely to feel safe and supported with you. This is a model developed by Dan Hughes. When caregivers are Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathetic children are much more likely to develop secure attachment relationships, and all the benefits that come from this. Have a look at my previous blogs which outline the PACE model in more detail.

Foster Relationships with Parents as well as Children

If you feel children are not receiving the same support at home as they are in the early years setting, it can be difficult to open-up the conversation with parents or guardians, but this is something that is worth broaching. Parents want the best for their children but don’t always have the experience, knowledge and skills that early years staff have.

Talk to parents about the kinds of strategies you’d like to put in place in the preschool/school and whether these are things that might work at home. Perhaps point them in the direction of my Parenting Handbook to help them understand about emotional and behavioural development in young children. Or perhaps you might find tips that are worth sharing with parents through your nursery newsletter or via social media if you feel bite-sized chunks of information are likely to be better received. I’m often posting little tit-bits on my Social Media so do follow and point parents towards my accounts too.

Help Children Understand Their Feelings and Behaviours

Play, play, play and play! Children learn so much through play. Introduce dilemmas, character’s feelings and behaviours when you are playing with children - be led by them but also scaffold their play. This can really help them understand their own feelings as well as expectations around behaviours.

Stories which directly support children with their emotional and behavioural development are also helpful. For example, the first two interactive Bartley’s Books focus upon separation anxiety and tricky behaviours, offering children a platform to make sense of their feelings with the help of a supportive adult. There are more books coming out soon - these help children in the areas of healthy eating, bedtime routines, potty training and the arrival of a new sibling. Watch this space!

Feed the Mind

I love the Healthy Mind Platter as described by Dr Dan Siegal. In it he talks about a neuroscience view of what the brain needs for optimum development - relevant both to children but also throughout adulthood. He explains that we need seven elements, daily, to keep our brain healthy and sharp and to build connections.

These activities include sleep time, something that is particularly important in childhood and adolescence, physical movement time and down time. As well as focus time on an individual project that fosters a feeling of accomplishment, play time to help the brain create new combinations by expanding behaviour beyond the familiar, time ‘in’ reflecting on our inner sensations and connecting time allowing us to give back to others or to the planet.

These activities done regularly and in combination will help our brains to develop long-lasting connections. The Healthy Mind Platter highlights the importance of play and physical movement in our children as well as focussed spells of attention, opportunities for accomplishment, and down time.

Consider how you could introduce a range of these ideas into your days with the children. From physical activity such as music and movement to mindfulness, yoga or children’s meditation, examples of which are freely available on YouTube.

Focus on Social and Emotional learning and the rest will come...

There is so much research to say that the better able we are to manage socially and emotionally, the more able we are to manage everything else that life throws at us. I know I’m a psychologist and I may be a bit biased but I strongly believe that supporting children to develop secure relationships and emotional regulation should be the main (only?) priority of early years settings. After all, when we are feeling anxious or disconnected from others’ its so much harder to explore the world with curiosity and learn.

There’s so much we can be doing for our own little ones, whether that’s through supporting parents or within a classroom setting to improve their chances of a happy, healthy and satisfying future.

For those of you working in early years I hope you realise how important you are in shaping children’s futures. They way you, as a profession, have shown your commitment to young children in your care over the pandemic has been inspirational. Thank you!

The Importance of Storytelling

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Sat, 01 May 2021 20:01:50 GMT

The importance of storytelling for preschool children - why it’s not just about keeping them entertained

What was your favourite story when you were growing up?

Was it a traditional fairy tale like Cinderella? Was it a popular picture book like The Very Hungry Caterpillar or The Gruffalo? Or was it a great adventure story like CS Lewis’ Narnia series or JK Rowling’s Harry Potter? Mine was Dogger by Shirley Hughes. Funny that the first book I wrote was about separation anxiety!

For many of us, sharing and reading books was an important part of childhood, even more so before the advent of distracting screens and 24/7 streaming. I have fond memories of curling up in bed, half asleep, as my mum or dad read to me complete with silly voices and giggles aplenty.

It's not just books though - you can make your own stories up too. I tell my little one a story about “Grizzly Bear with the Curly Hair” every night. It’s evolved to be a lovely family tradition, with my older children sometimes coming to join in. This is a wonderful way to stimulate both mine and my children’s imagination and what I most love about it is how the narrative is co-constructed – I am no longer allowed to be the sole story-teller, my son has to be part of it too!

A 2018 research study found that nowadays only 30% of parents read to their children daily and I can’t help feeling that’s a bit sad. Especially given the many benefits of sharing story time go far beyond pure entertainment.

How do stories support childhood development?

Think about your favourite story, the one that came to mind above. How did it make you feel? Was there anything to learn from it? Did it make you behave or think in a different way? Books serve many purposes, and what we take from them can be an individual thing. Shared together, they offer a window into different worlds, different characters and different situations that can be explored together.

Children can gain a lot from story time, not least that sense of bonding and closeness when a story is shared and enjoyed one on one. Reading aloud together can help to develop a more secure attachment relationship (see our blog all about attachment ) between child and carer, aid brain development and improving emotional and social skills.

And there are plenty of other benefits too:

Stories help young children develop their own sense of self as well as an understanding of the world around them.
They can help pre-schoolers to begin to make sense of their own and other people’s thoughts and feelings as well as help them to understand the rules and behaviours that might be expected of them in different settings.
Stories that start with a challenge that is later resolved can be helpful in developing longer-term problem-solving skills.
Stories help pre-schoolers begin to put words around their play, learning how to tell their own stories, often with delightful enthusiasm.
Simple stories with rhymes, songs and repetition can help children become familiar with language patterns and begin to recognise parts of the story and recite alongside an adult.
Reading stories improves language and vocabulary and can encourage a love of reading in later life.
Stories help in the development of imagination, creative thinking and self-confidence.
A familiar book and beloved characters can feel comforting to a small child (or an adult come to that) in times of change and uncertainty.
Stories about difficult topics can provide an opening for adults to discuss tricky behaviours or emotions. For example, the loss of a close relative or breakdown of the family group.
Sharing a story can create a wonderful break in the chaos of the day, a time for calm and contemplation.

A fair few benefits then! And it’s not just children who like stories, it’s something we all turn to for comfort, containment and escapism.

How to use storytelling in a classroom setting

There are many ways to introduce the powers of storytelling into the early years setting.

Even the simple act of sharing a picture book with the class will give you opportunities to talk about the story, explore their understanding of what’s happening, to discuss emotions, thoughts and feelings. How do you think the Gruffalo’s Child is feeling? What would your Mummy say if a Tiger came to tea? Studies have shown that asking children to label and explain the feelings of the characters in the story helps them learn a variety of emotions.

Books can be used too to support tricky situations or transitions. If a child is getting ready to welcome a new sibling into the family or preparing to head off to school, reading picture books about the experience can help them to make sense of their emotions around it and give them a frame of reference to understand what is likely to happen. It can also open up the opportunity for them to share how they feel about it.

The same goes for behaviours. Books can offer a great jumping off point to talk about the types of behaviour that are appropriate in any situation. They can explore why we may sometimes struggle to get this right even though we know what’s expected.

And this is exactly why I wrote my Bartley Bear books. They are designed to explore feelings such as separation anxiety in Please Stay Here – I Want You Near, and tricky behaviours in Stop That Now - I Don’t Know How. They help children and their carers to talk about how they’re feeling, with helpful ‘Nudges’ (asked by a curious squirrel – Nudge) to get the conversation started.

I thought it would be useful to increase opportunities for children to reflect upon their own experiences by including these lift-the-flaps. This helps little ones consider not just Bartley’s experiences, but also their own – encouraging them to think about, and tell, their own story through a picture book about a little bear. There is lots of evidence that talking about your experiences helps you understand and manage them, and doing this through a fun and engaging story can take away the defensiveness that sometimes comes with talking about tricky experiences. Watch this space for the next in the series – about bedtime routines, potty training, healthy eating and the arrival of a new sibling.

We can also use stories as learning tools to help with language development, to increase vocabulary and to begin to understand the rhythm and sounds of words. Acting out characters in silly voices or inviting children to role play parts of the story can help to get their imaginations fired up. You’ll be surprised what different narratives they come up with.

And of course, any number of art projects, junk building projects or science experiments can be inspired by the pages of a favourite book. By immersing children in stories we are not only demonstrating the importance of books and reading in general, but helping to support good emotional and social development during the most vital years for brain development.

Encouraging storytelling at home

I believe it’s important for an Early Years teacher or carer to encourage the use of books at home too. Try to help parents understand the benefits of reading and the positive effects it can have on their children’s development as well as their behaviour. Books can even act as a wonderful part of a relaxing bedtime routine to get a child ready for a good night’s sleep (as is shown in my forthcoming book Time for Bed – Rest Your Head).

Check in with parents at the end of the day and encourage your pre-schoolers to show them the books they’ve read, include age-appropriate book lists in your nursery newsletter, or even invite nervous parents to your preschool storytime so they can see how much their child enjoys it.

Show them it’s about more than reading. To help children get the most from the experience, they should be talking about the characters and their feelings and emotions. Perhaps even acting or role-playing various parts and to make sure the story is brought to life in a memorable way.

But what if the parents are not big readers or there are no books in the home? Perhaps you could organise a lending scheme, letting little ones choose a favourite book to take home and share with family or friends once a week. Or look for other online resources that may be more in keeping with the family. YouTube book readings for instance, or Cbeebies bedtime stories (try to make sure that the parent watches this with their little one to make it more interactive).

Anything you can do to encourage reading at home as well as under your care will help to give your young charges the best start possible in life.

Guilt and shame (why they aren't the same)

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 07:20:31 GMT

I thought I’d do a post on guilt and shame, feelings which are often used interchangeably but, from my understanding are pretty different.

A quick whizz through some child development
When we are little, particularly when we start testing the boundaries during toddlerhood, parents need to intervene to keep children safe. For those of you with little ones the word “NO” probably comes out more than you would like it to!

This is a normal part of development – children exploring without an understanding of risks, and needing adult involvement to know when to stop.

When a child is asked to stop doing something, which was most probably led by curiosity (can I touch that hot thing in the fire place?!), they are likely to experience shame. It’s not a nice feeling but is quickly regulated when a parent explains their motive and repairs the rupture in the relationship.

“I’m sorry that I raised my voice, I know you were just exploring but it’s dangerous to touch fires” and so on. This gives the message that the parent is still there for the child and that they are accepted for who they are. The parent is showing them that their behaviour not OK, but that they are.

This sort of parenting, when reasonably consistent, leads to a child feeling guilt rather than shame. “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that, how can I make amends?” (obviously not so clearly thought out for little ones but you get the gist).
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Guilt, whilst not the nicest of feelings, is tolerable and actually helpful. It helps us learn about pro-social behaviour and develop remorse. We feel safe enough to say sorry, we know that we are loved regardless of our behaviour, we can learn from what we have done. Pretty important really when it comes to navigating friendships and life in general.

Difficulties arise when, in the same situation, a parent does not repair that rupture. The child’s shame is not regulated. They don’t have someone telling them that they are still loved, despite their behaviour needing to stop. The shame stays without anyone to help them with it. Children can start to couple having boundaries put in with them (not their behaviour) being bad. The more this happens, the more “toxic” shame builds up. Sadly, this is something I see very often in the children I work with (those who have experienced early adversity) but something that their amazing adoptive parents are supporting them with beautifully.

Shame is an almost intolerable emotion which we do all we can to get away from. It actually comes from an Indo-European word meaning to hide. It is a feeling that I am worthless, unlovable or bad. Shame feels very threatening and we become quite self-focused. Not surprisingly, children develop ways of coping with this shame – they build a “shield of shame” (minimising, denying, blaming others, becoming extremely angry) and find it harder to accept that their behaviour was unhelpful and learn to make changes or consider others points of view.

So, to summarise …(it’s a longer post than I anticipated, rather free-styling here!)

Shame is an emotion that develops in toddlers at the same time as parents are starting to provide boundaries and discipline.
The process of shame is part of the process of teaching children acceptable behaviour.
This is done through attunement – break – repair sequences.
The attunement-break-repair exercise is an important part of parenting; the child needs to experience unconditional care whilst having limits put on behaviour.
This allows the child to regulate shame, and then to experience guilt. Guilt is a more positive emotion in that it is other-focused. The child feels remorse and wants to make amends.

What about us?

We get it wrong as parents lots of the time! You will miss ruptures, you won’t always repair, and your attunement won’t always be spot on. That’s good enough! And remember, all children will, at times, get very angry and defensive – it’s not always a sign of shame.

It’s OK to feel a bit guilty. In fact, it’s probably quite helpful sometimes. For example, when I have noticed that things have gone a bit wonky in my parenting, I have made changes. I can only do this when I feel safe enough to reflect on the parenting mistakes I am making.

And this is only possible if I can say to myself (and believe what I am saying) “oops, I could have done that differently, I’ll try to do so next time, I’ve got too much on and am doing my best but it would be easier for all of us if I was a bit less shouty, note to self”. This feels much better that telling myself “I really am a crap mum and rubbish person, my children don’t like me and I just can’t get it right ever, what’s the point?”

For more information on the difference between shame and guilt see the wonderful Brene Brown and Oprah - Guilt and Shame - Bing video .

Believe me, I still do both at times, some of the things I call myself are horrible! Our self-critical voice can be ridiculously powerful but moving from shame to guilt can be really helpful, both for our children and for us. Be kind to yourselves as well as your children.

Sarah x

Are Early Years staff attachment figures for preschool children?

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 21:02:34 GMT

As a newborn, we look to our parents for everything. To feed us, to comfort us and to protect us. If they give us this safety and security, a healthy emotional bond develops. Research shows that this attachment relationship is a crucial building block of a child’s development, helping them to grow socially, emotionally, behaviourally and intellectually.

But what happens when children begin to spend time with other caregivers, outside of the home and away from their parents? Do they develop similar relationships with the nursery staff, childminders or pre-school teachers that look after them? And what does this mean for you if you’re working in Early Years?

Attachment is recognised as extremely important within parenting literature. It’s well known that from around 6 months, babies tend to show a preference for their primary caregiver. If that parent is predictable, nurturing and responds sensitively to their child’s needs, a secure bond will develop helping them to feel loved and cared for and giving them a positive message about themselves and future relationships. See our previous blog to read more about attachment.

There’s a growing understanding about the importance of a secure attachment and the impact its absence can have on the life chances of a child. Indeed, evidence shows that children and young people who have had insecure attachments are more likely to struggle in terms of their social, emotional and behavioural development.

Toddlers and pre-schoolers learn to navigate the world through exploration and curiosity. In order to feel secure enough to do this, however, they need to feel they have a safe base to return to, a reliable caregiver who will reassure them that everything is OK. When enjoying new experiences and discovering new places a little one will often return again and again to this ‘safe haven’ to recharge between adventures.

This animation, the Circle of Security , perfectly explains this innate need, showing how children need us to allow them the space to explore with our support, knowing that when they come back to us we will welcome them and help them to manage their thoughts and feelings with kindness and empathy.

Relationships with others are also positively influenced by a secure attachment. Little ones who feel secure in their attachment will expect other relationships to also be enjoyable and reciprocal. This is because they form an "internal working model" based upon their experiences with their caregivers, which acts as a template to predict how they see themselves, others and the world around them.

Secure attachment relationships have been shown to literally shape the way the brain develops, helping children cope with feelings, relate to others and learn how to self-regulate their emotions. Without responsive parenting throughout the early years, children can get stuck with difficult feelings, not knowing how to manage them and leading to poorer social and emotional outcomes in later life.

We are currently seeing a huge movement to support vulnerable children, or those whose attachment needs remain unmet, in schools around the UK. Recognising the importance of this, Academics at Bath Spa University have set up a wonderful Attachment Awareness and Emotion Coaching project working to promote well-being and positive learning outcomes for school-aged children who are struggling.

As Early Years professionals we do have the opportunity to help. As very young children enter the childcare setting, EY teachers naturally earn the position of ‘substitute parent’ when little ones find themselves away from their primary caregiver for the first time. And very often we will begin to form an attachment with those in our care, making us an extremely important influence in their early lives. Something that should be treated as both an honour and a huge responsibility.

I was thrilled the other day when my son went to pre-school, somewhere he generally feels safe at but which has wobbled him recently due to changes (new staff and new teachers). He left my side when I said goodbye and went straight to his key-worker, checking out the new member of staff whilst using his key worker as his safety net (he wouldn’t let her go and she was tuned in to his needs and let him stay close). I left knowing that he was in safe hands and able to use her as a secure base. This wasn’t only good for his emotional wellbeing but mine too!

Guidelines in the EYFS have changed the phrase ‘key worker’ to ‘key person’ in order to focus on the nature of the relationship between carer and child. But fostering an attachment relationship in an EY setting, naturally requires an intimate relationship with someone else’s little one. This can feel complicated and difficult to some. But should it?

In fact, research suggests there are benefits to forming a close bond with adults other than parents. It’s been found that children seem to do best when they have at least three adults who consistently demonstrate that they love and care about them. It’s been theorised that spending close one-on-one time with a variety of caregivers can help little ones practise reading facial expressions and begin to make sense of the differences between people.

It’s been proven that the loving relationships that under-threes have with their carers are the key predictor of social emotional development as well as physical health. But brain development happens around the clock, not only when children are with their parents. It’s vital they experience these secure, protective relationships at all times. And perhaps, arguably the most important time to focus on forming a strong relationship with a child is when you have a concern that attachment isn’t happening properly at home.

But there are challenges too to achieving attachment with all children in a nursery setting. All sorts of complex emotions come into play when we think of our child becoming attached to a non-parental caregiver, one who is not such a long-term fixture in their life. What will happen when the EY teacher moves on to a different job, or takes time off? Will the child struggle to adjust and will other carers be left to deal with the consequences? How can this be managed when the ratio of staff to children is high? And what if parents are not comfortable with their children forming a close bond with another adult?

These are all questions to ask yourself and colleagues, perhaps with the knowledge that children experiencing you as a secure base can only be a good thing and that, if you do leave that you make sure there is another containing and supportive adult by their side. They will internalise their experiences with you and you will build their template of relationships as being safe and supportive.

It’s vital that children get the right quality of relationship to nurture them and allow them to grow and thrive. When they’re not at home with their parents, or if they’re not getting what they need from that home environment, then a pseudo-parent in the form of an EY teacher or caregiver should be able to go some way to providing that vital developmental required. No, it won’t solve the difficulties in their attachment relationship at home, and many of the dynamics may be played out in the early years setting. But, it will provide them with another model of templates to learn from.

Those first 5 years of a child’s live have been found to be so important that it’s crucial we, as caregivers, do everything in our power to get this right. Not acting as a surrogate parent, but rather building a professional relationship that complements the parent-child relationship and upholds the rights of the child as the central point of reference.

If you’re working in early years, there are plenty of ways you can use your role to support the children in your care to develop secure attachment. I list a few below:

· When trying to develop a secure bond with a young child, I often suggest the PACE model (see previous blog about PACE) as an approach. Ensuring playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy in all your interactions can help the child feel understood and more connected to you.

· If you feel things aren’t right in terms of attachment at home don’t be afraid to explore this with a parent or carer. You are also there to support them, and many times they will be grateful for advice from someone who knows their child well. You could suggest resources such as my Parenting Handbook to help explain the concept of attachment and offer tips and advice to improve parenting skills at home. But don’t forget, if you have significant concerns you need to report them using the latest safeguarding protocols.

It’s also helpful to remember that, when a little one associates you with safety that they may be a bit wobbled when you are not there (yes, you need a break too!). Although we advocate a key person it can also useful for each child to get used to being looked after by more than one carer. If you know you have a close bond with a particular child and you won’t be in the next time they are there, prepare them by explaining to them that you will be away but you’ll see them the next time and they will be safe and looked after by someone else. You may even wish to notify the parent so they can help prepare the child for their arrival during the next session.

If you want to go the extra mile (in my experience this is what EY professionals do on a daily basis!) you can also let children know you are holding them in mind if they aren’t at pre-school. For example, if they can’t come in because they’re unwell or needing to isolate, why not send a video or a picture to let them know you are thinking about them and looking forward to seeing them again. My son’s preschool has already prepared activities for me to do with him this afternoon, celebrating his father’s cultural identity. This thoughtfulness not only strengthens the positive connection between home and school but shows my son that his teachers are interested in him as a person. It also means I don’t have to prepare anything for my mummy afternoon. Win win!

We cannot ignore the crucial role that consistent, loving care plays in brain development of a preschool aged child. We must focus on supporting children's relational needs in early years settings, as well as encouraging parents to focus on this in the home, because the consequences of not doing so could leave a lifelong impact. I know that this sounds like a huge amount of pressure in your already busy jobs, not least because you don’t just have one child to care for! However, secure relationships are the stepping stones of learning. It also makes your job more fun when you have less tricky behaviour to manage and more enjoyable reciprocal relationships.

Thanks to all Early Years professionals who have worked so hard, particularly in these times of adversity, to remain consistent and nurturing figures for our little ones. You’re support is likely to act as a buffer to the negative impact of the pandemic on children and for that we, as parents, and children will be mightily grateful!

Smooth settling in - a guide for professionals - how to support little ones with separation anxiety

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Wed, 24 Feb 2021 21:07:13 GMT

If you work in an early years setting, you’ll be quite familiar with the scene. You’re welcoming the children and getting them settled at the start of the day, checking in with them and showing them what activities you have planned. Suddenly, you hear shouting and crying as a stressed-looking mum tries to detach her small child from her leg. You feel for her, you really do; this child regularly clings to her on arrival - the anxiety is palpable.

It’s distressing for everyone involved. For Mum, for the child, for the other children who are already in the room, and not least for you. You know from experience that they will settle down and be OK, but that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. And you know, too, that poor Mum has headed off to work feeling guilty and upset, so it’s unsurprising when she phones 15 minutes later seeking reassurance from you.

These experience are likely to be more pronounced at the moment, with children having fewer, if any, opportunities to practice separating from their parents, with collective anxiety at a huge level and with normal settling in sessions, with parents in the room, being unavailable.

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a normal part of growing up, commonly starting around the age of 6 months and often still present at 3 years. It usually shows that a child feels safe with their parents and would prefer to be with them. This is normally the sign that a healthy relationship has formed but can feel very difficult to manage, particularly when you are the one responsible for prising the child off their parent - which may make you feel like you are contributing to their stress.

As a toddler’s brain develops, they start to learn that they are dependent on their parent or caregiver. They rely on them to act as a safety net while they begin to develop independence and explore the world. But unfortunately, children take a while to learn that each time their parent goes away, they will come back. Until this is understood, or they have learned that they can trust you to take up the ‘safety’ mantle, they will unsurprisingly feel unsettled.

While this may be a regular stage of development, it can still make things a little tricky when it comes time to attend nursery, pre-school and the like. So how can you, as an early years practitioner, make the transition easier for all involved?

How can we manage separation anxiety in a childcare setting?

Working with children in their early years, you have an important role to play in helping to manage the distress felt by both the child and the parent facing this situation. And a great place to start is simply by reassuring them that separation anxiety is entirely normal, and by helping the child to understand what they’re feeling.

Remember you are the professional, you have the qualifications and the experience, and you know your stuff. Parents will value your judgement about how best to deal with this. Particularly if it’s not something they’ve come up against before.

First, it’s important to be aware of the factors that can increase separation anxiety, so you can begin to understand and even preempt when a child may begin to feel upset. Gently ask questions of parents about any changes that might be going on at home.

Also take note of variations in your own childcare setting. Have things been moved around? Are there new staff or visitors in the room? Anything that feels unfamiliar may cause an anxious child to feel less safe and reach out for reassurance.

Changes of routine, too, can impact a child’s emotions and increase their need for parental support. This could be something as simple as transitioning back to childcare after a holiday, a period where bedtimes have not been consistent, or even the arrival of a sibling.

It’s not just about the child…

Of course, when we train to work with young children, we may not realise that it can be just as - if not more - important to work with and support the parents too. They also need helping to manage their anxieties (alongside those of the child). It’s an important part of helping each child to settle in and thrive. In fact, it is often the relationship you build with the parent that goes a long way to helping a child to settle well. If they observe you getting along and ‘connecting’, a little one is much more likely to begin to trust you (as their ‘safe base’) to help them manage their feelings too.

It’s hard to manage separation anxiety being shown by one child when you have other children to focus on. Don’t be afraid to talk about what’s going on and explain why one of the children is feeling a bit sad. It’s fine to say to everyone that Johnny is finding it hard to leave his Mum, but that you are going to help him learn that he will be OK without her. This will not only help the child to feel validated and begin voicing their feelings, but will help others understand and build empathy in the wider group. My 3 year old certainly takes great pleasure in helping other children come into pre-school when they are struggling. He shows them things they can play with together and tells them they will be OK. Sometimes your little army of children can be a great support.

Try to stay close to the distressed child but check in with the others. Don’t expect that the child will be able to calm down alone - they need you to help soothe them (known as co-regulation - you can find out more about this in a previous blog .

And remember, in any difficult situation your first step should always be to manage your own emotions. Only then can you support both the child and the parent in the best way.

Practical tips for supporting families who are struggling with separation anxiety

If you are working with a child who finds it particularly difficult to separate from their primary caregiver, there are lots of things you can do to help ease the drop-off experience. Try some of these for starters:

Make it clear that what is happening is normal. Validate the feelings of the child and encourage the parent to keep repeating the fact that they will come back. Once the parent has gone, continue to reiterate this to the child and then use the same words again when the parent reappears later. This will help to reinforce the idea that while Mum or Dad may be gone, they will come back as they always have before.

Encourage parents to talk to children about what to expect. If a child can picture the place they’re going to, if they know what their routine will look like and the rules they’ll be expected to follow, things will seem a lot less scary.
Recommend that parents introduce a transitional object. Something that reminds the child of them. Perhaps mum and daughter could wear matching hair clips, or a little heart could be drawn on the parent and child’s hand.
Offer a call-in service to help you build trust with parents. Suggest they ring half an hour after they’ve left. And in the meantime, reassure them that you will call if there is a problem. This will help to contain anxieties by giving parents a timeline and putting their mind at rest.
Take the lead. When it comes to separation anxiety, prolonging goodbyes benefits no one. So take the lead and be firm but fair. Try confidently stating, “Mummy is going to go to work, you are going to come with me now. I know it is hard and you are going to miss mummy. Mummy will miss you too, but she will be back later.” This will help Mum to feel you have things under control and importantly offers empathy to the child.
Recommend talking about bodily feelings. Suggest that the parent introduce physical ways to help their child feel calmer. Walking or skipping to school instead of driving, for example, or taking 5 minutes in the morning to do some stretches together. Even a few breathing exercises or a sing-along to a favourite song in the car might help reset the emotional thermostat.
Support children to increase their independence gradually. Encourage parents to introduce little pockets of time where they are out of sight, to help little ones learn that they will always come back. Depending on COVID-19 restrictions, this could be at Grandma’s or on a playdate or even as part of nursery or childminder settling in sessions.

Suggest parents use stories to talk to their children about their feelings. Sitting down to share a beautiful picture book can be a great way to explore emotions and the language around them. My Bartley Bear book, Please Stay Here – I Want You Near , is designed to help parents and children understand separation anxiety, the feelings they are experiencing and to facilitate a conversation around the topic. And it works perfectly for circle time in a nursery / early years setting too.

Remember, emotions are contagious. While separation anxiety can be hard to watch and manage, if you can stay calm, you have a far greater chance of helping the children in your care - and their parents - stay calm too.

For further reading have a look at my parenting handbook . This draws on my experience as a child psychologist, with loads of straightforward information about dealing with a range of tricky topics, as well as top tips for managing separation anxiety in particular.

You, as a childcare expert, may find this useful for building your knowledge of attachment theory and emotional and behavioural development in the early years and give you practical tips to manage everyday challenges. It’s short and sweet meaning both you, and parents, should be able to get through it without it adding to that pile of reading you mean to do!

I remember my little one having lots of separation anxiety when he first started pre-school. The way I coped was by trusting the pre-school to handle it sensitively. He now thrives there (I think he thinks he is one of the teachers!) So thank you to all of you for helping children understand and cope with their feelings and for supporting parents to do the same.

For the perfect way to support and facilitate a conversation about separation anxiety with a child and their parents, you’ll find the first in the series of Bartley’s Books, Please Stay Here – I Want You Near available on Amazon or in our shop . You can also download a free guide to helping school starters manage the transition to big school here .

Attachment explained – what it is, why is it important and how you help your child to become more secure

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Wed, 10 Feb 2021 21:42:40 GMT

“Attachment is as central to the developing child as eating and breathing”. (Robert Shaw)

Where do I start? Attachment is a HUGE topic, with decades of research highlighting how important it is to a child’s development. But do you know what an attachment relationship actually is? And why it’s so important? Do you know what helps children develop more secure attachment relationships? With different approaches and a number of terms banded around it can feel so confusing.

This blog addresses these questions and focuses upon ways that parents and educational settings can put attachment theory into practice. It is based upon my experience as a Clinical Psychologist. For over 15 years I have been drawing upon attachment theory to inform my work with parents and children.

I’ve tried to ensure that my suggestions are user-friendly. As a mum of three I have learnt that theory does not always feel that easy to translate into practice. We can feel pressured to get it right all of the time (apologies to the clients I worked with before having my own children!). The beauty of attachment theory is that we don’t have to be perfect. Just good enough.

As with anything scientific there can be a lot of jargon – I have put the key words in italics and tried to write with minimal psychobabble. I do hope you enjoy it!

What is attachment (in a nutshell)?

Attachment theory was developed by Psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1930s.

Depending on the experiences a child has with their parents, and other important adults in their life, they develop certain ways to respond to others and view themselves and the world. Shaped by their experiences of being parented, children develop an internal working model, a template of how they see themselves and the world which is. It’s quite clever really – humans learn to behave in the way that will help maximise their chances of getting their needs met.

How do different types of parenting relate to different attachment patterns?

Research has shown that there are four different patterns of emotional expression and behaviour that children develop according to the parenting they receive. These come out when they are under stress, being shown through how they use their parent to help them cope with this.

Secure attachment

Around 60% of us develop a secure attachment . This is when children experience their parents as predictable, nurturing and available. Children learn that they are loved, noticed and understood.

Children develop secure attachment relationships when their parent is in tune with them. When they notice how they are feeling and behaving and help them make sense of this (known in the trade as attunement ).

Insecure-ambivalent attachment

We also talk about insecure attachment relationships. These develop when a parent is less in tune with their child’s needs. If a parent is inconsistent – sometimes available and sometimes not – they are more likely to develop ambivalent attachment relationships. Children learn that they are more likely to get their needs met if they stay close to their parent and can become clingy and find it hard to be independent. They are often led by their feelings and have a fear of separation.

Insecure-avoidant attachment

Children who have parents who are rarely available, or are punishing and neglectful, can learn to suppress their feelings and not ask for help when they need it. They develop avoidant attachment relationships. They are often too independent, scared of being rejected and led more by their thoughts rather than feelings.

Disorganised attachment

When children are exposed to very frightening care-giving they can develop disorganised attachment relationships. This is what I often see in my clinical work, with children who have suffered early trauma. Sadly, this leaves a child consistently unsure of how their parent will respond – they don’t know what to do as their supposed source of comfort is actually a source of fear.

Don’t panic!

At this stage you may be panicking – asking yourself if your child is secure enough, berating yourself for not being available as much as you could have. Try to remember that secure attachment relationships may be what we aspire to, but they are not actually that normal! Please try not to worry - nearly half of us lean towards insecure attachment relationships - they are adaptive ways to fit with the parenting that we have experienced.

We all have strengths and struggles .

Of my three children one has a tendency towards avoidance, the other ambivalence and the other security…and that’s OK! When I think about it it’s pretty obvious how my parenting has led to them coping in different ways. We need to notice our foibles (as well as those of our children) and think about what changes we might need to focus on.

Focus on being good enough, not perfect.

The other thing to remember is that no one is available and nurturing all the time – it’s not humanly possible. A recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order to develop secure attachment relationships (Woodhouse et al., 2019). Try not to worry too much if you feel like you are getting it wrong more than you would like to.

Remember some behaviour is developmentally normal (and not a sign of insecure attachment).

For those of you with little ones you may also be thinking about your toddler’s behaviour – they may have become very clingy or overly independent (or oscillate between the two). This is normal! They are starting to explore the big wide world, wanting to do things on their own, but not always being able to do so. Meltdowns, separation anxiety and having to put on their own shoes are all par for the course, however frustrating!

Why is attachment important?

The benefits of developing a secure attachment are multitude - when we are safe in our relationships the world feels more exciting and less frightening. We can be vulnerable and know that others can help us, we can be curious and find joy more easily.

Our internal working models are shaped into believing we are worthy and loveable and that we can influence others. We approach the world accordingly. When things get too much, we know that we have a “safe base” to return to for help (have a look into the circle of security if you want to know more - https://vimeo.com/circleofsecurity).

Just through picturing your child’s last tantrum you will well know that, when we are little, we struggle to control our feelings and behaviour on our own (known as self-regulation ). However, through co-regulation (where an adult helps a child learn what they are feeling and manage their feelings before they can do it for themselves) this happens more quickly. Not surprisingly, it is through secure attachment relationships that co-regulation works best. See our previous blog on co-regulation.

And if that wasn’t enough, there is evidence that secure attachment results in optimal brain development, the development of self-awareness and empathy, better friendships, more engagement and success in learning and better problem solving…the list goes on!

How can you help your child become more securely attached?

There are lots of ways that you can help your child become more securely attached to you - it’s never too late!

Reflect on your own parenting

Just like our children, we also have internal working models that are established early on and have developed from our experiences of being parented. These come out to play (often unconsciously) in our own parenting behaviour. Interestingly the most significant predictor of a child developing a secure attachment is their parents’ ability to mentalise (the ability to understand our own, and others, minds).

The first thing to do is think about yourself, ask yourself the following:

· Where do your strengths and vulnerabilities lie as a parent?

· Do you tend to dismiss emotions?

· Are you somewhat inconsistent in your parenting?

· What did you learn from your parents? How did they support you to feel safe and learn to manage your feelings and behaviours?

· Are you more driven by feelings or thoughts?

· How does this translate into understanding and meeting your child’s needs?

If you were part of a “just get on with it” family you may be more likely to dismiss your child’s feelings and expect them to cope on their own (leading to more avoidant ways of coping). If your parents were more available, but inconsistently so, your child may start to become more ambivalent.

Before you start worrying about your ability to change these patterns it’s important to remember that, even if you had a very difficult childhood you can still develop secure attachment relationships with your children. It just may take more support and reflection.

Focus on attunement and connection

Next, make sure you spend time noticing your child and trying to work out what are they showing. Sometimes what they express they need is different to what they actually need! Helping your child understand what is going on for them and storying this is also really important.

Try to ensure you have some time together that is about being with each other, not just doing (easier said than done with such busy schedules). Connected moments where you are influencing each other are known as intersubjective experiences. My son’s nanny always reminds me of how important this is – spending a day a week with my son without an agenda and with lots of moments of connection. It is so good for him (and her). It may sound simple – just try to enjoy each other as much as you can.

Be PACEful

Developed by Clinical Psychologist, Dr Dan Hughes, the PACE approach has been developed to help children develop more secure attachment relationships. It involves taking an attitude of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy in your parenting. Have a look at our blogs to read more on each of these elements. More about PACE can be found in my Parenting Handbook and the approach is also embedded into my interactive picture books - Bartley’s Books. (As you may be able to tell, I love this model!).

Manage tricky behaviour without damaging your relationship

When things get tricky it’s important that you try to manage the behaviour whilst also showing that you love your child unconditionally. You may disapprove of them drawing all over the walls, but that doesn’t mean that you have stopped loving them (even though you may not feel the love at that time!).

Young children need to learn that what they have done is unhelpful, and find other ways to behave, rather than that they are bad. Discipline is about teaching, not punishment, and the more secure they feel in your relationship the more they will let you influence them. Connect with them before you correct the behaviour – this helps both your attachment relationship but also their behavioural development.

Clinical Psychologist Kim Golding talks about the need to connect before you correct, as do Dan Siegel and Tina Payne-Bryson. You can also find a step-by-step guide to managing tricky behaviour without getting in the way of your relationship in my Parenting Handbook.

Repair after a rupture

We need to make mistakes and have ruptures in our relationships to reconnect and deepen that attachment security (we call this rupture and repair ). So, when you do get it wrong give yourself a pat on the back and think of it as a chance to get closer to your child and show them that we all mistakes. (If you feel you are really struggling though then do ask for help).

As you may have gathered, I could talk about attachment until the cows come home! I’ve introduced lots of ideas today and left a huge amount out. You can hear more about many of these ideas in my Parenting Handboo k and I’ll happily write more blog articles on areas you would like me to explore further – just let me know what these are.

I would also recommend having a look at The Power of Showing Up by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne-Bryson which looks at attachment and brain research and provides lots of really simple ideas to help your child feel more secure.

The Build up to Christmas: 5 Ways to Help You and Your Child Enjoy the Festive Season

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 17:16:13 GMT

In case you hadn’t noticed, Christmas is coming, and fast! It’s different this year, without nativity plays, big get togethers and light turn-ons. But it’s still happening, as both we, and our children well know!

My three-year-old is already telling me that it is “Christmas tomorrow” on a daily basis (to be fair he also thinks it’s still Halloween so he’s not particularly accurate in his understanding of seasonal activities!). He is, however, starting to get excited.

He’s remembering the elves escapades from last year, asking when they are coming back (I still haven’t found them in my cluttered house!). Why I added the nightly task of creating funny Elf scenes throughout December to the already huge list of Christmas jobs is beyond me, but at least he likes it! I was also quite proud of last year’s zip wire adventure.

It’s great he’s excited, but this can spill over into exhaustion and unhelpful behaviour. Here are some tips for helping your child manage their excitement about Christmas, as well as you getting ready for the big day with less pressure.

I hope it will help your child, and you, to find Christmas more enjoyable and less overwhelming.

1. Be Prepared

I am often amazed how some parents manage to be ready for Christmas months in advance. I fall into a different category, rushing around at the last minute in a rather unhelpful way. Being prepared in advance can save so much stress for you. It may be that you have to let your child have a bit more screen time whilst you write lists and coordinate plans but you will feel so much happier if you feel ready in advance.

2. Manage Your Own Stress (and Expectations)

Some parents thrive off Christmas, others just about survive. Try to remember that it is impossible to be perfect (have a look at my most recent blog on why being good enough is good enough – https://bit.ly/2IHutU4). Children pick up on stress and Christmas certainly can add to ours. Try to remember to look after yourself and schedule time for self-care, including enough sleep (this can be the first thing to go out of the window).

Think about what your children would prefer – everything perfect with a stressed parent or a calm and relaxing time with the family (with a few things forgotten!). Do have a think – have you ever not been ready in the past? If you have missed something, has it really been that bad? Christmas is going to happen and you are going to do your best – stressing about what else you could have done is not going to help you along the way…and there’s always next year, and the next!

3. Stick to Routines

We know that children feel much happier when things are predictable and containing. Structure is so important for them. However, it may feel that routines go out of the window in our preparing for Christmas. Try to ensure that you stick, as best as you can, to bedtimes and family meals and make sure you get outside as part of your daily routine. Sweets can become a daily part of the build up to Christmas but remember that sugar is not always our children’s (or our) friend. Try to limit sweet treats at home over the Christmas period if you can.

4. Meet Their Excitement with Calm

When excitement builds children can struggle to manage their feelings and behaviours. This may be particularly true this year when children have had much less interaction and stimulation than normal – Christmas may be the first truly exciting prospect for them (and you) in what has been a particularly hard time.

Whilst it’s lovely seeing a little one full of seasonal joy, there are times that it gets too much, affects their sleep and makes parenting that bit more difficult. I’m not suggesting you suppress their fun, just try to integrate calm times along the way. This might include you scheduling in down time or staggering the more exciting activities over the month.

A dad that I work with gave the lovely analogy of a coke bottle which will fizz everywhere when shaken up, describing to his daughter that they have a little glass of coke every now and then, and that’s much more enjoyable than an explosion (referring back to my restricting sugar comment you could also choose fizzy water as an analogy!).

As with all things in parenting your modelling is key - children will feel much calmer if you do. Helping children understand and regulate their feelings will be really important – and this is not just relevant to excitement but also sadness around what they may be missing this year. Have a look at my blog (https://bit.ly/3n5ZDU5) for more about co-regulation.

5. Ask Others for Help

You may have less pressure on you with a smaller family Christmas this year, or more things to do with fewer helpers. This doesn’t mean that you have to do it all alone. Even if it’s virtual your support network is still out there. Do ask for help when you need it – Christmas is a time of giving and I’m sure people will be more than happy to be there for you, you just need to let them know you need it. For example, I have asked my mum to come and take away bags for the charity shop and help declutter the house, something which massively eases the pressure for me and allows me to focus on getting ready for Christmas.

Even young children can be involved in helping with food preparation and older siblings can be a great distraction for little ones when you have things to do. Children generally like to be involved so get them on board as soon as you can.

It’s going to be a different Christmas this year. There will be lots of the normal traditions missing, and this is going to be sad (I am upset that my son is not going to be in a nativity play before he starts big school next year). Do try to focus on some of the positives this may bring – such as more time as a family, less pressure to make costumes and bake for the school fair. I hope you manage to get there with minimal stress and find the time to connect, relax and enjoy.

Happy Christmas to you all!

P.S. If you’re looking for Christmas present ideas then our children’s book, Please Stay Here – I Want You Near, makes a perfect gift for a child starting school or childcare next year. Our Parenting Handbook is a great gift for parents who want to learn more about how they can support their child through common everyday challenges. Both can be bought on Amazon https://amzn.to/3acAofh or on our Facebook Shop.

Parenting: Why Being "Good Enough" is Good Enough

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Thu, 03 Dec 2020 08:55:47 GMT

I know the gold standard for writing blogs is to deliver them on a fortnightly basis. I’ve been a bit remiss as this is my first one in months! What a better topic to start with then than why it is OK not to get things right all the time.

Perfection is unobtainable, but it does seem to be something that we are pushed to do. The number of posts out there on mum guilt is astonishing. Over the last year we have been expected to juggle life in a way that does not seem possible. Many of us have been coping with (or trying to) being teachers, parents and professionals, three full time jobs all at the same time! This has left me wondering whether it’s actually possible to do anything well enough! And then along comes Christmas (gulp!).

I’m hoping that reading this will leave you feeling happier with how you are doing as a parent, that you will realise that buying into the pressure to get it “right” is not helpful, and that you will learn that the attachment research highlights how we don’t need to be perfect to raise happy and healthy children.

Children don’t need us all of the time. They need is a parent who knows they are good enough for them, accepts their foibles, makes and owns mistakes, and can manage their own emotional world.

Forget Perfection - Strive for Good Enough
Parents can feel a great deal of guilt around their work/life balance. Guilt can actually be a helpful emotion, allowing you to reflect on what is, and isn’t working. However, when you have little control over the things you want to change, it can feel overwhelming.

The first thing you need to remember is that you are doing your best, and that is good enough. Interestingly, an article in the Economist reported that we spend twice as much time with our children as parents did 50 years ago (The Economist, November 27th 2017), suggesting that we are already much more active in our parenting than we used to be.
“Good enough” is key to parenting. Research into attachment, which is important to children’s development, highlights how we should strive to be good enough, not perfect. A recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order to develop secure attachment relationships (Woodhouse et al., 2019). So, if you’re getting it right about half the time, you’re onto something!

Quality of Time is Far More Important than Quantity

When our lives are more pressured we may have less time to spend with our children and are less able to do the things we would like to do (my home cooked meals have turned into ready meals recently!). We need to try to remember that children thrive when they have quality time with us. It’s what you do together that counts, not how much time you spend together.

When children know they are loved, even when you are not together, and have positive moments of connection when you are together, they are likely to need less attention. Children who feel more secure are more able to explore the world without you, believing it is a safe and exciting place and knowing that you are there if they need you.

If we can have moments of quality time, where we are not pre-occupied, children are more likely to allow us some time to get on with our own tasks when they play. This is far better than trying to be with them all the time, whilst being distracted. Your stability is very important as children are highly tuned in – if you’re stressed, they’ll feel stressed!

Try not to compare yourself to others

Trundling gleefully down the hill to school earlier in the week I bumped into another mum. I told her that my excitement was about having already made a macaroni cheese that morning (pretty sad that I was excited about that!) I don’t think she realised that this was unheard of for me, as mornings are normally chaos and grumpiness! But I saw in her face a moment of stress – it looked like my comment fed into her not feeling good enough. Not having her evening meal ready, thinking that she should be doing better (I quickly clarified that this was an anomaly for me!).

It’s so important not to compare how we are doing with others. We all have our own strengths but also things we find difficult. It’s fine to work on what we would like to change, but aspiring to the impossible is not helpful. We often think we “should” be doing what others are and this only adds to the pressure we place on ourselves. Dr. Alison Escalante talks about “should storms” (have a look at her brilliant Ted Talk about this - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYT7EDi_nOs&feature=youtu.be ) and how unhelpful these are. Try to use the word could more than should, something as simple as this can take the pressure off you.

I love a bit of Social Media voyeurism but do try take glossy Social Media images of “successful” families with a pinch of salt. Otherwise it can feed into this unhelpful belief that we are doing something wrong and “should” be keeping up with the Joneses.

Do Make Mistakes (they are good for your children, in moderation!)

We all make mistakes. We don’t want to teach our children that they need to get it right all the time. We need to model to them that, sometimes, we just can’t do things in the way we would like to. Children benefit from being shown that it’s better to try, and not quite make it, than not to try in case they can’t do something. They need to see that learn that perfection does not exist.

Having moments in your relationship with your child where you are not in tune with them, you are dominated by your own stresses and not there for them in the way you would like to be is absolutely normal. In fact, it can be helpful! The important thing is to notice when this is happening, to take responsibility for it and to apologise and explain. This, in itself, is one of the ways we help our children feel more connected to us – ruptures and repairs in relationships are important in developing secure attachment relationships.

Children are very forgiving, particularly when they can make meaning around tricky experiences. They are aware of changes in the world because of COVID-19 and will understand that you are busier not because you don’t want to be with them, but because you have so much to do, particularly if you explain this to them.

Be Led by Your Child

We can sometimes overly rely on our own templates of parenting rather than being led by our child. Whilst this is completely understandable it may be impossible to achieve. For example, my mum was a stay at home mum for the first 8 years of my life. She was always available, picked me up and dropped me to school every day, got everything ready for me etc etc. I was pretty lucky (but she wasn’t perfect - thank goodness!).

I would love to do those things for my children but I can’t in the same way. I have a different life (most notably a highly demanding job!). I can still meet my children’s needs, but in different ways. And although I am sometimes sad about what they might be missing that I had, I am also aware that they are getting lots of other positive messages about me as a mum (and woman) and learning skills from others that I can’t teach them. So, instead of trying (and failing) to be my mum, I’m looking at what I am able to offer my children and, most importantly, trying to be led by their needs.

Children are very good at letting you know what is and isn’t working for them, although often this is through behaviours rather than words. It’s important to take your child’s cues on how they are managing. If they are clingy and demanding it’s probably a sign they are not coping without you or need your help. My son generally climbs on my lap in front of my computer and puts his hands in front of my eyes, or starts pressing the buttons (very helpful!). Spending 10 minutes together helping them feel safe and secure and then redirecting them is much more effective than trying to fob them off straight away, however much you have on.

I’ll never forget going to a children’s party and my son refusing to leave my side. Whilst I was trying, unsuccessfully, to prise him off, the entertainer suggested I just sit with him until he feels comfortable following and join in. I should have known this but I had my own agenda to get on with. Needless to say, sitting with him and not becoming caught up in his anxiety worked wonders (and I spent the rest of the party chatting to parents with him coming to check in with me a few times).

We all parent so differently, with some of us leaning towards more “helicopter parenting” and others encouraging “free-range children”. Current demands may necessitate a shift towards the latter. You may be needing your child to be on their own more than you would want to. If you are feeling guilty that you are not there in the way you normally would be, it is important to remember that independent play can have many benefits. It helps children build resilience, imagination, creativity and problem-solving skills.

Your child will let you know, in their way, if it’s not working for them. You just need to follow their lead and provide that containing support if they are struggling. I do sometimes wonder if we put pressure to be with our children more than they actually need us there. It’s important for them as individuals to learn to explore their world, at some point this will be without you. Rest assured, if a child has a secure attachment, they will look to you to provide a safe base from which they can explore, returning to you before embarking on another adventure!

Take the Pressure off Yourself

I gave myself an hour to write this. I would normally spend far too much time going over sentences and worrying about whether it was helpful. It may not be the most eloquent, coherent, organised or evidence-based blog in the world but if I’m advocating less pressure on others, I need to apply the same expectations to myself. I would love to hear if it was helpful (dare I say good enough!). I hope that the same message comes across in my Parenting Handbook which I partly wrote because I was fed up of other parenting books making me feel that I was getting things wrong.

Parenting isn’t the easiest job in the world. Focus on doing your best and getting it right as much as we can, without striving for perfection. This can only be a positive thing for you and your child.

You can buy your copy of our Parenting Handbook from just £4.99 on Amazon or from our Facebook Shop .

Teaching in The Times of Covid: How You Can Help Children Manage Their Anxiety

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Sun, 29 Nov 2020 18:11:13 GMT

“Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” Thích Nhất Hạnh

Well what a year it has been. Not one that any of us could have imagined or would have hoped for. All over the world we are having to adapt to the threat of Covid-19 and uncertainty about the future. Children have had prolonged periods away from education and, although some of them are back, this can be on and off as and when Covid-19 dictates. Helping children cope with these changes is key for the education sector if we are to support them to re-engage in learning.

As a Clinical Psychologist I have been working with schools as well as children and families over this difficult period. I wrote this blog to summarise some of the ways educational professionals can support children through the increased anxiety they are likely to be feeling.

Anxiety and Covid-19
A global pandemic is not good for anyone’s emotional wellbeing and is having an impact upon us all. Whilst we are all in very different situations, it is far from what any of us are used to and children will be noticing these changes. They are likely to be seeing more worried adults, hearing more stressful news and having little, if any, time with friends. Children have had to contend with new rules, a change in routine, a lack of control and a loss of relationships. Like us, they feel safe when things are predictable – something which has been absent for many months now.

Not surprisingly, there has been an increase in children and young people having emotional difficulties (Kooth, 2020, Co-Space, 2020). Children are feeling anxious about many different things, including returning to, and being at, school. Their anxiety can show in different ways including having problems sleeping, becoming irritable, finding it hard to concentrate, having a sore tummy and being demanding and controlling. Younger children, in particular, struggle to find the words to let us know how they are feeling, nor the skills to manage their emotions.

Whilst a normal response to a stressful time, anxiety is not conducive to learning. As I’m sure you well know, children learn much better when they are calm and happy. Unless we focus on helping children manage their emotional world, we cannot expect them to meet their full potential academically. Now could not be a more important time for educational professionals to consider their priorities.

How Can You Help?

For me, the primary objective for education settings at the moment is to help children feel more secure so they can get back into learning again, something many will have missed a great deal of (hands up here, my home schooling was dreadful!). I would suggest there are three areas that you need to focus on for this to happen: yourself, parents and (last but not least!) children.

1. THINK ABOUT YOURSELF

We are all juggling so much at the moment and it may feel like an impossible task to manage both yours, and children’s physical safety whilst also continuing to support them socially, emotionally and academically.

Although it can be hugely rewarding, teaching already holds many challenges and it must be hard to see the wood from the trees at the moment. School staff have faced their own trauma, including economic uncertainty, the challenges of remote learning, caring for sick family members or being unwell themselves. I’m also guessing many of you will have had your own children at home whilst attempting to hold down a day job. Making things even harder is the lack of clarity around rules - just when you have got into the swing of things something new is introduced (normally at a day’s notice!). This only adds to the pressure you are already under.

So, before you even think about what children need, it is important that you look after yourself. If we are to support children with their emotional wellbeing, we need to be able to understand and manage our own.

We know that emotions are contagious (and physiologically so). It is key that children feel safe and contained in their school, and that the environment is as calm as it can be. Have a think about how you have been feeling over the last months and what you do to look after yourself. If you are struggling it is important that you ask for help.

1. WORK WITH PARENTS

According to a recent survey by Barnados, half of all parents expressed concerns about their children returning to school. They worried about their children contracting Covid-19 as well whether schools could manage social distancing. If we are going to help children feel less anxious, they need to see their parents giving them the message that going back to school is OK.

Schools need to communicate with parents about how they are keeping their child safe at school and the changes that have been made. Sending information home for parents to share with their children, in a visual format if possible (when we are anxious pictures are often easier to digest than words) is helpful. This will allow both parents and children to feel supported by school and better prepared for what the “new normal” looks like.

I have worked with some local schools around sharing information with parents, and have pulled together a brief resource ( https://bit.ly/35N2mM1 ) to provide them with some information about anxiety and tips for supporting their children with it. Whilst the focus is primarily on managing separations from their parents the advice is also relevant to more general anxiety. Sharing this (and other resources) with parents will show them that you are taking their children’s feelings and experiences seriously and providing psychologically formed support.

1. HELP CHILDREN UNDERSTAND AND MANAGE ANXIETY

Focus on Your Relationship:

Of course, there are lots of strategies to help children manage their anxiety – as a google search will quickly demonstrate! However, these are much more successful if they are delivered in the context of a trusting relationship. We know that relationships are the vehicle of change and that children manage stressful situations much better if they feel safe with you. Aside from their parents, you are likely to be the most influential and important person in their lives at the moment with access to extended family and friends being restricted (no pressure there!).

We regulate each other’s feelings through non-verbal communication. This is more powerful than what we are actually saying, particularly when we are anxious. It’s therefore important to send safety messages through your body language. Try to stay open and engaged, however hard things feel to you.

A lovely approach is PACE, whilst I talk about in my Parenting Handbook. Developed by Dan Hughes, Clinical Psychologist, PACE is an attitude of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. If you are able to have these elements underlying your approach to working with children, they are much more likely to feel safe and understood at school.

Don’t Forget About the Body:

Anxiety is a physical experience – it triggers the release of adrenaline and cortisol (and lots of other neuro-chemicals). Children often need support to calm their bodies. Try to make sure relaxation and mindfulness are part of the school day and that you get outside if you can (the benefits of being outdoors are huge).

Talk About Feelings:

Try to normalise and validate children’s feelings and help them link them to bodily sensations. In The Whole Brain Child, Dan Siegel and Tina Payne-Bryson talk about the need to “name to tame” feelings. We can sometimes be too quick to dismiss or avoid talking about negative emotions, but when we help children know what they are feeling it is much easier for them to notice and manage them.

Teachers have told me that they are unsure how to address children’s experiences of lockdown, some of which will have been positive, others less so. They are worried about opening a can of worms. Whilst this is completely valid, it is important that children have a chance to talk about what they have been through. Not only will this be an outlet for them but give you an understanding of what they have missed. For younger children especially, remember that play is a great way to express feelings.

Keep Going – We Need You!

The coronavirus pandemic has done nothing to alleviate the pressures teachers already face daily, and it has absolutely meant that you have shown yourselves as the highly trained and adaptable professionals you are. The mental energy required to do your job at the moment is staggering.

This isn’t what you signed up for, and yet you’re doing it anyway. You’re putting together lessons with ever changing restrictions. You’re adapting your teaching in the blink of an eye.

Pause a moment and realise that what you’re doing matters. It matters not just for the children you have in your classes today, but also for the future. You are making history.

Take care of yourself and each other. Thank you for being there.

Resources

There are some great resources for schools on managing anxiety and improving wellbeing. I particularly like the Mentally Healthy Schools toolkit developed in response to the impact of COVID on children’s emotional wellbeing:

www.mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk/media/2025/coronavirus-anxiety-toolkit.pdf

If you are interested in hearing more ideas about returning to school, separation anxiety and support for parents, do have a listen to a Podcast I was recently on with Edx Education https://bit.ly/32ZFPK2

References

Co-Space 2020, COVID-19 Supporting Parents, Adolescents, and Children in Epidemics, University of Oxford. www.ox.ac.uk/news/2020-06-16-children-show-increase-mental-health-difficulties-over-covid-19-lockdown

Kooth, 2020 https://xenzone.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/230420_CYP_infographic.pdf

Our Books

Our books include a series of interactive books for young children which are a great resource for teachers and parents alike. Bartley’s Books consider separation anxiety, tricky behaviour, the arrival of a new sibling, healthy eating, bedtime routines and potty training.

The first in the series, Please Stay Here – I Want You Near is available on Amazon https://amzn.to/2IE3JUv or Facebook https://bit.ly/2HcHOTp and helps young children understand and manage separation anxiety.

Also available is a Parenting Handbook which provides information on the importance of storytelling and the attachment relationship and includes practical suggestions on how to support children’s emotional and behavioural development throughout their early years, and beyond.

Rupture and Repair

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 08:26:08 GMT

We can't always live in harmony with our little ones, sometimes our agendas feel miles apart. For me most of the ruptures come early in the morning, when my little one is pulling my nightie up saying "milk" and I am saying "sleep". My parenting powers aren't at their best at 5:30 and I often become cross (yup, I tell him to stop being annoying and to let me sleep).

So, when this happens it really is my responsibility to repair the rupture. The behaviour really is annoying, but it's not helpful for him to hear that he's annoying when all he wants is a drink! In a previous post I talked about the importance of repairing your relationship with your little one after a rupture - here are some of the ways to do it.

Establish safety in your relationship .

When children feel safe and supported they will still do things that challenge you! However, the more secure they feel with you the less likely they are to feel that you are angry at them, or think they are bad, and instead may be able to learn that you will love them no matter what. This bodes well for those times that you are not on the same page and are needing to put in the boundaries.

Remain accountable in your words, feelings and choices.
When I am finding my partner frustrating it is not always his fault (but don't tell him that!). It's often when I am tired and busy and he is not getting what I need. We both need to take responsibility for finding a way forward, communicating well, acknowledging our feelings and being clear about what we need. Little ones don't quite have the skills for this yet and it is our job to model them how we manage ruptures. So do try to think about whether you would have responded differently were you not so knackered, consider what their behaviour was communicating (there's always a reason!) and try to be clear in how you discuss what happened.

We do need to help little ones learn but it's also very helpful if they can see what part we played. For example, after I have calmed down from being woken at 5:30 I apologise to my little one for being cross. I tell him that sleep is important and that it makes me grumpy if he wakes me up early. I also try to think more broadly about what would have helped - for example, making sure he was well fed and watered before bed and getting myself into a better routine. What is important is that he hears I am not blaming him for being hungry and waking up at the time his body clock is set to wake!

Know what to say (or not to say) and when to talk (or not talk)
If you are anything like me you might want to have the last word, or show that you are right. Particularly in the moment! Whilst it would be more helpful if I did not feel the need to do this, especially with my pre-schooler, I do know it's a trait of mine. It's important to learn to read what is going on - is it really the time to engage in a battle with them when everyone is exhausted? Think about what purpose it will serve (probably make you feel more distant). It's OK to revisit at a later time.

When you are talking to your child about tricky times, try to be curious, talk about unhelpful behaviours, explain how you understood what happened (what feelings were driving their behaviour), talk about your part in the rupture, apologise and say what you could have done differently. What a great model for children to see parents showing they understand, are interested in what's going on and make mistakes themselves. So much more healthy than punishing - remember discipline is about teaching, not making children feel bad or naughty.

Offer yourself and your child some compassion

Try to remember that we all get things wrong. It can be exhausting looking after little ones, the compliant little baby can change into what can feel like a monster (my 3 year old, a "model" baby) is going through a biting, hitting and refusing to do anything asked phase. It's OK to feel you are getting it wrong. It's OK to get it wrong! The power of repairing after ruptures in your relationship is that reconnection. This is important for both of you. Try to remember that you are doing your best, as is your child. Be kind to both of you. Compassion goes a long way.

Rupture and repair is part of any relationship, and strengthens the connection between people. Do try to take responsibility for repairing tricky moments more broadly, you might be surprised how much better it makes you all feel...

What pushes your buttons most? Do you try to repair ruptures in your relationship? What works best for you?

Co-regulating with your little one

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 20:36:33 GMT

We're in this together

If I’m being completely honest, I have always struggled to explain what “co-regulation” is. It’s a term banded about frequently, but often without a clear explanation of what it actually means and, most importantly, how we actually do it!

Looking up the definition of co-regulation on Wikipedia (a " continuous unfolding of individual action that is susceptible to being continuously modified by the continuously changing actions of the partner" ) didn’t clarify things. So, I thought it might be helpful to write a blog about it, with as little psychobabble as possible. I have focused upon what it is, why it’s so important in early childhood. I have also provided some ideas to help parents support their children through co-regulation. Here goes…

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to an experience without feeling overwhelmed by it (and becoming “dysregulated” – where you lose control of your internal world). It’s about managing our levels of arousal, i.e. how calm or excited we are.

Although no one has it down to a tee (there will always be times that we will struggle to regulate how we are feeling), as we get older we learn to regulate our emotions ourselves. This is known as “self-regulation”. We do this by becoming aware of our feelings, understanding them and learning to express them in a healthy way. We develop a conscious control of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Managing our emotions ourselves requires higher-level thinking. We need to be able to recognise when something triggers us and find a way to bring down our level of arousal before responding. It requires a level of awareness and ability to reflect.

The ability to self-regulate is an important one. The better we are at managing our feelings, the more able we are to manage our behaviours (so important for social relationships). We can focus on what is happening in the moment without becoming overwhelmed, we will feel more balanced emotionally and are less likely to turn to unhealthy coping strategies.

What is Co-Regulation?

“The ability to quickly use the resources of a close other may represent a so-called fast route to emotional regulation” (Sbarra & Hazan, 2008)

As a social species we are pretty much always regulating each other’s emotions and nervous systems, be it our children, partners or colleagues. It’s a natural process. Simply speaking, co-regulation is about how people impact upon each other’s emotional states. If you have a look at the still face experiment video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0 you will see how a mother’s response to a baby impacts upon them emotionally (warning, even this is only for 2 minutes it is quite distressing to see).

Co-regulation is not a one-way process, but more of an interactive dance in which two people provide moment-to-moment feedback to each other. “Being with” another person can bring our level of arousal down more quickly than trying to manage our feelings ourselves. This is thought to be because the connection can help calm the lower brain without having to switch on the higher “thinking” part of the brain to find ways to calm.

Why is co-regulation particularly important for children?

When we are very young we rely on others to regulate our feelings - we have limited capacity to cope with them on our own. One of the key tasks of early development is learning to shift from external regulation (relying on others) to internal regulation, i.e. developing the capacity to self-regulate. Little ones need to be taught how to” do this. Not in a sitting down explaining sort of way, but through experiencing others helping them calm - through co-regulation.

When a baby feels an unfamiliar or uncomfortable sensation, they signal to their parent that something is the matter. The parent then steps in to help them regulate how they are feeling – supporting them to calm through non-verbal communication (eye contact, tone of voice, cuddling).

Babies just aren’t born with the ability to self-regulate and it takes some time to learn this skill. Have a think about a perfectly “normal” toddler’s reaction to not getting what they want immediately. It’s hardly a controlled expression of frustration! My three-year old is currently showing me on a daily basis how hard it is to regulate his feelings when you so little. Today he “lost it” when I moved a chair slightly out of place and turned the TV on for him (he needed to do it himself, clearly!).

Young children’s brains aren’t developed enough to self-regulate. They need adults to help strengthen those connections between the lower part of the brain (the more reactive survival system) and the higher parts of the brain (the more thinking parts). When children are stressed these two parts of the brain (being simplistic here so excuse me if you are a neurologist!) are less connected with each other, and adults need to help children, through co-regulation, to help develop and strengthen these connections. Siegal and Payne-Bryson talk about “flipping the lid” in the Whole Brain Child. Co-regulating helps put the lid back on!

The more we are able to co-regulate a child’s feelings, the quicker they will learn to self-regulate. I think, historically, we have often assumed that children have more control over their feelings (and resulting behaviours) than they actually do and have expected them to learn to manage their emotions earlier than they can.

When children are struggling we need to be with them, help them calm and help them learn to understand what they are feeling. Only then will they be able to learn to do this themselves in the future.

How do we do it?

It can be helpful to stop and think how we, as parents, are co-regulating our children’s feelings when they are overwhelmed (“dysregulated”) and unable to manage on their own.

If you have read my previous blogs, you will know that I love the PACE model. Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy are all qualities which help us co-regulate our children’s feelings. Approaching your children with this attitude will help you (and them) no end.

We co-regulate by offering a warm, calm response. When children feel overwhelmed your approach helps them learn to understand and express their feelings in a positive way. Try to do the following:

Notice and label what they are feeling (tune into the emotions driving their behaviours). Siegal and Payne-Bryson talk about naming the feelings to tame them. When they know what they are feeling they will find it easier to understand and manage them.

Mirror what they are feeling. People often suggest you support a child through a gentle and quiet voice, but I would always try to meet them where they are emotionally. Try to match their mood non-verbally – not through getting angry when they are but by increasing your rate of speech. By meeting them at their level you can bring the emotional temperature down. Just think how annoying it is when someone tells you to “calm down” in a slow and quiet voice when you are stressed!

Show them you can cope with it – remain in control of your own feelings, help them feel contained.

Find ways to help them feel soothed through non-verbal communication. Big feelings respond much better to non-verbal than verbal communication. This might include physical touch, eye-contact and a sing-song tone of voice.

Let them know that you understand what they are feeling and that it is OK and that you are helping them find other ways, more helpful ways, to show this.

You can reflect with them later what their body felt like when they were out of control to help them notice their own feelings.

Give the message “we’re in this together” and that you are available to help them when they are struggling.

What about us?

The more able we are to regulate our own feelings and connect with our children’s, the better we can help them understand and manage how they are feeling and the calmer we will both be (sometimes easier said than done in the midst of a meltdown!) . How able we are to co-regulate depends on our own emotional state, and how regulated we are. This can affect how we read a child’s need for help, how we make sense of it, and what we do. We don’t always get it right and that’s OK!

I’m always going on about self-care and how, as parents, if we don’t actively focus on this we are not only modelling to our children that we don’t need to look after ourselves but also running on empty. It’s so much harder to help children when we are in a dysregulated state ourselves. Even though adults are much more able to regulate their own feelings, we mustn’t forget that having others around to help us can bring help us no end – co-regulation is relevant across the life span.

I remembered this recently when, having been with just my children and partner for months, without seeing friends, siblings or parents, I was losing my way. I was getting irritated easily, finding the children pushing my buttons all too often, becoming fed up and feeling unappreciated. They obviously picked up on this (I’m not very good a hiding my mood) and an unhealthy cycle of negative emotions started – not surprising as emotions are contagious.

It got to the point that my middle son asked if he could have more “daddy days” as “mummy days” weren’t fun (because I was being so grumpy: unfortunately he was spot on). This made me realise that I really was struggling to manage my emotional world on my own, that my children and partner were inadvertently feeding into this and I needed to seek help elsewhere.

I called my mum who came around as soon as she could. Whilst she couldn’t give me a hug, and looked a bit weird in a mask, her support, empathy and acceptance, verbal and non-verbal was just what I needed. I might be in my forties, but sometimes I still need my own mum to help me regulate my feelings (thanks mum!).

If you have any questions about Parenting Through Stories and our approach to supporting parents and children, then please don't hesitate to get in touch.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Sarah

Our Parenting Handbook is full of practical tips and insights into a child's development which can help navigating parenting that little bit easier. Our lift-the-flap children's book, Please Stay Here - I Want You Near, supports little ones through separation anxiety - a very common challenge, especially at the moment. Both are available to buy here https://bit.ly/314RpU6

Coping with Separations

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Sun, 17 May 2020 12:22:36 GMT

“As a child, I was very careful not to erase my mother's writing on the chalkboard because I would miss her.” Joyce Rachelle

The first thing my three-year old says to me when he wakes up every morning is “is the lockdown over”. I’m not quite sure how to respond. Yes, but no. You can’t see your friends yet but you can go to pre-school in a few weeks. No the Coronavirus hasn’t gone. Confusing.

I have been thinking a lot about how we, as parents, cope with the separation anxiety that both our little ones, and us, are likely to feel when we are no longer with each other 24-7. There will have been times (many in my case!) that we have wished for a moment’s peace over the last few months, but now we could get it do we feel comfortable with the change? And is it right for our children? It’s not as though we can slowly reintroduce their other most trusted adults, such as grannies and granddads, unless it’s in a public place and they don’t go close. This would feel like the most healthy step for our children before going back to childcare settings.

Instead, we might be sending them back to pre-school, nursery, childminders or big school. Whilst this is a necessity for many of us (I’m still debating whether I can manage working around the children or whether I will need at least some childcare) it is going to be tricky. If my little one goes back I’m really going to miss him.

Already we have children who are confused and more anxious than normal. You can see that everywhere. Even within our family this is coming out, with my children being more vigilant, not wanting to touch things, being worried about being in (or around) shops, needing the light on, looking concerned when we cough. I see their faces and it makes me so sad that they have to cope with this. But when they go back to childcare what is going to happen? Do they have to learn not to play with others or be close to adults when they need support? I just can’t imagine how bad that might be for their emotional well-being and long-term idea of relationships and closeness.

Will they be with adults who are worried about looking after them, and the risk that this entails? Will we be able to manage our anxiety about how they are being looked after, whether they are being exposed to the virus and what the impact might be upon them? What if we don’t send them back? Are we compromising their development of friendships and learning how to play together?

We just don’t know the answers, and these are very real fears.

I think what we all need to do is work out what will be best for us and our children, and how we minimise anxiety for everyone.

Please Stay Here – I Want You Near

“Try to prise a limpet away from its rock and it will cling all the harder.”

Jeremy Holmes, John Bowlby and Attachment Theory

We know that separation anxiety is a normal developmental process that children go through. It is common from the age of around 6 months, and lasts until children are three (and sometimes later). Whilst distressing to witness, it’s normally a sign that your child has started to know that you are available and responsive, and that they feel safer with you by their side. When children feel securely attached they go off and explore, knowing that they have you, their safe base, to return to. This reduces anxiety and gets them ready to set off on their curious little ambles again. Children need their secure bases now more than ever, providing them with their increased need to check in with trusted adults - such relationships are known to buffer against the effects of adversity

The difficulty with the current situation is that separation anxiety increases with transitions, all things ahead of us with the potential return to childcare and school. In my Parenting Handbook I provide some “Top Tips” for managing separations, all of which are particularly relevant now. When you have decided what is going to work best for your family you might want to think about some of the following in helping reduce anxiety around separations:

Let them know that you understand they are worried , and that this is a very valid feeling. Don’t dismiss it by telling them not to be “silly”. We try to make things easier for our little ones by doing this, but actually what they need is to be understood and to learn that you can help them manage this big feeling.
Try to keep yourself in check . Remind yourself that you are doing your best and your decision is based on what you need to do for your family right now. Emotions are contagious so showing your child how anxious you are about the change is likely to make things worse.
Try to start with short separations – even if they were in full-time childcare before this will be a big change. Build it up slowly.
Try to have more special time with your child outside of the childcare setting.
Don’t sneak out or pretend you are only leaving briefly, however tempting this may be.
Don’t make the goodbye too prolonged – it’s fine to distract them if you are honest about where you are going and when you will be back. And make sure you come back when you said you would!
Let them know that you still want to be with them and will miss them, but that you have things to do that they can’t do with you.
Remind your child what happens at the setting .
I always recommend trying to transfer your child to a trusted adult . Their calming touch can be really helpful and makes your leaving much easier. Who knows how social distancing measures may impact upon this but let them see that you are working with whoever is looking after them.
I would also recommend letting them take their favourite toy or object with them which reminds them of home and helps them to feel more at ease (this is known as a “transitional object”). I’m not sure how possible this will be (my teacher friend told me children weren’t allowed to bring things in from home). An alternative is to do something like drawing a little heart on their hand for them to look at during the day.

I think children will need time to process the changes where they are – I saw a very sad picture of children in France playing alone in their playground chalk boxes, not being allowed to mix with other children.

It is so important that we continue to help children understand what these changes are about and how they won’t last forever. It is OK for them to find things difficult and they will need additional support from you to make sense of them and have connected moments, which include physical contact, outside of childcare. Our skin is an organ designed to be touched and we need to attend to this within our family if it can’t happen outside.

My first interactive children’s book, Please Stay Here - I Want You Near, and a Parenting Handbook is available to pre-order now (arriving in August). I couldn’t think of a more important time to support children with separation anxiety, both for children going back to the same childcare setting and for those starting school. Please have a look at www.crowdfunder.co.uk/parenting-through-stories .

Remember that you are doing your best during these tricky times, that anxiety is normal for all of us, and to look after yourself as best you can. Try to keep up those moments of connection with your little one as much as you can.

Good luck!

Sarah

Hang on (in there)

Sarahmundy77@icloud.com (Sarah Mundy) — Wed, 06 May 2020 20:38:19 GMT

I have spent this week being more reflexive than reflective. The exact opposite of my last blog, where I talked about all the things I was learning from the lockdown. This blog is very late, highlighting how hard it is to actually think when you are running on empty. The drain of being a full time mum, full time psychologist and full time house keeper are taking their toll (although my partner does help, I can’t take all the credit!).

My wonderful children have decided that I shouldn’t even be attempting home schooling as I am not a proper teacher, as well as questioning my ability as a mother. So much for fun activities, board games, learning through nature etc. I’m on the edge! There is a reason we were designed to be social animals - we are meant to have contact with more than four people.

Ground Hog Day

The soundtrack of my house, aside from Crazy Frog on repeat (yes really, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this!) is becoming like Ground Hog day. I literally hear “mum, mum, mum, mum” (at increasing volume) until I pay full attention to whichever cherub is shouting at me. The most annoying is when my eight year old, who is lolling on the sofa whilst I rush around the house, asks me to get him a glass of water. He will not get himself one even when he is on the edge of dehydration. I know I’m supposed to choose my battles but I’m not quite sure I can give into this one.

I’m getting frustrated with my children being so repetitive, but what about me? I’m not sure who would win on the repetitive stakes. If I had a pound for every time I said:

“Hang on”

“Coming”

“Can I just finish this?”

“Can someone lay the table?”

“Sorry, I really am coming”

“What were you trying to show me?”

“I’ll be there in a minute” (which is normally actually about 10 – no wonder my children have a poor concept of time!)

“No I haven’t finished yet” (when my little one comes into my office at 9:30 in the morning asking if I’ve finished my days work, and then showing real upset on his face which makes me feel dreadful)

“We can’t have cake for breakfast”

“The ice-lollies are not ready yet” (they take 2 days and we only put them in the freezer 5 minutes ago)

I would be a millionaire by now!

Toddler-Tastic

My toddler has started showing ridiculously toddler like behaviours (I’m not sure why I am surprised, it’s age and stage appropriate) and I have no respite from them. It’s endearing the first few times, but not being allowed to walk up the stairs first, put sun-cream on him or eat my own food (he obviously prefers mine to his, despite them being exactly the same) is becoming testing. He was adamant that he had treacle on his pizza this evening. Thank goodness Olive Oil looks very similar as I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t have eaten it otherwise!

Even our idyllic cycle rides to the beach are now a battle, he believes he is bigger, better and more important than everyone at the moment (that wonderfully egocentric and narcissistic stage they go through) and refuses to accept that he cannot yet cycle, certainly not as far as the beach. When I manage to persuade him onto the back of my seat (in ways that I really shouldn’t if I’m following my advice!) he spends the majority of the journey telling me to go faster (“come on mum, Blaze power”) which is normally physically impossible. Alternatively, he asks to get off, when there are any bumpy patches. The novelty for him being on a bike has worn off and he dawdles along with the rest of us trying to get some exercise (but not being allowed in front of him so walking with our bikes!). I’m not sure why I have been finding his innocent curiosity, stopping to look at every flower he passes, as frustrating. It’s not like I have anywhere to go.

“Can I come with you?” is an incessant request (actually an order rather than a question), even when I’m taking a trip to the loo – the contrast between limpet behaviour and needing to be independent: “I can do it myself” (even when he can’t and has to start right from scratch if something isn’t quite as his head thought it should be happens) is quite extreme.

He’s learnt to roll his eyes, stomp his feet and, when I am trying to get us out for our daily walk he takes three steps then decides that it’s hilarious (without any warning) to fall to the floor, yanking my hand and stopping us. He seems to associate me with Morph (for those of you who remember the joys of Tony Hart), with no part of my body being free from pulling/yanking/kicking and stretching. The tantrum that ensued from the local shop not having a gingerbread man was a sight to be seen. And he won’t go to bed, nor sleep through the night. I regularly wake up with a foot in my face. The incessant nature of looking after toddlers was something I had forgotten, with work and socialising serving a much-needed rest. Hats off to those who are full-time parents. I’m not sure I could do it.

Practice What You Preach!

Noticing I have been less able to manage full days (or even hours) being playful, curious, accepting and empathic towards my children, I realised that I needed to start to do what I have been supporting other parents with for the last 20 years - if I was dishing out advice, I should, I mean could, really be trying to put it into practice myself!

I looked back over my Parenting Handbook, re-read my more hopeful blogs at the beginning of the lockdown, and turned to social media, which I now sort of understand (although can’t tell the difference between “stories” and “posts” yet!) and find quite useful. There are some regular posters who always hit the spot, both in terms of bringing me back down to a calm state and accepting that I can’t get it right all the time, and others who are good at reminding me what my children need from a psychological perspective.

Looking back, I think my mantra in my first blog was a bit too ambitious (although a good thing to aspire to!). There are a few areas that I have adhered to (such as making more mistakes than usual) but many others have fallen by the wayside. How on earth could I have thought I was going to declutter my house with three children in it at all times? (although I did spend 12 hours sorting Lego into different colours, which was actually quite therapeutic!). I needed to re-read my mantra and remind myself which parts are now important to me, and how I get myself back into that headspace (you’ll find out next week whether it worked or not!).

Help and Humour

The Instagram accounts that I have found really helpful in relation to remembering my children’s needs, and looking after my own, include #the_psychologists_child, #mamapsychologists, #valueaddedparenting and #parenting.littles. They offer some useful suggestions of phrases, evidence why young children need a focus on connection before anything else, as well as how to minimise burnout in parents. #fiveminutemum is also great at providing creative ideas for things to do with your children, when your brain literally stops thinking, and the TV becomes a parent.

I also love seeing pictures and quotes from some of those humorous mums (and dads) on social media. If you need a laugh (which we all do, particularly at the moment) there are lots of funny souls out there – I especially like The Unmumsy Mum and Michael McIntyre’s recent YouTube video is hilarious.

Children are struggling with the “new normal”

Although we have a “new normal” it seems as though children are feeling a great deal of loss about what they had before, and we, as adults, can’t guarantee that their future will look the same. Children of both friends and clients are showing anxiety about this in different ways – disrupted sleep, wetting themselves, becoming preoccupied with COVID, withdrawing and becoming low. We need to keep supporting them with these, labelling them for them as well as helping them understand what is going on, as best we can. Tina Payne Bryson has written an article in the New York Times about how Discipline Looks Different in a Pandemic – well worth a read.

In a resource I hastily pulled together, Parenting in Lockdown , to help you and your children cope with these unprecedented times I highlighted three areas (which I then changed to four in my next blog!) to concentrate on, to keep you all functioning as best you can with so much uncertainty and anxiety. If you, like me, need to move back from the reflexive to the reflective just have a think about whether you are focusing on these - far more important for yours, and your children’s emotional well-being than pretty much anything else, at the moment.

1. Self-Care: be kind to, and look after, yourself. Don’t put too much pressure on (I have no idea how I expected to both work and home school at the same time) and make sure you actively try to calm both your mind and body.

2. Your Attachment Relationship: with your child: prioritise moments of connection and minimise getting into power struggles (think PACE, and about connecting before correcting behaviour).

3. Explore with you child how they are managing: if they are very little you can make some guesses and see how they respond. They may need help linking their behaviour and feelings with the wider context of what is happening in the world.

4. Develop a coherent story together about these strange times. Help them understand what this is all about, as well as you can, and despite all the uncertainty we are facing.

Reflect and notice the positives

Even the process of writing this blog has made me feel more hopeful and allowed me time to reflect on how I can get myself and my children back to a calmer and happier state.

I am remembering how delightful parenting a toddler can be (even if it is delightfully exhausting). My little one spends a lot of time singing, his favourite songs being “You are My Sunshine” and “Let it Go” (with Elsa’s dramatic hand movements!). When I loosen up and relax into play, leaving behind my fretting about my late assessments or the poor families that I see who are really struggling, some of the things we do together are so much fun.

Our conversations remind me of how curious and imaginative a 3 year old is...

Toddler: “What’s this?”

Me: “A rock” (clearly I wasn’t in the most creative mood; he knew it was a rock)

Toddler: “A rock? No it’s a dinosaur’s brain”

Toddler “Why do bananas have skin? So goats can eat them”.

He’s like a sponge at the moment, learning from his brothers (good and bad!) as well as from his dad and me. It would be amazing if he had friends to play with, and if I had more time to do the things I need to do so I could attend to him properly when I am with him. It's not perfect, far from it, but I am going to make sure I try to cherish those positive moments, of which there are many. I will make a real effort this week to notice all my children more, and create time for just being and chatting with them. I might even join my toddler in a little dawdle!

I came a cross a good quote on Instagram today (although can't remember where it was from): “Human Beings are not Human Doings”. It made me chuckle as well as think!

A Crowdfunding Update

I can’t actually believe it, but we have met our target of £10,000! It feels almost unreal but the Parenting Handbook and Please Stay Here – I Want You Near are going to be ordered this week. I would like to thank the team around me who have been just amazing: Rachel Millson-Hill (illustrator), Claire Payne (marketing), Adam Young (film maker) and Rebecca Ritson (editor). Trying to fit this project in amongst everything else going on has been tricky, and although everyone has had their hands full they have always managed to grab time to support me with this.

We have had pledges from all over the world; the US, Spain, UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. They are still coming in so we may be able to get the second book in the series out sooner than expected (Rachel, get your pens at the ready!). Please do continue to share and pledge to pre-order the books if you haven’t done so already at www.crowdfunder.co.uk/parenting-through-stories. I had an email from a therapist in Canada today wanting to buy the whole series so we need to get cracking!

I hope this week is manageable for everyone and that you find moments of joy.

Sarah

A Reflective “Bagoon"

Wed, 15 Apr 2020 20:14:44 GMT

My “new” life involves a lot of change, as I’m sure does yours. When we first went into lockdown, the predictability, which is so helpful for young children, fell by the wayside as my partner and I tried to negotiate who was the more important keyworker and who should stay-at-home with the children (I seem to have ended up with both roles!).

We have now fallen into a new routine with just the five of us (plus a cat, some aqua dragons, and a huge amount of clutter) within our four walls. Despite still working, my load has much reduced and I’m actually getting into the slowness of life and finding time to breathe. My normal rush home from work without having prepared dinner has turned to cooking three proper meals three times this week. A creativity I didn’t know existed has risen and my children and I have come up with our own graffiti tags for the back wall (the end product isn’t quite what I’d imagined), created a clay fish treasure hunt and had great fun with quizzes and board games. I hadn’t found time for enough of these things before now.

Before I go on, and you start thinking this is one of those manufactured blogs where I am painting the perfect family life even at such a difficult time, it’s important to let you know that it’s not harmonious in my house much of the time. Sibling rivalry can be extreme with someone always feeling left out and, no matter what new and exciting things I introduce, I can’t quite live up to hanging out with peers which my oldest two are desperately in need of. The reluctance to help around the house is mind-boggling and my toddler has hit his terrible twos with a vengeance (I think this is also lockdown induced). The days can feel very very long.

Although I love and miss city life (where I have lived most of my life) right now there is nowhere I would rather be than home in Cornwall where we are lucky enough to be able to cycle to the beach for our daily exercise. We came across the most beautiful lagoon (quickly renamed a “bagoon” by my now three-year old) when we last visited the beach. It was tropical and warm and we let ourselves relax into the water – pretty idyllic especially within the context of the world being in crisis.

Then I looked around and saw a barren beach, one normally sprawling with tourists on a sunny Easter weekend.

I stepped out of my bubble and wondered how other families must be managing, those in over-run tower blocks, living with abusive partners, or watching their loved ones going to work and worrying about their health. A feeling of guilt arose. How could I be enjoying this enforced freedom with so much suffering in the world? Was it OK to be able to slow down, enjoy the children and actually notice things around me? I wasn’t sure.

But I had to acknowledge that there are some good things happening for me and my family, none of which I introduced on purpose but a by-product of this terrible situation. I am noticing birdsong, starfish and snakes and even gave a dying bee some water and watched him use his proboscis (I think that’s the word – I’m harking back to GCSE biology now!) to drink some. I remember taking great pleasure in saving insects as a child and this took me right back. I am even getting fitter (although am not sure that the evening wine consumption complements the bike riding). Most importantly, I am properly connecting with my children and getting to know them better. These are all things that I had forgotten to do in a meaningful way, being so pressured by the other tasks of daily life.

I reflected, by that bagoon that yes, it is OK to enjoy and learn from the positives despite what is going on around us. I want my children to learn the importance of being in the moment, noticing what is around and not having to always do. I’d like them to recognise how wonderful it is to connect with others (even when social distancing is ruling our society). These seem like especially important skills in times of adversity. Grounding ourselves and noticing the little things that make us feel positive are so helpful when all else is so out of our control.

These are the key things I have been reminded of, something to think about to get us all through this difficult time.

· We all need to be in nature, however we can. It helps our bodies feel calmer

· We all need connection, to help us feel understood and part of a group (however limited that may be at this time)

· We all need physical activity to keep our minds and bodies fit

· We need to reflect upon what our priorities are for when this is over

I don’t think it’s an indulgence to embrace the positives that this time brings, but I do feel privileged to be in my position. Many are not in the same boat and I recognise that they are experiencing the crisis in a very different way to me, with much less time to reflect, connect and feel safe.

I have a group of old school friends on WhatsApp, one of whom is a Consultant Virologist. I often wonder whether I should be sharing my current situation with her – foraging for wild garlic when she is saving lives feels rather frivolous. But she likes the reminder that there is beauty outside the pain. And that there is hope for the future. We have already organised a post corona bagoon party for when this is all over.

Where are the children in all this?

Enough about me and my naval gazing! I am well aware that this is a blog about parenting and all I have been doing is writing about what I have been learning! I do strongly believe that the key to feeling more confident and competent as parents is to look after ourselves and reflect upon our own lives. I’d say now is a pretty important time for this. Focusing upon self-care isn’t just to model to your children being kind to yourself is important but to make you more available to them. I’ve already written a brief resource on how to support your children through this time, highlighting the need for self-care, attachment, explore what they are feeling and help them develop a coherent story. Whilst this is not a linear process, self-care really does need to come first.

I was reminded this morning when I overheard Bartley and Nudge having this conversation how I need to continue to help my children make sense of what is going on. I did notice that their rhyming talk wasn’t quite a flowing as normal (!).

It was nice to swim

But no one’s around

Not in the caves

They couldn’t be found

Oh Bartley poor thing

How tricky for you

Did it feel like

there was nothing to do?

You’re probably confused

Maybe feeling quite sad

It is a hard time

Are you feeling bad?

Yeah Nudge you’re right.

This virus is mean

It still doesn’t let me

Play with my team

I miss them so much

I want all my friends

Please let me know

When will it end?

There may be a new norm, but it’s still a time of confusion and uncertainty for children.

My youngest child is still using superhero powers to rid the world of the Coronavirus, speaking about it a few times a day, showing me how present it is in his mind. He was so excited when he thought our local shop was open again only to be upset that it was just serving out of the front door as it has been since the lockdown. It was his birthday yesterday and he was clearly disappointed he couldn’t see his friends. So hard for him to understand at such a young age.

My middle child, who is an emotional soul, is very up and down. He is struggling to sleep and is clearly very anxious about the situation and this is coming out in heightened anxiety about lots of other things.

My oldest has become rather withdrawn and unusually rude to me.

I’m trying to remain open and engaged with them and to help them label how they are feeling and make sense of the situation in a way they can understand. I’m reminding myself that my children are still struggling, are showing this to me in different ways, and that it’s my job to keep it together and help them with this. Keeping up a PACE attitude (towards myself and them) makes this much easier.

Despite waxing lyrical about how well I’m coping, and how lucky we are, frayed tempers are becoming more frequent. A couple of times I have had to take myself off to my bedroom for a little sob when the enormity of others’ suffering hits and the family atmosphere is fractious. I miss my friends and family, their warmth and fun. I’d like a break from the children and to see my clients in person. Like my three-year old I would rid the world of this virus if I had a superpower.

We have achieved 85% of our crowdfunding campaign target and we really appreciate all the support you have given us, especially at this tricky time. There is still time to pledge to pre-order our children's book, "Please Stay Here - I Want You Near", to support little ones through separation anxiety - a resource that we believe will be very helpful come September when children start school and pre-school. You can also pledge for our Parenting Handbook which we are making available straight away because it has lots of advice which is applicable to support parents through lockdown.

Stay safe and healthy,

Sarah

"I’m a dinosaur and I’ve scared the Coronavirus away"

Tue, 07 Apr 2020 20:36:06 GMT

Well, we are two weeks into lockdown, and our whole lives have been turned upside down. There’s no obvious end in sight, the news is desperately sad to listen to, and some of us will have had the experience of knowing someone with COVID-19 or may have even lost someone to the virus. A devastating and worrying time for all.

I posted a short resource earlier this week, outlining some tips on how to help you and your child through this tricky time, you can find this on www.parentingthroughstories.com/parenting-resources

An admission of an omission

However, I missed a key part of advice in the resource. One of the main points of Parenting Through Stories is to ensure we pay close attention to children’s experiences. I sort of forgot about that. Yes, I highlighted the importance of helping children create a narrative about what is happening and being curious about what they may be feeling, but I didn’t actively suggest asking them how they were finding the lockdown and their thoughts about COVID-19. I wrote a very parent-led piece of advice and would like to add to this here by including the child’s voice. I had, inadvertently, moved away from the “we” to the “me” and “you”. Particularly at times like these we need to focus upon “we”.

I’m rectifying this mistake within the ethos of Parenting Through Stories by drawing upon the PACE model.

I’m not berating myself for missing something so important, but accepting that it’s been an unusual couple of weeks in which I have been trying to work out how to juggle work and home schooling alongside a deep sense of sadness about the predicament we find ourselves in. I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders!

Instead of being annoyed at myself (I of all people should surely have checked in with how my children are feeling) I’m curious about why this is. For me it's curiosity that’s the first thing to go when I’m feeling stressed, something which is likely to relate to my own experiences of being parented. I’m trying to put this back in now!

I’m letting myself sit with my own feelings about what is happening, not dismissing them or minimising them, just allowing them. I think this is helping me get through this time. I know I can’t be as on top of my life as I normally would be.

The beauty of taking an attachment focused approach is that you can (and will) make mistakes, and that, if you can be “PACEy” on yourselves you can notice these, learn from them, and repair some of those experiences of disconnection you will have had with your children.

How is it for children?

As well as canvassing some friends on how their children (aged 2-15) are managing, I have now properly asked my boys how they are feeling about COVID-19 and the changes in their lives that it has led to. Obviously, this is a very small sample of relatively privileged children - our situations will be massively different from others’ - but meaningful nonetheless.

What we have all noticed is how accepting our children are of the restrictions imposed on them, yes, there have been complaints:

“No friends….no fun”.

”It makes me feel annoyed as it’s stopping me from playing with my friends”.

“I’m really lonely” to which her mum said, “but I’m here”, the response was “but you’re always working”.

"It makes me feel sad…the Coronavirus is big”.

But all the older children have accepted the changes without making a fuss. They realise that we need to stay in and that it’s for a greater good, despite being a bit more glum. They have been able to notice some positives:

“Not having to do much work…being off school has been good”

“There have been some good things like cycling to the beach”

"Reconnecting with old friends"

It seems as though the older children are able to say what they feel, and are enjoying some of the changes, particularly the slower pace of life (note to self, when things get back to some sort of normality don’t over commit to every after school activity).

However, the little ones in the group seemed to struggle more. My two year old has been much more clingy than normal (which surprised me as I am around much more) and is clearly struggling with the change to his normal routine. My friend’s three year old was described as “playing up and pushing the boundaries more” and as “behaving a bit weirdly”. She has become obsessed with TV which had turned into a “real battle”. She was also asking for play dates and becoming upset when she couldn’t have them. As toddlerhood is a time of independence, wanting control and needing to explore, these changes must be really hard for them.

As well as being more clingy (I literally can’t leave his side) my two year old is trying to magic the Coronavirus away – he told me that he became a dinosaur and scared it away. He also told me that he had put it all in the bin. It is obviously a very hard concept for small children to get their heads around – something invisible that makes you poorly must be very scary, and it’s not surprising that they bring out their imaginary superpowers to fend it off.

So, remember to ask what your children are actually thinking and feeling, instead of just telling them what you think is going on for them. I’m certainly going to do more of this.

Explore together…

My advice earlier this week suggested three main areas to focus on to help you and your child cope with the current situation:

1. Self-Care – look after yourselves

2. Your relationship with your child (attachment relationship) – stay connected and provide safety, nurture and containment

3. Help your child develop a coherent story – make things less confusing and more predictable

I would add a fourth:

4. Actively explore what your child is thinking and feeling – ask directly about how they understand what is going on, what they are feeling about the changes, if they have any worries. This will help no end with helping them develop a coherent story which really makes sense to them.

Our crowdfunding campaign is going well and we really appreciate all the support you have given us, especially at this tricky time. There is still time to pledge to pre-order our children's book, "Please Stay Here - I Want You Near", to support little ones through separation anxiety - a resource that we believe will be very helpful come September when children start school and pre-school. You can also pledge for our Parenting Handbook which we are making available straight away because it has lots of advice which is applicable to support parents through lockdown.

Apologies that this is later than our normal blogs – the days seem to be merging together and all sense of time has gone out of the window! Keep following our social media for more advice about how to support your families and see updates about our crowdfunding campaign.

Stay safe and healthy.

Sarah

GROUND-BREAKING PARENTING DOESN’T HAVE TO MOVE THE EARTH - Take it at your own PACE

Sun, 29 Mar 2020 10:54:31 GMT

9am.

I know it’s been a figuratively earth-shattering week, but why is the earth actually moving?

A portentous rumble ripples sporadically through my village. What fresh hell is this?

I head upstairs for better vantage across the fields to the houses beyond…

I hear music, I see movement. Is that a sweatband?

Something momentous is happening: Joe Wicks is happening.

The nation’s at home and on their feet, jumping, pumping and pressing their bodies into the new day.

Much about this era is unexpected, but top of the list is this new fervour for co-ordinated exercise.

Erasing unhelpful Orwellian references from my cynical mind (The Physical Jerks - eek), I make a note to get the fam involved tomorrow. It seems to be buoying up everyone else, and I’ll happily sample a piece of positivity pie, even if it takes the form of peskily perky P.E.

How are you?

I’m hearing shifts in our language, subtle changes which point to the huge tectonic recalibration of society’s priorities, goals and systems.

Note our salutations.

‘See you later’ seems to have fallen by the way-side: the hopeful, ‘Stay well’, in its place.

And it’s important that we do: we must. Parenting just got more complex, the stakes, higher, and the challenges changing daily. Wellness - physical and emotional - just got more difficult to attain and sustain.

There’s an odd discord in Cornwall as I write this blog…the sun is shining, the beaches should be filling and the shoulder season shrug into the bustle of the Easter hols.

Yet, as spring unfurls, we retreat, snail-like.

The anticipation of the external liberation that warmer days and mellower winds allow has been halted: and we’re forced to limit our expectations, reduce our world and close the doors.

Our families’ metaphorical new buds have been nipped by this unexpected frost: spring, it feels, isn’t blossoming.

Perhaps this is why, despite social feeds full of tips, timetables, lycra and wholesomeness, it can be challenging to own this moment. To decide how to parent, nurture, support, even feed, your family. How to suddenly be their whole world: parent and teacher and entertainer and buddy and cook and role model.

I think it’s important to acknowledge that a hollowing out - or, a stripping down - has happened. Pressing on as normal, is one stiff upper-lip too far.

So, what does this look like?

First: talk.

Discussing Covid-19 and the new patterns of behaviours we need to assume could be a starting point for crafting your family’s response and calming little minds as they too adjust to an altered routine.

Sarah discussed the importance of talk in PACE parenting in last week’s blog and there are some helpful bits, specific to coronavirus, to help

Second. Take a breath. Since when was parenting easy? You’ve got this. Really, you do.

When you’d just figured out how to get little Jimmy to eat broccoli, he started wetting the bed. And decided he didn’t like Tuesdays. But you handled it.

When Samantha finally stopped sucking her thumb, but would only fall asleep with three bedtime stories, two rounds of twinkle twinkle and her blankie (which must not ever - NEVER - be cleaned) wrapped just-so around the fourth finger of her left hand - and a cold pillow - you handled it.

And when school’s out, work’s shut or limited, there’s beans and something which might be a gherkin in the fridge, you’ll handle it.

Parents’ resilience is tempered by years of operating on minimal sleep, tantrums and emotional turbulence.

In a crisis, the parents will take a deep breath, give a quick backward glance at the perennially untouched cuppa, grab a wet-wipe and head into the fray.

Whether you’ve colour-coordinated your family’s schedule or have decreed a week-long pyjama party, you’re exactly where you need to be. Doing exactly the right thing.

Their shelter in a storm

Because whilst it does feel like we have lost something fundamental to our lives - some core of our beings, whether that’s work, routine, personal freedoms or even our health - really, our core remains: these little people and our little world, enormous with love.

Acknowledging, and labelling, feelings is a key part of the PACE approach and is illustrated by Bartley’s mum in the lift-the-flap book we’re Crowdfunding to publish, ‘Please Stay Here - I Want You Near’.

And what does she do to help Bartley cope with his worry? See it. Accept it. And give him a big bear hug.

Whilst there’ll be no swimming lessons or soft-play for a while, these things on some level are extraneous. Distractions, happy ones, but they are not fundamental: you are.

You are their firmament. You are their world now, but always have been.

If you’ll allow me to switch metaphors, you are your family’s tree…

Your roots will ground them, you will protect them - and they’ll swing on your branches until the parks re-open. (Good luck with that!)

Standing still, being present, will be enough. Your children will blossom under your care - have faith in that.

And the thing about spring, is that it’s been happening for weeks, below the ground, in the roots, deep in the earth. Nature’s resilience, its power, pulses unseen.

Just as yours does.

Spring will come, as will the return of the spring in our steps. Until then, talk, take a look at our PACE resources in our other blogs for a resilience boost and try to stay grounded.

As Sarah mentioned last week, until the Crowdfunding comes to an end we can’t get the Parenting Handbook to print but if you are interested in receiving a pdf copy please contact us through our Crowdfunding page or email hello@parentingthroughstories.com. If you can afford it we would be grateful if you could pledge (even a small amount) but, if you’re really struggling financially, we will send it out to you for free. At times like this we need to focus on supporting each other as best we can.

Now, pass me the lycra…I’m coming for you, Wicks.

Stay well, everyone.

Becks

Find me and more of my writing at www.rebeccaritson.com

On Twitter @rebeccawrites

On Instagram @rebeccaritsonwrites

Mother's Day: A time for reflection, mantras and parenting in a new era

Sun, 22 Mar 2020 14:03:48 GMT

I’m sitting in a hotel, overlooking the sea with a gin and tonic. I have had a whole day to myself, with a quick swim at lunch, to think about what to write. It needs to be witty and helpful. I need to avoid psychobabble and connect with people. I have looked into the history of Mother’s Day, written about my experiences as a mum and daughter, and come up with a polished and very clever blog.

Tomorrow, I will have breakfast in bed (after a lie in) followed by a relaxing morning with the newspapers, whilst the children help tidy the house ready to go to school on Monday. I’ll have a quick surf and then be taken out for lunch, will have a massage thrown in and then a few glasses of wine (I won’t be designated driver). The children won’t argue and will be truly thankful for all I have done for them over the last decade.

From the ideal to the real!

I actually have a half an hour window to write this, within which I have to breast feed a toddler and get him to sleep (not quite following my bedtime routine advice tonight!). Extensive searching on interesting titbits about Mother’s Day won’t happen (the American incarnation of Mother’s Day was created by Anna Jarvis in 1908 – that’s all I know about it from a quick Google search!). It’ll be hard to come up with anything funny, or a clever play on words, due to the dull headache I have been sporting all week, alongside underlying anxiety about the next few months (home schooling, working, self-employment, mortgage breaks, parents being OK etc.). The boys will try their best tomorrow, although I will not get a lie in, there will be many arguments and we won’t be able to go to any hotels, restaurants or spas. They will not tidy the house nor be going to school on Monday.

I have decided to lower my expectations radically and try to focus on those special moments of connection – all too easy not to notice at times like these. I’ll embrace the traditional conversation:

“Mum, why is there a Mother’s Day when there is no Children’s Day?”

”Because every other day is a Children’s Day sweetie”,

“No it’s not, I don’t always get presents and you make me do things I don’t want to do”.

I’ll remember the enjoyable times I have had with my family over the last year and play the “yes no” game and “tennis-elbow-foot”. I won’t berate myself for their bad behaviour, and I won’t get involved in their arguments (depending on how heated they become!). I will remind myself that my children love me, despite the mistakes I regularly make, and that they show this in their own ways. I will try to embrace motherhood, and all it brings. I will be thankful that my own mum is still around and has been a wonderful parent to me all these years. I will be sad that I can’t see her because she is self-isolating.

Strange times

What a turn our worlds have taken over the last couple of weeks. Yes, it was always hard being a parent, trying to get it right, struggling with tricky behaviours, and always feeling like we could have done better. Now, the pressure is really on. I guess there’s not one of you reading this who isn’t already feeling the strain. Unfortunately, it is likely to get worse before it gets better. It’s going to be an exhausting few months.

Who would have thought our already busy (often unmanageable) lives would become more of a juggle? How are we going to extend our roles to teachers whilst also trying to ensure we stay sane? When are we going to catch up with friends, and get that social connection we really need to keep us going? How are we going to help our children understand what is going on? How are we going to stay at home for three months? Are we going to be able to get enough food? Are our own parents going to be OK? So many questions which we have never had to consider before, so few answers.

It really is true that times are unprecedented and we are going to have to be creative and resilient to cope. We will need to model to our children that, even when the going gets tough, we will manage. We can continue to be playful, accept the big feelings our children are having, help them understand them and share them. We will need to draw upon our communities, forge new connections, learn from others and take care of both our physical and emotional health.

My New Mantra

I am going to try to put all that I have learned about what helps children into place.

I am going to be as consistent, routined and nurturing as I can.

I will be honest and open with my children.

I will acknowledge how big the changes are for myself and my children, how unsettling things are and know that it’s OK to be wobbled by them.

I am going to notice the positives amongst a backdrop of sadness.

I am going to celebrate those little things in life.

I am going to spend less time worrying about the trivial, and more time living in the moment.

I am going to continue to make mistakes, probably more than usual.

I am going to accept that I am doing my best at a difficult time.

I am going to remember that being “good-enough” is better than aspiring for perfection.

I am going to (finally) declutter my house!

My first venture into preparing for home schooling was quite enjoyable – buying some Fimo took me right back to my youth. I’m looking forward to creating more with my children over the forthcoming months. (I’m not sure my first effort counts but I did find it pretty funny!). I think I’m going to learn a lot.

The Parenting Handbook…sooner rather than later please!

Despite so much financial uncertainty for all, we have raised almost £2000 over the first week of our Crowdfunding Campaign . I am so grateful for this support and just wish we could get the books out sooner – now is a time that they might be particularly handy. For this reason, I would like to make the Parenting Handbook (which helps you deal with tricky times in the early years – covering emotional and behavioural development and specific developmental challenges such as separation anxiety, healthy eating, bedtime routines, tricky behaviours and potty training) available more quickly.

Until the Crowdfunding comes to an end we can’t get the Parenting Handbook to print but if you are interested in receiving a pdf copy please contact us through our Crowdfunding page or email hello@parentingthroughstories.com. If you can afford it we would be grateful if you could pledge (even a small amount) but, if you’re really struggling financially, we will send it out to you for free. At times like this we need to focus on supporting each other as best we can.

How to support your children (and yourselves) during this time

I have already been putting some advice on our social media about helping your child understand and cope with what is going on in the world. Please feel free to add any specific questions you might have and I will respond as soon as I can. With my background in working with children who have experienced adversity the key points I would make is that you need to help them:

· Feel safe and contained (therefore very important that you work on feeling this yourselves)

· Understand what’s happening (in child friendly language)

“Hey Nudge, pre-school’s off

I really don’t see why,

I wanted to see all my friends

I can’t even say goodbye”

“Oh Bartley, it’s just so hard

There is a lot that’s new

We have to stay at home much more

Of course it’s confusing you”

“We need to stay away from people

For a pretty long time

It’s to stop an illness spreading more

You’re worried, and that’s fine”

Children are likely to make up stories about what is going on (which can end quite catastrophically) and often have many worries that they are not always able to talk about. I saw a little girl a few days ago who was full of anxiety – she told me how worried she was about her family dying and how her asthma made it likely that she would too. Helping her understand COVID-19 (as much as her parents and I could) opened up the possibility that this was not an inevitable (in fact very unlikely) outcome. The relief on her face was just wonderful to see.

Talking about changes (which children will be well aware of and probably very confused about – “How come I am not going to school when I haven’t seen anything change?") will not open a can of worms or make things worse. It will help them feel understood and more able to say how they are feeling – enabling them to express this through words rather than feelings. Try to use the PACE approach as much as you can (see previous blogs about that) and, if things are overwhelming for you and you feel disconnected with your child explain why and repair that rupture.

Most important in all of this though is you – if you look after yourself both you and your children will benefit immensely. Check your own feelings, share your anxieties with friends, try not to worry if you don’t understand your child’s work (I’ve already been banned from “teaching” maths), let yourself feel sad about the pandemic and the impact it is having on so many, eat healthily and exercise. Remember your child may regress and you may find it harder to parent with the added pressures. You won’t be alone in this and it doesn’t mean you are getting it wrong.

Dan Siegal talks about a “Healthy Mind Platter” which you might want to have a look at to think about what self-care entails https://www.drdansiegel.com/resources/healthy_mind_platter/

Speaking of which, my son is asleep, my work is done and, instead of checking for grammatical errors (sorry for any wordsmiths out there), I am going to have a bath and go to bed!

Let’s honour motherhood for all the things you have done so far, and for the love and support you are going to continue to give your children over the next few months. Please be kind to yourselves too.

Happy Mother’s Day all.

Sarah x

Dr Sarah Mundy

Creator and Author of Parenting Through Stories

You may find a document, 'FACE COVID' created by Russ Harris a useful resource. ‘FACE COVID’ is a set of practical steps for responding effectively to the Corona crisis, using the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). You can view it here https://bit.ly/3bfQCBq

Tea and Empathy: embody the final element of the PACE approach for compassionate parenting…

Sat, 14 Mar 2020 21:28:16 GMT

Grab a cup of tea - perhaps from our Crowdfunder partner Small & Wild - and cosy up on the sofa. I want to tell you a story…

This is the tale of the birth of my second son, Woody, who was born at home.

Ah, home-births…

Scented candles.

Fairy lights.

Hand-written affirmations.

Birthing playlist.

Whale-song.

Yeah, no. That’s someone else’s story. Mine, typically, is a little rougher around the edges.

Not that I hadn’t wanted those things, but I learned from my thwarted first home-birth attempt. At three hours from start to his beginning, my eldest’s impatience to land earth-side meant we didn’t have time to even blow the damn birth-pool up.

Hence why the midwife looked aghast when I suggested a local birthing centre for number two:

Do not get in a car. You’ll be giving birth at home. Make sure you have old towels. Lots of them. More than you think you’ll need.

I’d had a hypno-birthy trouble-free labour the first time around, and an awesome doula lady in my corner (shout out to Terri @ Cornwall Hypnobirthing), so her decree was more pragmatic than draconian.

So far, so gravy.

In a sleep-trend that’s continued throughout his now 16 months, Woody started to party at 4.30am.

I had two phone-calls to make: one to the midwife and one to our baby-sitter to come and look after our eldest so the husband could feed me honey, gave me back massages, whisper birthing affirmations…oh, sorry, reality: loose his bananas at the 999 call handler who kept telling him to lay me on my back…

Mate, there’s no (expletives removed) way she’s laying on her (expletives removed) back. No, I’m not going to (expletives removed) ask her. No, I’m not going to (expletives removed) tell her.

She’s an autonomous being successfully guiding our son down the birth canal, along with her handy friend, GRAVITY. You total (expletives removed).

In hindsight, I should have been a little hastier to make those calls. By 5 am, whilst speaking to the midwife, things progressed to the point where I really couldn’t.

Husband was advised to call 999 as, “There isn’t a cat in hell’s chance of Sandra arriving in time.” (Disclosure: I don’t think the midwife was called Sandra, but you get the gist).

He rushed downstairs to check on our now awake two year old and open the door for imminent (ha!) paramedics.

I knelt over the bed: a position I would remain in from this point onwards. We hadn’t bothered with the birth-pool this time around - saving both a few quid and a lot of hassle.

The time between surges was now barely a minute. All sorts of things were happening. (Let’s just say a new duvet was required and thank goodness we have wooden floors).

Husband went to wash his hands. And breathe deeply.

I then turn to see my - soon to be biggest - boy hovering in the doorway, taking in the scene: mummy leaning over the bed, naked and mooing.

After a second or so of deliberation, he walked over and, without saying a word, popped his two toy comforters - the Bun Buns - next to me. He took a bedraggled bunny ear and lightly stroked my cheek. I felt my breathing regulate.

The babysitter arrived with the next surge and she scooped him up to the succour of breakfast and Paw Patrol - whose theme tune was to be the soundtrack to my final moments of labour. Classic.

True to character, Woody made quite the entrance after a labour of only 90 minutes. He crowned as a first responder ran up the stairs, donning his gloves to catch him. A cornucopia of medical personal followed, totalling at one point five paramedics in two ambulances, a patrol car and last, but not least, the long-suffering Sandra who bossed the situation like a good ‘un.

They all were very nice, and did a lovely job of helping the hubby clear up.

People marvel at a lot of things about this labour: its brevity, my luck, lack of pain relief, the amount of biscuits the paramedics ate and the husband’s handling of bodily fluids…but the thing that sticks with me, is my eldest’s empathy.

Despite the odd situation, and I’m sure a degree of fear, he placed my (apparent) distress above his own.

And that act is what defines my last birth for me…the pain, the panic and the palaver fade, but that act of love will endure. (Along with the new-born snuggles in my own bed. Bliss.)

In the end, empathy

The fourth and final component of PACE is, of course, empathy. It’s not just coincidence that it sits at the end of the acronym: empathy is perhaps the ultimate goal - an empathetic attitude the destination we’re hoping to get to both in our parenting and as humans.

Sarah explains a little more about this facet of the PACE approach in the Parenting Handbook which accompanies Bartley’s Books.

“Empathy is a way of showing that you care about your child’s world and, when things are difficult, are able to cope with these feelings, share them and help your little one with them. As well as feeling cared for and understood by parents, children who experience this develop empathy more quickly themselves - an important life skill.”

Nudge embodies both curiousity and empathy as he reflects on Bartley’s responses in the first lift-the-flap story: ‘Please Stay Here - I Want You Near’. Engaging in this interactive element of the book flexes your little’s - and your own - empathetic muscle.

Ego. Errors. Enemies.

As empathy is something we can teach and that we learn, I hold onto the ‘birthing Bun Buns’ anecdote as evidence I am doing something right. Sometimes.

Because there are many less than perfect moment; many of my own empathetic errors.

The enemy of empathy? Ego. Our own needs sometimes get in the way of getting it ‘right’ on the empathy front…

World Book Day. Cue sinister mood music. The day every kid dresses up as their favourite film character.

As the glue-guns of the world cool, we can inspect the abomination that is March 5th - a wound perhaps still raw for many of you.

Now, I’m a book-loving mother…I read, I write, I even teach them, but the cold horror of WBD makes me detest the written word, albeit briefly.

My pet hates?

1. Supermarkets. Pushing to the end-of-aisles, not books, but over-priced costumes targeted at frantic or forgetful parents. I caved this year. He went as Batman. What? It’s comic book, right?

2. ‘Where’s Wally?’ costumes. Yes, it’s a book. But of very few words. It’s like, 98%, pictures. Its POINT is pictures. What do you mean, ‘Just like a comic?’ (N.B. It’s redeeming feature is that it’s a fun ‘read’ with two of you…deepening your attachment relationship.)

3. Social media brags - mine included: reels of home-made, home-sewn, couture pieces referencing books WAY BEYOND THE READING AGE of the kids…it’s unashamed parent-gloating territory and it rots my soul.

And actually, it’s partly my feeding of the insatiable social-media monster which morphs World Book Day into WBD (Worst Bloody Day).

I get it wrong every year.

Hours spent on the design. Pulling all-nighters on the construction. Thrifted, foraged and re-purposed items. Top drawer mumming. Gold star, please.

And then the big reveal, “Look what Mummy’s made for you…”

Cue sinister mood music.

And will the little blighters smile nicely for the camera? Will they sit still?

Will they even WEAR the damn things?

Roundly, no. No they won’t.

Cue my rants:

Why do I bother? Can’t you see how hard I’ve tried? Stop being so selfish…do you know how long this took?

Ah, there’s the rub.

Although I’m yelling at them to empathise with MY efforts, really I should be empathising with their response.

Mummy - exuding fumes of stress and desperation and coffee - proffering an itchy waistcoat, tight hat, twitching with little sleep, too much caffeine, hands bloodied from errant needles and staples - YES, STAPLES - with orange fuzzy felt super-glued in her hair like a rabid Gruffalo…well, even the most chilled kid is going to pick up some less than sanguine vibes.

No wonder, then, that they reflect back what I am giving out. Tantrums. Tears. Toxicity.

In the end, none of this is about them - and only glancingly about books.

Even with the best of intentions, this yearly exercise is mostly about my ego and my needs…to look good at the school-gate or on a social feed - no wonder that they don’t understand, no wonder that they freak out slightly (a lot).

I need to empathise with them and act differently, lowering my expectations and understanding and accepting their emotional response to what I would class as innocuous fancy-dress.

Embody + Emulate

The trick with empathy is that it’s an attitude we need to refresh daily.

My takeaway from World Book Day?

A reminder to play fancy dress. Myself.

To imagine life in their little clothes and walk for a second in their tiny shoes.

To show them I am trying to understand. That I am curious about their inner world. That I care enough to take time to explore their feelings…that I love enough to empathise.

The birthing Bun Buns had no magic salve, but they relieved my pain. Or rather, my son’s empathy did.

Empathy does that: it is portable pain-relief.

Sometimes it feels like empathy is in short supply - but actually, its stocks are limitless, self-replenishing and cumulative.

If we apply it, we can heal each other and ourselves.

Becks x

www.rebeccaritson.com

@rebeccaritsonwrites

The Crowdfunder campaign is now live! You can pledge to pre-order our children's book, "Please Stay Here - I Want You Near" and our Parenting Handbook here on our crowdfunding page: www.crowdfunder.co.uk/parenting-through-stories

Curiouser and Curiouser: why we all should ask ‘Why?’ more often…

Sun, 08 Mar 2020 12:01:14 GMT

I’m wrestling, sorry, ‘dressing’, the littlest on his changing table. It’s 6.20am and basically lunch-time given the hour we were all awake.

I’m being kicked: he’s fifteen months and is discovering boundaries. Mine, mostly.

The dog is eyeing up his discarded nappy, but I’m employing effective resistance in the form of a shin and a few staccato, ’Aways!’.

I like to think I’m doing ‘intermittent fasting’ because it sounds grown-up and very 2020, but the truth is I just don’t have time to eat.

The biggest little is careering around the house on an imaginary race-track. Naked. He might be Batman, or is it Blaze this morning?

Either way, myself and his bro are part of the scenario and as he swerves past there’s a call to assume my role and I’m to parrot a line of dialogue - the right line - from the scene playing in his head.

After lap 58, he pulls up, brakes screeching. I’m still dancing with the dog and manipulating the baby into his leggings.

‘Sky?’ (I’m now Sky, from Paw Patrol, obviously.)

‘Yes, Batman?’

‘No, I’m Blaze,’ says Blaze with a long-suffering roll of his eyes.

‘Yes, Blaze?’

I’m anticipating the usual, ‘Let’s get those guys!’ Or maybe a, ‘Watch me fly / ride / jump off the couch narrowly missing gouging my eyes out on the coffee table.’

So I’m a little floored when he asks, ‘How do magnets work?’

The baby is now standing and drumming on my head, the dog looks demure, but I know she’s planning something.

‘Well, they are opposites, so they erm, so they stick together.’

‘Why?’

I’m not sure if the pounding in my head are the baby’s fists or the internal combustion of my last shred of sanity.

Surely, this is the question all parents dread.

One solitary word and we see the vortex - we’re teetering on the edge of the rabbit hole, peering into the abyss of asking, answering and oblivion.

Because we all know…once they start, the ‘whys’ will never cease.

There will be no answer we can give that will oblate the querying, satiate the hunger, satisfy their curiosity.

I dig deep.

I genuinely want to help him understand. Explain without patronising, with efficacy and clarity. Give the perfect reply to provide the answer - and nip this question-spiral in the bud. And then maybe have a cup of coffee.

‘Magnets have an invisible force that attracts the part of the other magnet that’s not the same and pushes away the part of the other magnet that is the same.’

‘The force is strong: between the opposite parts it almost glues the magnets together, between the part that’s the same, it’s like an invisible wall is built, so you can’t get them to touch.’

There’s a moment of silence. The baby quiets. My son looks up, absorbing my reply. Then his gaze, misty now, falls past me.

And I see it - the actual moment of realisation, of discovery, of understanding. His eyes widen and his mouth falls open.

It’s beautiful - I’ve done it! I’m totally bossing this mum lark.

‘Mummy?’

‘Yes, darling?’ I reply, hoping for a quick, ‘You’re the best…’ or even a, ‘Thank-you for showing me the light of science,’ type of thing.

‘Mummy!’

‘Ginny’s got the nappy AND THERE’S POO ALL OVER THE WALLS!’

Well, at least it wasn’t a question.

I’m chalking that one up as a victory.

Wherefore art thou?

I jest, of course. It’s our role to tend to our kids’ curiosity, whenever its sprouts appear. And I say that through only slightly gritted teeth.

As the third element of the PACE approach to parenting - the over-arching model incorporated into Bartley’s Books, more about which is featured on earlier blogs - curiosity is a vital part of our parenting and to deepening the attachment relationship.

And, perhaps aptly, it’s a curious thing in itself.

As a secondary English teacher, I learned about the multiplicity of curiosity early on in my career.

There was absolutely nothing worse than a sea of blank faces, bored stares, disengaged doodling. (OK, there was - teaching the tome of Bleak House to Year 9s, but that’s a whole other blog…)

Thirty closed doors, saying, ‘Not today, thanks.’

As a teacher, maybe especially as an English teacher, you want, need even, questions from the floor. You want to see they care about the text and its world.

How a teacher gets a class from bored to buzzing is the mark between a good and a great one.

And the answer is in questioning…

Firstly, you need to model curiosity.

Sometimes this is an act.

We’re analysing a text - could be an article, could be a poem, could be a novel. You know what’s there to be found - patterns in words, interesting imagery - but your role is not didactic, you play the discovery game, leading them onwards through questioning, helping them turn over the words to find the beauty, the wit, the intelligence hiding underneath them.

Occasionally though, you find something new yourself - and the revelation elevates the moment beyond the performative.

The lessons I’ll forever remember is when these quests reignited my genuine curiosity - and the kids witnessed the fruits of it with me. My energy effervesced into the group: discovery is a great feeling and they want part of it.

So, being curious yourself is one facet.

But, and this is key, I could wax lyrical for hours about Shakespeare, poetry, rhetoric or whatever and although most would be 50% invested in it, that alone would never get them totally on board - that alone would never get them to trust me. And you can’t teach effectively without trust.

To really get them to be curious in my lessons, I had to be curious about them.

I had to care enough about their inner worlds to ask about them.

Of course, this takes time, but that’s when the lights came on - that’s when the classroom came alive. That’s when doors were opened and whole corridors of possibility opened up.

And it’s the same with parenting.

We need to perform curiousness in a world we already have discovered and take time to be curious about our kids’ inner worlds. A place we might think we know, but probably don’t.

A Nudge in the right direction

The lift-the-flap element to Bartley’s Books is a fundamental part of their brilliance.

Firstly, we hear the voice of a great character, the inquisitive squirrel, Nudge. He’s our guide through the story - talking to us and asking questions about its events. Many of these are around what’s going on in Bartley’s mind, and prompting us to reflect on how his emotions might be influencing his behaviour.

Hmm, I wonder why he didn’t want to go?

Bartley’s frowning, I wonder why.

Nudge personifies (or ‘squirrel’ifies) curiosity.

His function helps children understand Bartley better - and in parallel we hope, themselves. But his wider role is to teach the adult readers about curiosity…he’s modelling the kinds of questions we could be asking our kids outside of reading time.

These little flaps are doors into Bartley’s inner world. And the keys to opening similar doors in our own kids are the simplest of words…what, how, why.

Doors of Perception

In the effluvium of the everyday, it’s tough to retain a curious mind-set. The bills, the to-dos, the worries of life impact on curiousness as much as playfulness (the first element of PACE).

But, the puddle that to us is to be skirted around, to a kid is a croc-infested swamp to be navigated through.

The more we say, ‘Hurry up!’ ‘Careful, don’t get wet!’ the more we’re modelling indifference to the magic they see in the mundanity, and by extension expressing indifference to their world-view, to their perspective and even to their right to it.

So, how do we flex our inquisitive muscle? How do we keep curious?

Of course, it’s all about doors and rabbit holes.

Fairy Secret

My mum has a secret.

In certain quarters the information I’m about to share with you would be front-page news (genuinely), so I’m not disclosing her location, nor her name.

For the last eleven years, someone - ahem - has been on a mission. A mission to spark wonder and tend to the life-long burn of others’ curiosity.

Every spring, after the last frost, in a river-side glade, a host of fairy doors appear.

Nestled in the whorls of gnarled trees, or in the entrances to abandoned bunny labyrinths, these hand-made pottery doors trace a route around a quiet patch of countryside.

The word goes out - The fairies are back!

And then the kids come.

Some in groups, some with grand-parents, some every week, some only once. Many leave letters to the fairies; sometimes the fairies write back.

No-one knows who tells the fairies they can come, no-one knows who paints and tends to their doors.

Well, I do. And now, so do you. But, ssshh.

Clearly, my mum is utterly bonkers and also in possession of a beautiful soul. Call it art-instillation if you like, its intent is purer and maybe even deeper than that; its expression more playful and it’s devoid of ego. It’s all about cultivating curiosity - and making people smile.

Now, I’m not suggesting you pop out to your kiln and whip up some doors yourselves (but, really, you could)…however, the lesson is clear. We adults can be curious, and must take responsibility for being so.

We must encourage exploration and questing behaviour and find newness in the everyday: under rocks, within books, behind doors.

We must go down the rabbit holes.

Why?

I’m so glad you asked.

Because it’s fun.

Because it will deepen our attachment relationships.

Because being curious about the world around them is the only way we should be teaching our kids to be. We should encourage them to open literal doors, imaginary doors and metaphorical doors to ultimately open their minds.

But most vitally, we must cultivate curiosity because in its truest expression curiosity is not just about the world around them, but about themselves and the people around them as well.

Curiosity leads to self-awareness - a fundamental part of happiness.

And curiosity ultimately leads to perhaps the most important quality a human can possess: empathy.

… the final element of PACE.

x Becks

www.rebeccaritson.com

@rebeccaritsonwrites

The big news is that our Crowdfunder campaign goes live this Thursday, the 12th of March!

Put the date in your dairy and head over to our Crowdfunder page when it launches. Not only can you browse our pledging rewards, but also check out our fab film introducing you to Sarah, the picture-books and to the psychological theories which underpin the project.

Parenting Through Stories really needs your support - please share and spread the word and let’s get Bartley’s paw-prints on bookshelves by summer!

Illustrated Living - A chat with Rachel Millson-Hill: the illustrator who puts the ‘art’ in Bartley Bear

Sun, 01 Mar 2020 15:39:29 GMT

Picture the scene…

A university lecture hall. Tiered seating. Rows and rows of business students, some even suited and booted, pens poised to take down the next nugget of macroeconomic theory.

The door flies open. Its bang - like a stone thrown in a pond - ripples through the space. The girl who hustles in creates a similar effect.

She’s not overly late, so that’s not the reason a hundred pairs of eyes fall on her.

The pencil tucked through her blond-hair is maybe a little quirky in comparison to her class-mates’ more corporate look. And the green woollen jumper - which is more holes than wool - is definitely a conversation starter: over-sized on most, on her petite frame it falls below her knees.

But in truth, it’s the purple paint-splattered trousers that really raise the collective eyebrows.

Meet our illustrator, Rachel Millson-Hill. A daub of brightness in a sea of grey.

Easel does it

Fast forward a couple of decades and a couple of kids and, happily, her degree in business is used only to facilitate the design company she now runs in Cornwall. Electing for easel over briefcase, Rachel’s design skills are called upon world-wide and her illustrations for Parenting Through Stories have given Bartley form, fur and his sense of fun.

Before the power of the story can be switched on by a parent’s voice, or the warmth of the reading experience fill a child with security and comfort , the book is selected.

The reading pair settle and the first page is turned.

It’s not actually the words in a children’s book which make the first connection to them - not least because a child requires an adult to decode them…it’s the images which must pull them in.

And Rachel’s do so with the warmth of the fuzzy hug we’d expect from Bartley Bear.

Firm Friends

Perhaps the reason the relationship between words and images in these books is so harmonious is because the people behind each aspect - Sarah and Rachel respectively - have a comparably close relationship. As with so many facets of PTS, their work on this project was preceded by their friendship.

“I have known Sarah since our oldest boys started school together at the age of five,” explains Rachel. “They became firm friends and so did we. When Sarah approached me about illustrating her books I was very excited. With two children of my own, the books struck a real chord and I couldn’t stop ideas popping into my head. I began to draw the characters on my tablet straight after our meeting.”

Tabula Rasa

This impetus to create has been a marker of Rachel’s passions since she could grab a crayon.

“Anything and everything was my canvas. I would create paint out of mud, nail varnish, food...you name it. It must have been very frustrating for my parents! We had an old farmhouse on the Yorkshire moors that my parents were renovating and I turned the crumbling walls into my own giant canvas! My family are either made up of artists or scientists, so it came as no surprise to my parents that I followed an artistic route.”

Cornwall’s rich artistic heritage makes it a natural artist enclave. After her degree in Loughborough, Rachel crossed the Tamar and has never looked back.

She exhibited paintings in galleries around the South West and as technology progressed, so did she - into the digital design world. She’s fashioned ranges of clothing, packaging and logos, however, she describes creating this picture book as a whole new adventure.

“The challenge for me was putting the books together into a printable format,” she explains. “I’m a graphic designer as well as an illustrator, so I had to think logically as to how the book would come together and be print-ready. For example, fitting the text around the illustrations so they had equal importance on the page and creating the spaces and designs for the flaps, which required me to think three dimensionally. The books have to be easy to read and visually stimulating, so logic and creativity both have to interplay, equally.”

The Big Draw

One of the reasons Bartley’s Books are so fantastic to read is that - much like plate-spinning parents! - they operate on many levels, simultaneously: gorgeous rhyme, lovely story, parent and child time and a powerful psychological impact as they embed the PACE approach. And, of course, the lift-the-flap designs within the page revealing Nudge’s questions and interactions (more on Nudge, next week).

What’s clever about Rachel’s drawings is that they too work on many levels.

We’ve noted our young test readers being enamoured with the space theme in ‘Please Stay Here, I Want You Near’, but Rachel has developed the symbolic importance of this motif. She explains further:

“My favourite page has to be the final one of Bartley in his dreams flying off in a space rocket. I love the dark space background against the bright colours of the rocket and Bartley. I feel it really stands out and symbolises a ‘take off’ into a new chapter in his life.”

She admits her favourite character is Bartley -“I’ve spent so much time with him that I feel I know him and his cheeky personality!”

“Although,” she says, “‘Doug’, his astronaut friend, is also great fun to draw. Even though he has to have the same facial expression, (being a toy), his rag-doll body can be illustrated to mirror how Bartley is feeling. I enjoyed adding these dimensions to the pages.”

It’s not just the words that work hard in Bartley’s Books - the illustrations more than pull their weight: conveying character, story and emotion in an engaging and sensitive way.

Picture Perfect

So, what are Rachel’s recommendations for fab picture books to read with kids (aside from Bartley, of course)?

“We all love Oliver Jeffers,” she enthuses. “The kids’ fave book is ‘The Way Back Home’. I especially love his expressive illustrations of the crayons in ‘The Day the Crayons Quit’: he’s very talented and very funny.

Another personal favourite is Chris Haughton who writes and illustrates 'Sshh' and 'Oh no George’, amongst others. The illustrations are simple, bright and really effective…the stories operate with very few words, so the pictures drive the story.”

Heart, Art and Bart

When you think of your favourite children’s books, I’m sure the thoughts conjured will be a powerful concoction of heart-warming stories, resonant lines and striking images.

Whether a poisonous wart on the end of a nose coupled with Axel Scheffler’s signature cartoon style, or perhaps a snozzcumber and Quentin Blake’s iconic line-drawings, the symbiotic relationship between text and image in children’s literature gives picture books their heart-beat…it brings them them to life.

Rachel’s art is at the heart of Bartley: she animated Sarah’s imagination. And in doing so, fired up our own.

…

We’re also pretty animated by the love and the talent in the partnership between Sarah and Rachel. Often creativity is seen as a lone pursuit, but the Parenting Through Stories project has become a testament to the power of the collective and the importance of team-work. And we need you to become part of the collaboration.

Our Crowdfunder to publish these books and celebrate the power of stories launches in less than two weeks…can you help us with the next chapter?

Follow the count-down to the launch on our social channels to find out how.

Until next week…Becks.

@rebeccaritsonwrites

www.rebeccaritson.com

Reel Life: making films and making memories

Sun, 23 Feb 2020 11:07:52 GMT

Rock-pooling

The Parenting Through Stories team are based on Cornwall’s north coast. So no wonder the beach was an important part of the film we’ve been making this week - about which more in a minute.

One of my family’s favourite things to do is go rock-pooling along our craggy shoreline. On less clement days I can evoke a comparable sense of discovery when I look through photo-albums.

Pictures in this form - printed out and stuck into an album - are rock pools. Life teems below their surface, beneath the page, inviting you to dive in and submerge yourself in a technicolour world, perhaps now only sepia-coloured in your memory: the past.

Every foray into these pools disturbs more forgotten life. And you realise, as if you are underwater, that you’ve been holding your breath.

Candid Camera

I’d hunted out some recent-ish albums - maybe of a decade ago - and my three and a half year old was browsing them with me. I’d asked him to find daddy, and was surprised when I pointed out a lad with long hair. His dad now sports a buzz cut ;)

After some rumination he asked, ‘Where are you, Mummy?’

‘I’m taking the picture, hon.’

Living behind the lens is the reality of an avid picture-taker, but when it comes to family shots, being absent from the group pic is a little sad.

We have a plethora of blurry family selfies and whilst I’m happy to consign many days of mum-hood - baggy leggings, even baggier eyes - to oblivion, some evidence of my corporeal self below the neck - beyond a blurry thumb - might one day be nice to revisit.

It makes me think, as I flick through older family albums, of the person behind the lens, of the owners of the floating disembodied thumbs…who is absent? Who is looking on?

Often the most important person is missing from the shot - they’ve removed themselves to capture something. Something that made their heart swell, that they wanted to try and preserve: an image to withstand the warp of time and to sew into the weft of the family’s collective memory.

I really believe, particularly before the ‘insta’ nature of images, this more than diarising or egotistic self-narration: it is an act of love.

For in these pictures, which the photographer absents themselves from, is the quotidian beauty of a family’s fabric. Nothing ‘instagrammable’, but no filter required:

The rug at your parent’s house, long replaced, whose deep pile you can still feel between your toes.

The light of late summer evenings in gardens where you knew every crevice, fairy-house and dragon lair.

The scent of White Lace and cigarettes on the scarf you wrapped yourself up in, still warm on your cheek.

A young woman, floating on a quilt amidst a sea of hexagon patches, hand-sewing.

Although the photograph is black and white, I know the quilt is blue and the hexagons bright.

I know because it’s my granny. And I now have the quilt. Her hand’s work, under mine.

Insta-innocence

I’d argue there was an innocence in my amateur Kodaking and my parent’s shaky Cinefilms, that the knowing GIFS, stories, memes, selfies and hashtags which embellish the images we take and share today just don’t possess.

We can so readily contrive images, and bin them, retake them. The deletion and revision of the moment seems also to hollow it out, somehow.

Now, I’m aware of the fact that Parenting Through Stories is online and we filter and edit and go GIF crazy on some of our pictures. You got me.

And, we’re Crowdfunding, so we’re all aboard the marketing and promo train. Next stop, Campaign Launch (March 12th!).

But, the film we’ve been making this week, is more than a two dimensional piece of online marketing to ‘sell’ our ‘product’. It feels odd even discussing Bartley in that way.

This piece is a filmic patchwork quilt: textured with memory - and with friendship and love woven into every scene.

Why? As with many aspects of this project, it’s all about the story behind the image. And, of course, about the person behind the camera as much as the subject in front of it.

Forever Young

Adam Young is that person behind the camera. A talented filmmaker, he now owns Fine Young Films and worked his way up through the ranks of this notoriously competitive industry from runner to 1st Assistant Director. You won’t see any thumbs in the frame here.

Sarah describes Adam as the is the closest thing she has to a brother.

“We spent all of our school holidays together,” she explains. “Our parents were great friends. We stayed in a little hamlet in Cornwall. There were three families and the children ran wild: in and out of each other’s houses, going to the beach - just playing. Think ‘Swallows and Amazons’ and you get the idea.

“My highlight was our annual film which Adam’s dad made with an old camcorder, dodgy electronic keyboard and amazing plot lines. It’s not surprising Adam ended up in the film industry!”

“Knowing how creative he is and how lovely he is to be around, he was my first port of call. I am thrilled that he’s become part of the project, making the film for our Crowdfunding campaign.”

Never work with…

Adam’s professionalism and organisation guided the two-day shoot - featuring the Parenting Through Stories team, seven locations, fifteen children, eight parents, one nanny, one granny. Oh, and a character we should have known would make herself felt - Mother Nature. Given Adam and Sarah’s history of youthful summers in Cornwall, perhaps it’s fitting that the county insisted on a role in the film.

“After days of squally weather, we dropped everything to do our beach shots with the promise of the single ray of sunshine growing into something more substantial,” recalls Sarah.

“We rallied the troops and marched them and the kit down to the beach. Setting up right in the middle of Mawgan Porth beach - with unseasonal buckets and spades for shots of play! - the heavens opened and an almighty hail storm rained down. Cue adults encircling kids shielding them from some rather vicious shards of ice. Just when we had packed up, and Adam had wiped off his rather expensive and now very wet camera, the sun came out again.”

Ah, Cornwall, we love you.

Quilting Tarantino

‘Quilting’ in the twenty-first century, is not the preserve of women: and this film is a patchwork of friends, old and new, knitting something together that is larger and more beautiful than the sum of its parts.

Our individual pieces of talent - led by Sarah - are being woven into something tangible. We’re not in the frame, but behind it, creating Bartley’s Books with a thousand acts of love, our collective thumb-prints on every page, in every post and within every word.

- - - -

We hope you enjoy exploring our images on Instagram and Facebook, and can support our Crowdfunder campaign to publish the first of Bartley Books, ‘Please Stay Here, I Want You Near’ along with the Parenting Handbook which explains in more detail the PACE approach. Do look at our other blogs for more information on this.

The film’s premiere is on March 12th (the day of our Crowdfunder launch). And we all get front-row seats. Hold your breath and dive in.

The Bear Necessities of Life: the ‘im-paw-tance’ of Bartley being a Bear

Sun, 16 Feb 2020 11:20:46 GMT

Whether kind and caring like Pooh, quirky and cuddly like Paddington, or loyal and, well, a little lairy like Iorek, bears’ paw prints can be found across the gamut of children’s literature.

So, just what is it about bear characters that captures readers’ imaginations?

And how does Bartley Bear and his family transcend the literary trope?

Bearing With It

Bartley wasn’t always a bear! Sarah and Rachel experimented with various incarnations of the young male who would be at the centre of Parenting Through Stories.

It was important is that he wasn’t human - as it’s the alternate, fictive world that Bartley inhabits that allows the child reading the story to experience his feelings, and reflect on their own, from a comfortable emotional distance.

So, why did they settle on a bear?

As far as anthropomorphised animals go, bears have got it pretty good.

Mice = meek.

Lions = a little aloof.

Wolves = big, bad.

Bears = Honey-loving, strong and large-hearted…whilst they’re not always book-smart, they almost always have a high EQ.

Their narrative function is often as teacher - see Kipling’s Baloo - or mentor…note the low-key manner in which self-effacing Pooh imparts important life-lessons.

I personally appreciate the anti-establishment antics of Yogi-bear. Whilst teddy bears’ penchant for picnics has been well documented, Yogi’s obsession is next level. Wait for it…Yogi puts the ‘nick’ in picnic. (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

Depicted in varying degrees of humanness, the matted fur of bears' uncouth antecedents is typically sloughed off in stories in favour of sassy sartorial swagger: Yogi sports a dapper trilby, Rupert some pretty snazzy slacks. But it has to be Paddington who takes the sandwich (marmalade, of course). His yellow-boots and red-mac combo is as iconic as any Chanel ensemble.

Given these literary ‘paw-fathers’, it’s no surprise that the inquisitive, cheeky and playful characteristics of Bartley are well-suited to bear DNA.

Grin and Bear It

One of my earliest memories is of my fourth birthday. We had a surprise guest. The Birthday Bear.

Now, on an estate in the north of England in the summer of ’85, this was a pretty big deal. I mean, the grizzliest thing we’d experienced to date was either when Little Jack smashed Mr Dontbreathenearmycar’s front window during a particularly brutal game of rounders, or that Saturday the ice-cream man ran out of flakes. Gruesome scenes, both.

I was four and, given that I believed dragons lived in the nearby woods (Ig, Og and Ug, as you’re asking), a huge brown bear attending my party was accepted without question.

Full disclosure: our family was an anachronism on the estate. Both of my parents worked (!), I didn’t wear make-up (!!) and did wear dungarees (!!!). We were definitely odder, if not odd-balls. And, now, I thank goodness for it.

Then though, I worried about not being, well, a little more beige. I watched only limited TV, so my references were not like the other kids…social events were often nerve-wracking emotional ricochets between confusion, misunderstanding and shyness.

When the Birthday Bear showed up, amidst the sheer awesomeness - a bear! - a small part of me worried that the other kids might not like him and therefore me by extension.

(Although, really, exactly what did I imagine their beef with him to be: “Oh my goodness, does that bear even own a crimping iron?” “And where is his shell-suit?” Such is the ridiculousness of overly concerning yourself with others’ opinions.) M

My fears of course were unfounded: a four year-old’s social calendar is relatively tame. You can bet no other kid had a bloody great grizzly bear helping her blow out her candles.

The Birthday Bear caused some general mayhem, chased us around the back garden, bundled us into some bear hugs then loped off back to the woods at the end of the cul-de-sac.

(The only thing that was a little perturbing was that the bear had taken a fancy to my dad’s trainers…he wore them the whole afternoon. Curious.)

I still remember that bear hug. It felt reassuring; it felt like home.

Hug from the Heart

Whilst I wouldn’t recommend seeking one out in the woods of Wisconsin (real bears don’t ‘hug’ unless they’re making you their picnic), the bear hug - as co-opted by humans - is something all parents have in their toolkit…and the concept is key to Bartley’s Books.

Fathomless, warm and accepting, Bartley’s parent’s arms are always there as a safe space: as a touch-stone when he’s feeling happy, or sad, or stressed.

A vital part of the parenting approach we’ve been discussing is the connection you forge and strengthen with your littles. Even if it’s not as a result of a ‘rupture’, a cuddle re-affirms your bond - as does the physical closeness you have when you’re reading together.

However, the bear hug as a metaphor is even more powerful.

One of our key roles, we’d all agree, is trying to inculcate a deep feeling of security in our children. Our arms will not always be there to shield them from the world, to sooth their anger, or soak up their tears. But, the emotional resilience we can foster for them, now, through our parenting actions, can be.

Through PACE, active reparation when things go awry and a reflective approach to parenting - and living in general - we can call into being an embrace that defies physical limitations.

Their belief that they are accepted, that they are safe and that they are loved is a portable cuddle they will always carry with them.

As I said, I can still feel that hug: it thwarts time, and cheats death.

Bear it all

For all of the above, do you know the best thing about bears?

They are wild.

What I love about how Sarah has written - and Rachel has depicted - Bartley is to emphasise this sense of his inner freedom…

His imagination runs wild.

He is unfettered by pesky reality: he jets off into space; he IS an astronaut.

His mum capitalises on this, using creative means to get Bartley out of the door and down the street to school with a huge grin on his furry face.

Of course, Bartley represents our own cubs whose vivacity and wildness we celebrate and delight in; whose imagination we know we have lost and are poorer for it.

Exit, pursued by a bear

Last week I suggested we should be more Elsa…this week I’m ending with a similar call to arms (or paws).

The things that will impinge on our kids’ future freedoms might be physical, but are much more likely to be internally constructed barriers.

The world has room to make a bear feel free;

The universe seems cramped to you and me.

Man acts more like the poor bear in a cage,

That all day fights a nervous inward rage. (Frost, from The Bear Poem)

As Frost describes it - the ‘nervous inward rage’ cages our adult selves, limiting our potential.

We are frequently our own jailers. However, even from within our own prisons, we can set our kids free.

Right now, in their childhood, we can bestow upon them the keys (or cudgels) to unlock (or break down) the psychological walls that could encage them.

And we can do this through PACE parenting, reparation and reflection and lots of talk-time with our tots.

So, think of Bartley and his ‘bearishness’ as totem or spirit animal…and be more bear:

• Hug your cubs long and hard.

• Through conscious PACE parenting, set them free: physically and emotionally.

• And, of course, grab a marmalade sandwich, some honey for tea and go on a picnic with your little teddy bears.

These really are the bear necessities of life.

x Becks

@rebeccaritsonwrites

www.rebeccaritson.com

We’re within four weeks of the Crowdfunder campaign beginning. Follow our journey on the channels below and keep sharing your stories about PACE parenting and the importance of story-telling.

Accept the unexpected: the second and perhaps most vital part of PACE…acceptance

Sun, 09 Feb 2020 11:21:27 GMT

One element of the PACE approach is so tough, it’s even got its own prayer.

You know the one:

Emotive stuff - and clearly strikes a chord world-wide as it’s emblazoned on many a wall, engraved on a thousand keepsakes and is even the mantra adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous.

Why does it necessitate a request for holy intervention?

Unacceptable!

It seems we humans simply aren’t very good at accepting that some things are beyond our control.

‘Accepting things’ is even seen as defeatist.

Now, I’m not suggesting you ‘accept’ shoddy behaviour: that chap who queue-jumped at Costa de-serves your quiet derision, miffed humph and secret hope that his soya latte is mixed up with San-dra’s full-fat flat-white.

Nor am I suggesting we accept things we could change: we should all be invested in improving our world, by whatever means we can.

BUT…accepting that things we don’t like do happen and we cannot control them - and being able to move on, is a vital part of good mental health.

It’s fundamental, even.

Accepting - except…

It’s very likely that the person you’re least accepting of is the delightful creature in the mirror. Yes, you, you gorgeous thing.

We’re very good at beating ourselves up about our past mistakes - of tending to our shoots of shame until they bear the ugliest internal fruits.

This masochism is a great way to illustrate the importance of acceptance: both as a mechanism for happiness and of the consequences of not doing so.

Now, how’s the NY res. going?

Ah, I see.

Me too.

Next year?

See you then.

I did have a little pity-party about my lack of self control (binge-eating all the chocolate and gorging on the Netflix series ‘Cheer’ was a low point last month), but I also accepted that perhaps some of this behaviour was down to unrealistic targets, and more still down to feelings, damn feelings. I for-gave myself and moved on. And I doubt many of us will still be beating ourselves up about our 2020 resolution flops come June.

But this level of acceptance isn’t what I’m talking about.

It’s the scene from your past that plays on repeat at 4am. The hardened boil of shame that sits quiet and deep, oozing deep-rooted embarrassment and unending self-flagellation.

What’s past is prologue…

We all have something, let’s not be coy.

Perhaps your misdemeanour was public, or perhaps only perceived as such by you…maybe you were even ‘punished’ in some way: but I can bet that the most punitive sanction is the one you im-pose on yourself - the tortures your own mind puts you through. Maybe not daily, but without fail and when you’re feeling at your weakest.

For the purposes of illustrating the importance of acceptance, do me a quick favour: call up your ker-nel of guilt, your secret shame.

Imagine it as a festering sore - feel its toxicity in your veins, see it eroding your confidence…note that even this very act of remembering provokes it, corroding a little more of your positive self-image.

Now…imagine being able to prevent your child feeling just this feeling.

That’s a powerful gift. And one we can - indeed must - bestow.

How? You’ve got it. Through granting them the acceptance we find so hard to give ourselves.

Accept the unexpected

Just as with our own misdemeanours, acceptance is not about condoning harmful or tricky behaviours, but about seeking to understand the feelings underneath the act and moving on, together and with forgiveness.

It’s about accepting that feelings are sometimes extreme and that it’s OK to, well, feel them: we just need to have strategies about how to express them in the best, or at least a better, way.

Take That!

It’s never going to be OK for my toddler to whack his brother with a spatula (really, don’t ask), so I took him away whilst dad dispensed some cuddles to the victim.

A punishment based on ‘spatula-whack’ might stop the violence in the short-term, but wouldn’t necessarily prevent future assaults.

An emotional investigation is needed: what drove him to weaponise this kitchen utensil…?

Yep, feelings.

A truck-load of them.

They rolled right in and overwhelmed him - that he didn’t know what to do with them and, bless him, he couldn’t even name ‘em.

All he said what that he felt, ‘yucky’.

And that’s exactly what jealousy does. Poison your affection.

Helping my biggest understand - and put a name to - the feeling behind the act is the first step to checking his hitting arm in the future. Will he go on the offensive again? Most likely. Will he be able to express the feeling to us in future? Yes. Then hopefully we can intervene.

Talking the talk

How might my actions help avoid creating deep-rooted shame, in this instance?

Am I walking away, disgusted with him and his feelings?

Am I abandoning him to his shame, or am I talking it through when things calm?

I hope my parenting will show him that it’s his behaviour, but not him, that is unacceptable. That he is loved unconditionally.

…Because that boil of shame you cannot lance is due to the fact that on some level you think you’re bad.

I will do anything to stop my kids feeling that way.

All the feels

What’s tough about acceptance is that it so often dovetails with some pretty big feelings on the par-ents’ part too: anger, frustration, sadness or even our own shame.

Being able to remain calm, putting our feelings, temporarily, to one side as we steer the child through their ‘tempest tantrum’, is one of the hardest tasks in parenting, in my view.

Claire, Parenting Through Stories’ marketing guru, chats us through her recent experiences navi-gating the stormy seas of high feeling.

As with many nearly ‘three-nangers’, accepting big feelings has felt like a daily occurrence in our house. Staying calm, present, labelling the feelings and taking deep breaths (all of us!) has been a re-occurring cycle that has made me wonder if our approach is really helping our little one.

Just when we were feeling a bit jaded, our toddler started to act out an amazing bit of mothering role-play that reassured us we are doing something right!

She has a baby doll known as ‘Baby’ (imaginative, I know) and to whom is a doting ‘mother’. She changes, dresses, feeds and, more recently, comforts Baby when she’s having a tough time.

I’ll be honest, these tough times normally arise because the otherwise doting mother has dropped Baby on her head. Some impressive crying sound effects ensue, but the dialogue that follows melts my heart.

“It’s ok to be sad Baby. I hear you. You’re sad because you bumped your head and it really hurt didn’t it? I’m here.”

This emotional support she showed Baby reflects the same she experiences. That how we parent her in the throes and aftermath of an epic meltdown, has resonated enough for her to model it back.

She is her baby’s safe space - just as I hope I am hers.

The rewards are clear: happiness, calmness and a more secure attachment relationship.

Goals!

For more on repairing relationships (although hopefully you didn’t drop baby on its head!), see last week’s blog.

Let it go! Let it go!

As for us, it’s maybe a little late to prevent the sore inside.

But, if we’d only accept ourselves - warts and all - we could forgive our pasts, our behaviours and move forward, so much lighter.

So, let’s all be a bit more Elsa and cut ourselves some well-deserved slack.

That’s a belated resolution I can get on board with.

Now, pass the chocolate, would you?

For more on Parenting Through Stories and the psychology behind the gorgeous lift-the-flap book we’re Crowdfunding to have published, check out our previous blogs and follow our project…

Next week, meet the illustrator behind Bartley’s Books, Rachel Millson-Hill.

x Becks

www.rebeccaritson.com

@rebeccaritsonwrites

I’m Sorry, I Haven’t a Clue: why fallibility is our parenting super-power

Sun, 02 Feb 2020 16:08:23 GMT

There are many mysteries in parenting: some destined to remain so and others to be solved along the way.

How will we get him to potty train?

Will she ever sleep through?

What happens to all the socks?

Exactly how much Paw Patrol is too much Paw Patrol?

And just why does Pando only wear pants?

Whether large or small, the questions that arise as we nurture littles into bigs can often be over-whelming. It’s no wonder that on occasion, our solutions are more miscalculations than marvels. And often, we’re a part of the problem.

Now. This blog is not about beating ourselves up…we’re all going to make mistakes. I do. You do. I do again. By the minute, sometimes.

As we’re so good at telling our kids, mistakes are fine as long as you try and learn from them. We seem to forget this, in adulthood. Whenever that begins.

I’ve seen emblazoned on many a supermarket T-shirt: ‘My Mum’s / Dad’s a super-hero’.

Standing there, milk-sodden and snack-covered, contemplating crying baby and whining toddler,

the heroic parenting figure it refers to - glossy mum? baby-wearing dad? - feels far from that aisle of woe.

‘My Mum’s / Dad’s a super-hero’.

Is there not a certain sneering, even boasting tone about the sentence. A taunt? Judgement, even?

‘Well, good for you,’ I’d hiss back, hiding the offensive blighter with a onesie - a famously far less bolshy item - and scurrying off, before the trousers joined in.

Heroic Fails

Amidst the shock and awesomeness of those first few months, then the years of sleep deprivation and only the total realignment of your identity, the idea that parents can be perfect decision-makers, infallible super-heroes, is, frankly, bonkers.

Plus, super-heroes wear their pants outside their leggings, which is daft and something I’ve only done once after basically no sleep and absolutely no-one mistook me for a super-hero, unless my super-power was to call forth pitying looks and terribly hidden sniggers…

I get that we’re fab jugglers, performing super-human physical feats (car-seat wrestling, anyone?) as well as listening, cooking, cleaning, wiping and frequently listen-cook-clean-wiping…

But we’re also HUMAN.

Thankfully, our humanity is the point.

We need to grab hold of it - in all its messy, fallible, bodge-job-on-occasion gloriousness - and show it to our kids. We need to model that being imperfect is normal…and also map out what to do when we realise we’ve fallen short of the ‘hero’ standards we (perhaps stupidly) set for ourselves.

A large part of the approach Sarah advocates is around reparation: making things better when it all goes wrong, feelings are hurt and relationships stretched or frayed. Making mistakes, of course, but acknowledging them and repairing the relationship effectively afterwards.

Paradoxically, it’s our natural, non-heroic normality that can be turned into our parenting super pow-er.

‘I’m Sorry’ - is that all that you can say?

Sorry is a powerful word - and it’s important. But whilst it might be a brief salve, the wound it seeks to repair lies much deeper.

If we see sorry as a sticking plaster covering maybe the more obvious emotional wounds (crying, for example), the real act of repairing a relationship is from the inside out…healing the hurt, confusion or frustration which lie beneath.

Effective reparation is not just a throw-away plaster, but indelible medicine for the heart and soul.

So what is this magic elixir and how do I get some?

Sarah’s Sock Monsters

Sarah recounts a recent example of ‘rupture and repair’ in her household.

We have a chronic odd sock problem, honestly we have a whole basket full of them. In my effort to get the children to help with the housework last night I tried, unsuccessfully, to make pairing the socks playful. (Thinking PACE here! See last week’s blog for more on this…)

The boys (10, 8 and 3) were all keen and I suggested we see who could make more pairs.

First mistake. Given the level of competitiveness between the oldest two, I should have done it as a joint task.

They were still on board despite this, and my eight year-old came upstairs with the little one whilst the eldest went to get some food.

Disaster struck when he returned to see that the others had started without him.

I could see the inevitable coming, so I intervened asking him not to over-react. This was my second mistake.

It led to a pretty monstrous meltdown: the basket was pulled from his brothers, socks - all of them - were strewn over the floor and, after screaming loudly about how unfair it was, how mean I was and how I prefer his brothers to him, he fled to his room in a rage where he began crying.

I realised that I had made a boo boo on a number of levels and needed to connect with him and apologise for my errors - despite feeling highly frustrated that a bit of fun had turned nasty and that his over-reaction seemed so out of proportion.

I reminded myself that it wasn't about the socks, but about his feelings of others being prioritised which made him feel he was not valued as much.

I went into this room and said that I was sorry we had started without him (he started to soften and stopped telling me to go away) and that I had not intended to make him feel left out.

I said that it must have felt unfair and that it seemed like I was letting the others succeed when he was at a disadvantage (he softened further!), I told him that I had not intended to make him feel bad and was sorry that I had and that I understood his reaction - although it would be helpful if we could have found another way to tell me how much it upset him.

I said that I had intended to ask the others to stop when he came up from food so it would be more fair, but that I was sorry I wasn't clear about that and he felt so left out.

I tried to match this all with acceptance and empathy as well as being present and having some spe-cial time with him afterwards.

This response (which I don't always manage) worked wonders and he joined in again, joking with his brothers. He even managed an almost sincere apology for pulling his brother’s hair (oh yes, that happened too!) and we had a lovely remainder of the evening.

He crept into my bed later that night, which I think was his way to reconnect with me after feeling I wasn’t really against him.

Notes to self:

• Some children are more sensitive.

• All children, to some degree, struggle with sibling rivalry and tonight it revealed his feelings - which we all have at one time or another - that others are better than him.

• I must try to look at the hidden rather than expressed feelings (it really wasn't about the socks) and make sure I acknowledge how big they are for the little in question and help them with them.

He gave me a gorgeous wave when he went off to school this morning - much nicer than the times he holds a grudge and snarls at me when I haven't effectively repaired.

I do still have odd socks all over my floor though!

Relax, you’ve got this…

Even if your plasters have Paw Patrol on them, your kids will appreciate the healing power of effective repairing actions much more.

Sarah employed some key strategies to make this happen (more details are in the ‘Parenting Hand-book’, which accompanies the lift-the-flap books):

Reflecting - on what happened rather than moving on, chastising or ignoring the behaviours and the feelings

Empathising - with the feelings the event threw up (even if they seemed out of proportion)

Labelling - the feelings, and thus allowing her son to understand and manage them. They’re less scary when they are explained as normal and the child is helped to understand them.

Apologising - for her part in adding fuel to the fire.

Accepting - the big feelings and blow outs as natural. We can help our kids learn to control them and deal with them over time in less demonstrative ways.

X - kisses, hugs and cuddles

Over time, the act of repairing ruptures in your relationship with your kids nurtures their deep-rooted emotional durability…when they do go wrong they know they are loved, unconditionally.

In essence, this approach can make them happier humans.

Adulting = check

Acknowledging mistakes and using them to help grow your children’s mental well-being - crikey, that sounds very mature. Is this, in fact, adulthood?

We perhaps don’t have a clue, sometimes. Or even very often. But we’re doing our best to figure it all out. And that is enough.

(But seriously, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SOCKS?)

Next week, we meet another key team-member, Claire - our marketing and PR whizz - and explore the next element of the PACE model: acceptance.

Happy hero-ing everyone. xBecks

Editor. Blogger.

@rebeccaritsonwrites

www.rebeccaritson.com

An impressive PACE: the powerful approach to compassionate parenting

Sun, 26 Jan 2020 16:18:58 GMT

As Sarah will readily admit, her day-job can be very intense. She works with children who have had traumatic early experiences, so enjoys returning to the welcoming world of Bartley Bear for a much-needed cuddle.

It’s this clinical experience, however, which has informed the psychology behind the series of stories.

Here comes the science bit…

The stories illustrate the importance of a secure attachment relationship between parent and child, and offer an approach to help strengthen this. The model she draws upon is used regularly in clinical practice to help parents and carers support children who have suffered early adversity. Its value, Sarah realised, goes beyond this specific demographic: it’s based on what all children thrive upon from their parents and caregivers so has relevance to the whole population.

The approach is called PACE. Which stands for:

• Playfulness

• Acceptance

• Curiosity

• Empathy

“Consistently having these qualities in your parenting is thought to facilitate the development of a secure attachment relationship, making you feel more connected with your child and making parenting more enjoyable and less stressful,” she explains. “It helps your child to feel understood and allows you to work through difficult situations together.”

This parenting approach was developed by Clinical Psychologist, Dr Dan Hughes, and Sarah has embedded its ethos into the lift-the-flap stories.

A slower PACE

Sarah’s ‘Parenting Handbook’ dissects these qualities in more detail, but perhaps already you can see an area which perhaps you hadn’t previously considered a part of your ‘parenting’ , that could be stronger. We all have our strengths and aspects we find more difficult and reflecting on these four areas may help you notice these.

Often when we think about our own experience of being parented there are striking parallels to how we in turn parent - even if we hadn’t intended there to be so.

For me, the PACE acronym is delightfully ironic, because I do go at quite a pace throughout the week.

Many mornings feel like a military drill: feeding, clothing, teeth-brushing, cajoling, cleaning and corralling into the car.

As a result of my pace, I forget PACE.

My ‘playfulness’, I noted, was particularly absent. Could this be the reason I feel like I’m herding a gaggle of grumpy cats out of the door each day? Might I even be a cause of the tantrums over teeth-cleaning and belligerence over breakfast?

No-one feels particularly playful on three hours’ sleep, but could a fresh perspective on the morning routine make me less of an autocratic captain facing down mutiny and more of a wily skipper steering his scurvy crew to the buried treasure of toddler tranquility?

Actually, yes.

Stopping - even briefly - not actually to ‘play’, but be ‘playful’, seems to help.

Notes from the front…

Thursday: 7.45am.

Usual tigger-like, sofa-jumping antics. Mission is in jeopardy. Ten minutes to ‘awfully late’.

Wake up time: 5am.

Sleep: deprived.

Coffee consumption: worrying. Mine, not his…I hope.

Must get dressed, dress him, dress the baby. Crikey, where is the baby?!

Plan of action:

Muster commands - ‘stay still’, ‘wait a second’, ‘just stop it’. Utter in shrill tones.

End up crying - me and him. And most likely the baby. Wherever he is.

Instead, I took a breath and thought, ‘PACE’.

Putting on a silly voice, I addressed my bouncing three year-old son, ‘Excuse me, Mr Jumper. May I put your jumper on you? A jumper on the jumper…come here Jumper, let me jumper you.’

OK, it’s not going to win an ‘Eddie’, but it made him giggle. A few more bounces - and a little less lecturing than normal - and the boy was at one with his jumper and I could move onto the next battle. Sorry, game. Hell, the baby!

The power of the PACE model is that its impact goes beyond these mini victories. Adopting these qualities of parenting will actually enhance your relationship with your kid(s) - and also support their emotional and behavioural development.

More about the team's attempts to put the other facets of PACE - acceptance, curiosity and empathy - into practice in future blogs.

Don’t be perfect - be accountable

I mean, we’re all human: moody mums, fallible fathers, grumpy grans and tetchy teachers.

It’s just the reality that we will get things ‘wrong’ and, at times, (sometimes it feels hourly!), we could do things better.

What is key for children is that the adults in their life model reparation: they actively seek to repair a rupture in the relationship. Simply, they say sorry when they do something which causes hurt.

Making mistakes and modelling how to fix them, is more positive than maintaining a pretence of perfection, than glossing over hurtful behaviours, however brief you feel they were.

Be perfectly wrong, and say so.

Tell us your tale

As we lead up to the Crowdfunder start date - March 12th! - we’ll be exploring more ways real mums and dads use the PACE model and examples of how we have patched up our own parenting problem-areas through talk and apology.

Next week: how to repair relationships with the rug-rats when things don’t quite go to plan.

We’d love to hear from you if you have a story about this - ‘Parenting Through Stories’ makes us all parent better.

Happy adulting, all…Becks x

Editor + Blogger

Parenting Through Stories

@rebeccaritsonwrites

Follow our weekly stories on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter (links at the bottom of the page).

Separation Anxiety- ease the angst with Parenting Through Stories

Sun, 19 Jan 2020 14:52:22 GMT

You’re Kidding Me

The Parenting Through Stories team is one of mums with young children. We’re juggling toddlers, tea-time, and tantrums whilst holding afloat our work, sanity and passions - such as the Parenting Through Stories project.

Bartley’s Books, in essence, are for us.

The focus of the first in the series, ’Please Stay Here - I Want You Near’, is the anxiety caused by separation.

My youngest has just started nursery. The panicked monkey-like clamp on the arm, the terrible look of realisation at your imminent departure and the resultant, desperate, wail are all too recent memories.

My sympathies if you’re there, or approaching there. Whether it’s Granny’s house, a child-minder, pre or “big” school or nursery setting, leaving your kid is hard, even if they end up settling well.

From One, To Two…To Too Much Space Between You

A story which resonates more keenly now I have children, is one my mum tells of when I began school as a young four year old. When she asked what the best part of my day was, I would answer, ‘You picking me up, Mummy.’

She’d choke back the tears on our walk home.

Returning to work full time after a short six month maternity leave, in a sense she should have been ‘used’ to a separation. But of course, she wasn’t. And neither was I.

The first book we hope to be published, follows just such an adjustment: Bartley, the imaginative, playful bear and our ‘pawtagonist’, is off to school.

The trials of leaving the house - delaying tactics and tantrums - as well as reticence at the classroom door are explored. But, so too are strategies which help Bartley realise that he is safe, that separation anxiety is normal and manageable and that he is loved and his mum won’t be gone for long.

Reflect and Connect

Alongside beautiful pictures sit the series’ parenting super-powers, gleaned from Sarah’s experience as a Clinical Psychologist:

1. The narrative models strategies we can use, as parents, to navigate challenging times, such as separation

2. They help a child think about difficult things and difficult times in a safe context - and show that just as Bartley’s feelings and behaviours are normal, accepted and resolved, so too are their own

3. The very act of sharing story-telling time with the reflective dialogue Nudge the squirrel promotes ‘under the flaps’, strengthens the attachment relationship between parent and child (more on Nudge’s role in last week’s blog, which you can read here)

In short, the stories help everyone reflect on our own lives and connect through the attachment relationship they help foster.

Object of their Affection

One of Sarah’s top tips - more of which are included at the end of the picture-book and in greater detail in the Parenting Handbook - is to use a ‘transitional object’ to bridge the gap between home and care setting, between the familiar and less so.

My son has ‘Bun-Bun’: he’s a rabbit of dubious grey, possessing an often sticky coat and forever soggy, floppy, floral ears.

And that little bunny has saved our bacon on more than one occasion. So important to our family is he in times of crisis, that we bought a second: a spare, for ‘just in case’. But my son clocked it - and that was that. The Bun-Bun is now Bun-Buns. His transitional objects. Sigh.

Bartley’s buddy is his astronaut, Doug.

A Parent’s Story Too…

When I returned to full-time work after my first, it was my own anxiety that came in most forcefully and abated last.

I hated the separation, yet had no choice. I was beholden to a cycle of bills and debts to be paid: nursery fees, mortgage, student loan.

That I needed to work to pay a nursery bill my very absence generated, was a ridiculous serpent eating itself and begot an unexpected and vehement anger which frothed up and spilled out as I sped away from nursery, late once again.

Hard though it is, if we can check these emotions and present a confident and happy exterior in the lead up to and at drop-off, our little ones have a better chance of displaying equal confidence as they pass through those doors.

I think I found solace in the setting we chose for the boys: it’s a loving and playful environment which encourages exploration and offers adventure. I’m grateful every day for the smiles it generates.

But I know the best part of my day is picking them up.

On that note…see you next week.

Happy story-telling,

Becks

Editor and Blogger

Parenting Through Stories

@rebeccaritsonwrites

You can find out more about the series of Bartley’s Books, Parenting Through Stories and the Crowdfunder campaign to get them published by following us on Facebook here…

And our Twitter and Instagram accounts…

New Paragraph

The Birth of Bartley Bear: How Parenting through Stories came to be

Sat, 11 Jan 2020 21:21:52 GMT

If waiting for the birth of your first child proves a nervous nine months, imagine how Sarah - author of Bartley’s Books and the creative vision behind ‘Parenting through Stories’ - and her good friend, Rachel , who has illustrated the first book in the series, feel about their bear finally bouncing into being … after nine years!

Here’s a little about how Bartley was born and why this is one extraordinary little bear…

Books and bewilderment

Somehow, we do it…nine (ish) months pass and a little bundle arrives. And that’s it: we’re right in there…parents! Parenting! And absurdly under-qualified, we feel, to do so.

Seeking support, advice, answers - anything! - we read, through the fug of sleep-deprivation and in the small hours, book after book on how to do it better.

As chubby thighs grow into tottering legs, and grasping little fingers morph into sometimes inexplicably angry fists, gleaning sound advice on ‘how to manage’ the challenging behaviours of toddler-dom becomes ever more pressing.

Pass me the Handbook!

Not unsurprisingly, given her role as Consultant Clinical Psychologist, when her first son turned one she also sought the wisdom of other experts.

Following an attachment and relational approach to children’s emotional development in her clinical work, she sought to model this as a parent. Rather than focusing on just rewarding or giving consequences to a child’s behaviours, this model suggests that children need to understand what’s happening to them emotionally and be helped to respond to and learn from it.

And many of the parenting books offered her advice on this attachment approach.

But that’s when she saw the bear-sized hole in the market.

The books were ‘parenting manuals’: no kids allowed.

“The books told parents what to do,” she explains, “but that very fact excluded the child. How parents put the advice into practice was left entirely down to chance and circumstance - and would probably be first tested at those high pressure moments of ‘mis-behaviour’, tantrums or stress.”

Bartley Bear was born to bring the child into the story

We all know how lovely those bedtime snuggles are: choosing a book; dimming the lights; smelling freshly washed hair. Isn’t the very act of sitting down, or cuddling up, with your little and a story before bed one of the best things about being a mum or dad?

What ‘Parenting through Stories’ aims to do, is use these moments to help parents connect to their children’s world: Bartley models the very behaviours the parenting manuals describe, but for the child as well, and in moments of calm reflection, rather than acute stress.

“I wanted to make it about them - and what’s going on for them,” says Sarah. “It’s Bartley’s world, but that world, particularly his emotional world, is paralleled by your child’s.”

Bartley’s adventures cover the usual challenges of growing up: leaving mum or dad, healthy eating, bedtime and tricky behaviours…and provides a safe space to explore big feelings, label them and help children understand themselves better as a result.

Paws and reflect

The lift-the-flap element is another layer of the ‘Parenting through Stories approach’. In the guise of a fun feature, it’s a clever little psychological tool.

Each flap contains a question, posed by the curious squirrel, Nudge. Each question creates an opportunity for reflection on Bartley’s situation, feelings or behaviours…and, if a parent wants, their child’s as well.

Sarah’s expertise is evident in the complementary Parenting Handbook - read alongside Bartley’s adventures, it elucidates the theories which underpin the advice Bartley’s Books deliver.

But: it’s the picture-book itself - and the act of reading it with your child - which opens up the power of parenting through stories and why it works: providing a space for parents and children to read, to talk, and to grow…together.

Bartley’s first adventure - “Please Stay Here - I Want You Near” - is the focus of our crowdfunding campaign and covers the topic of separation anxiety.

Follow our weekly blog and @parentingthroughstories for more information on this book, the wider series of Bartley’s Books, practical tips for gentle parenting - and the team behind Parenting through Stories.

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